What I've Learned From Watching Soaps

Summary: Just what it sounds like. A list of what I've learned from watching soap operas (mainly ABC, ch. 7, soaps).

1. If you meet up with your Ex (wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance /fiancee) to share one last kiss, hug or moment, don't do it in a public place, someone WILL see you (and probably take pictures).

2. No kiss, hug, smile or laugh ever looks innocent from far away (or from behind the building or bush where you are hiding 10 ft away).

3. Don't overdo a dramatic pause. If you have something important to say, say it! In real life there is no fade to black followed by four minutes of commercials.

4. If you have a twin they may be evil or become evil.

5. If you don't have twin that means you really *do* have a twin and in that case they are undoubtedly evil.

6. If you are an only child * (see # 5 above)* you have at least one half sibling that you don't know about, guaranteed. Some of them will be evil, and all of them will show up unexpectantly and wreak havoc on your life.

7. If the guy/girl you just met seems too good to be true...they are. They are undoubtedly evil and have dedicated themselves to making your life hell.

8. Watch who you piss off. That person *will* be back after having spent the last decade or two plotting your demise.

9. Pay attention to your kids. If your kid was ten yesterday and today they're fifteen, something's not right.

10. If someone you know is suddenly a different person (literally) but is still somehow the same person, know, something's not right.

11. A lie is *never* better than the truth. Never. You will regret it later, guaranteed.

12. Your local police department is completely inept. The cops there have never solved a case and know nothing of procedure and protocol.

13. You can get away with murder and any other crime! If you are convicted, don't worry, you will never serve time. Even if you're evil you will soon escape and evade the inept cops or become completely insane and serve your time in a posh mental facility-until you escape, of course.

14. No matter how mad or upset you are, don't marry someone on a whim. You will regret it later and they will *not* grant you an annulment or quickie divorce.

15. If someone dies, don't be sad, they'll probably be back.

16. You can have a really cool job and never work a day in your life!

17. Pretending to love or be married to someone can be a really good idea. Chances are you will end up really falling in love.

18. Do not commit (or try to commit) murder thinking that this will make the person you're in love with love you back. Especially if the person you kill (or try to kill) is their spouse or lover.

19. If you want someone dead- just kill them! Don't bother with an elaborate scheme that will most likely fail.

20. The kid you gave away for adoption twenty years ago has been vowing to find and get you for years. They *will* be back to ruin your life.

21. Your romantic life will eventually come full circle. Several marriages and relationships later it will all come back to your very first love.

22. Don't fear time! Twenty or thirty years from now you will still look like a model.

23. If you go to bed with full makeup on you will wake up looking hot!

24. Sex is best when a montage and soundtrack are used.

25. If you live in a small town you will end up sleeping with everyone! When you have slept with the last available person the line will start from the beginning.

26. *Any* bad boy/bad girl can be reformed with the love of a good man/woman.

27. Love conquers all: Death, villainous schemes, rape, priestly vows...etc.

28. Try to avoid having secrets people can blackmail you with.

29. No, you don't have the only murdering, scheming, backstabbing family in town.

30. Yes, your life does suck, and yes, that really could only happen to you, and yes, your life is stranger than fiction.