Dear Diary, Signed Jean Grey.

Summary: An entry from the diary of Jean Grey. The first of my Dear Diary series.

Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men Marvel comics does. And the movie is the property of Fox studios and Marvel. If you sue me the only thing of value you will get is autographed celebrity. pictures including one of James Marsden (Go Scott!)!

Note: If these characterizations seem "off" remember that these are their "true" selves talking. A journal/diary is where the person behind the facade gets to express themselves. So these are the Men and Women behind the X (so to speak). LOL.

A/N: I must also say that although this one is rather humorous the rest may not be. This one just became funny as I wrote it but it was intended to be much more serious. So I will adjust the tone for each X Man/Woman. You will understand more if/when you read the next entry in the series.

Dear Diary,

I am mild mannered science teacher Jean Grey by day, mutant super-hero...Jean Grey by night. Ok, I'm not Batgirl or Wonderwoman. I'm not anything like the comic book super-heroes with sidekicks and cool catch phrases. I don't even have a super-hero/code name like the rest of the team! I suppose I don't have any talents impressive enough to merit a code name. Well, that and Psychic Girl and Telepathic Woman sound really stupid. The Professor did give me the name Marvel Girl a long time ago but that doesn't work anymore for two reasons: 1. I am no longer a girl. 2. It's so vague it could be anyone. So my regular name is Jean and my code name is Jean. I always tell myself it could be worse, my code name could be Cyclops! I have always found that name to be mildly insulting but if Scott can live with that I can live with "Jean."

The description "mild mannered scientist" fits me perfectly. Quiet, shy, and timid Jean is who everyone thinks I am but they don't know the real me, the real Jean. I started this journal to let the "real" me live on these pages. The "real" me as opposed to the really real me (don't ask) is a fearless and courageous hero whom everyone looks up to. That Jean isn't afraid of being a failure, she believes in herself one hundred percent; she's who I want to be.

Everyone thinks that I have everything anyone could ever want: friends who would die for you, A boyfriend who is loyal and handsome, advanced degrees and a great job, and even looks (so people tell me). But no one knows what it's like to be the perfect Jean they all envision. I keep up the illusion by walking around acting cool and confident to everyone even as I feel anything but perfect inside.

Let me explain exactly what I mean. Professor Xavier started the X-Men and the school. He is also a surrogate father and mentor to me. He is the most powerful telepath on earth and I'm...you guessed it, his protege. Here's where that whole sense of failing comes in. No one has ever believed in me like the professor has. He has the upmost confidence in me and I know one day I will fail him. When he's gone I will have to try and carry on the dream that he started. The school... the team...it will be up to me to keep it all together. He's not a young man and everyday I worry that he will be gone before I am ready...and what will I do then? No one knows that this is my worst fear. Compared to my fears of inadequacy my other fears: Hatred, Magneto, big hair, and spandex; seem very small.

Pushing all that aside I have a more pressing problem on my hands-the first half of the problem is named Scott, the second half, Logan. Who are they you ask? They're fellow teachers/teammates also known as Cyclops and Wolverine. Scott is the 'loyal and handsome' boyfriend I mentioned before. Alright, you must be thinking what's the problem with these two. Well, I am the problem. Quiet and shy Jean wants loyal and safe Scott. But courageous and self- confident Jean wants wild and dangerous Logan. And they both want quiet and shy Jean. Sound confusing? Try living it. Me wanting both of them while with one of them isn't fair to either one (Ugh, shy Jean is a lot more articulate than diary Jean). I want Logan but I love Scott. I can't choose until I know who I really am. But when I choose which Jean I want to be will either one of them want that Jean? I have been with Scott so long that to break up with him for a fling with some unpredictable mutant I hardly know seems almost unthinkable. Sometimes though I want to do the unthinkable and throw caution and good sense to the wind! My life is already a soap opera but if I turn "bad" and decide to have them both, at the same time....I would be ready for prime time! Melrose place would have nothing on our mansion! As entertaining as that sounds it would never happen. I'm too nice (I admit it) to ever do something like that-intentionally at least. There are too many risks there. Our lives depend on us working as a team, this would split it right down the middle. So what shall I do? *Get some ice cream-chocolate* Excellent idea.

Well, it's 1 am and I have a ton of work tomorrow. I have got classes to teach, papers to grade, training to do (mental and physical), and it's my turn to lead the mentor group with the kids...why, why, why, me?! This is disgraceful! Super-hero Jean wouldn't complain she would carry on like a trooper with a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye...but right now I am not super-hero Jean, I am tired and stressed out Jean who is choosing to whine and pout like a little kid. Yin and Yang, two sides of one whole, perhaps there is room in the world and this mansion for both Jeans. Ok, this is it for tonight but tomorrow....Scott is snoring-again, hmm that's one more check on my Scott versus Logan list.

Signed,

Jean Grey

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