Dear Diary, Signed Charles Xavier

Summary: An entry from the diary of Charles Xavier. The fifth entry in my Dear Diary series.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men Marvel comics does and the movie is property of Marvel and Fox Studios. If you sue me the only thing of value you will get is autographed celebrity pictures including one of James Marsden!

Note: If these characterizations seem "off" remember that these are their "true" selves talking. A journal/diary is where the person behind the facade gets to express themselves. So these are the Men and Women behind the X (so to speak). LOL.

AN: I didn't say so before because it wasn't so important but I am saying it now. In this series I am assuming that the Professor is in his early fifties and that Scott, Jean and Ororo are in their early thirties. That's how they looked in the movie and the plot make more sense if they are older.

Dear Diary,

I have noticed a remarkable change in my X-Men since I suggested that they each keep a journal of their day to day activities and feelings. They were all reluctant to put their feelings on paper, Logan most of all, but since doing so they all seem to be more relaxed and open. When I see one of them intently writing in their journal I often wonder what they are writing about. I am sometimes tempted to briefly scan their minds and find out for myself but that would be a violation of trust and I do not abuse my powers. I just wish that they felt that they could talk to me about personal matters. Although, some things are so obvious that one need not be a telepath to see what's going on.

First of all, everyone knows about the love triangle between Logan, Jean and Scott. On the outside I stay neutral and say that I love all my people and students equally but privately that's not entirely true. I like and adore them all but I love only a few of them. For instance, I like Logan and Marie but it's Ororo, Scott and Jean that have my heart. I see them hurt one another, fall in and out of love with each other, comfort each other, and most importantly, discover who they are and what they stand for. Knowing that I have had a hand in turning them into the amazing people they are today is very gratifying.

Jean, I love her like a daughter but I am not blind to anything she does. As far as Logan and Scott go she plays both sides from the middle. She wants them both so she is in no hurry to decide between them. She's shy, but incredibly smart. Jean knows that men think she's beautiful and that combined with her shy delicate flower like personality makes her irresistible.

Scott is so loyal and sensitive, it breaks my heart to see him suffering so much. He feels that as co-leader of the team it's his place to maintain the dignity of the team. At least that's what he tells himself. I suspect that he doesn't fight for Jean because he is afraid of the humiliation and pain that will come when he inevitably loses her to Logan. And yes, I do think that he will lose her to Logan.

Ororo, my dear Ororo, she thinks that she is invisible to everyone in the mansion. She is quiet dignity, grace personified and the epitome of beauty. Unlike Jean and Scott I didn't find Ororo until she was an adult. Thus, I can't help thinking of Jean and Scott as my children but I have always seen Ororo as my equal. She is my confidante, best friend and more. Sometimes I think she is the feminine version of myself- and vice versa. We are both introspective, quiet, avid readers, nature lovers....if I list all of our similarities I would need a lot more paper. The point is that Ororo isn't invisible. She is like the elements she commands: necessary, needed..and missed if absent. I see her pain and loneliness and I want to tell her that she isn't invisible-but I can't. If I tried to put into words what I have just written I fear I would give away the secret I have been hiding for over a decade...I love her, or more specifically, I am In love with her.

She will never know that I love her because I will never tell her so. She doesn't feel the same way about me and telling her would make her feel awkward in my presence. I would never put our friendship on the line like that. But truthfully, if I thought for an instant that she saw me as more than her "dear friend Charles" or "the Professor" I would risk making a fool out of myself and pursue my goddess wholeheartedly.

But, alas, she is not in love with me and well, that's alright. It is enough being around her everyday and having the honor of calling myself her friend. Besides, I have a strong feeling that she and Scott have intense feelings for each other. They think that they are just close friends but close friends make the best lovers and they are quite suited to one another actually. Seeing both of them happy would make me happy. I cannot stand to see the people I love in pain and Scott and Ororo are most definitely in pain.

So, this is how it will be, I will sit back and watch from afar as everything I know will happen takes place. Trying to do the right thing Scott will break up with Jean and tell her to be with Logan if it makes her happy. It will kill him to be the better person but Ororo will be there to comfort him and they will see what is right in front of them. Jean will give her heart to Logan and have it broken when he finds himself falling in love with her and subsequently runs away from that love. I see dark days ahead for my beloved X-Men but as always I will be there for them as their teacher, confidante, father, leader and friend.

I would like to write more but it will have to wait until tomorrow. Ororo's book club is meeting in the library and I don't want to be late. This week we are discussing A Midsummer Night's Dream...how ironic. When I read that play I can't help but think of this mansion. Hopefully, we have a happy ending like the play does. All is well that ends well.

Signed,

Charles Xavier