It has been a year since the terrorist bombs, and since then I have bought this new journal for my baby to read later on in life, I should give you some background information. A year ago, Chris and I had been dating for almost three years and he had not popped the question of marriage, but I could see that he was hinting at it. On September 14^th, the Friday after the bombing and our three-year anniversary, we were planning to go to Serendipity 3 at 225 E. 60^th St., between 2^nd and 3^rd Aves. We usually went there when he was in town and we wanted to talk to each other about the old times and the new times to come. I had a feeling that he was going to pop the question there while we shared the usual, and the most famous, frozen hot chocolate. I loved him, and I still do, beyond what words could express and although he was a major pop star, he still remained grounded.

He was in the vocal group, NSYNC, that had millions of fans and many scheduled appearances that made it hard to see each other. His band mates were great friends to both of us; if either one of us had a problem we could always approach the guys about it. Joey was the flirt of the group, but every now and then he would get serious with a girl or two. He used to be the one to get the question on how to romance a girl. His advice was sometimes wrong, and the guys started to come to me for a woman’s point of view on the subject. Justin was involved with another pop singer, Britney, and he was always on the phone with her, and he always had a way to help people out when they are in need. Josh was usually either asleep or writing songs for their upcoming album, and he was always willing to listen to your problems, because it gave him his inspiration for the songs he wrote. Lance was the boy-next-door, good country boy that still believed in chivalry, and he always treated everyone with respect, especially women. Chris was the wild one that made jokes or pranks on anyone that he could and he always made a dark mood into a light one.

Chris’ love for me was evident to everyone that came into contact with us. Even the people that met Chris without me by his side said that I was all he talked about. The boys would always tell me to come on tour with them so that Chris would stop talking about me. If he could not be there with me, he would always find a way to show me that he thought of me. For example, on my birthday, October 25, 2000, I went to work at MTV studios in Times Square, and on my desk was a glass vase with a single pink rose, pink is my favorite color, and there was a note attached that said,

"In all of creation all things great and small
You are the one that surpasses them all
More precious than any diamond or pearl
They broke the mold when you came in this world
And I'm trying hard to figure out
Just how I ever did without
The warmth of your smile.

~Excerpt from "God Must Have Spent …" By NSYNC (Your song)"

He always had a special way of making me smile ear to ear, whether it was 8AM (I am not a morning person), I had a fight with someone in my family, or I was having a bad day at work.

He had said a million times before that he was going to buy us a house in Orlando with a weeping willow tree in backyard and have an attached wooden swing for our kids to swing on. Beside the weeping willow there would be a white gazebo with steps and Christmas lights strung along the top all year long. The house would be a two-story, white colonial house with green shutters and have a solid green door with three triangle windows at the top looking like a fan. One day, I was searching the Internet when I found this website with my ideal colonial style home. I had always dreamed of that house and Chris knew that.

After I had heard about the bombings and saw the news cast on television, I tried to call Chris’ cell phone to see where he was, and the pre-recording said, "The person you are trying to call is unattainable at this time." Then I called one of his band mates, Joey, to see if he was with them, and that is when Joey told me that Chris was in New York City at the World Trade Center doing some business with his clothing line on the 82^nd floor. I started to cry hysterically. Joey heard the pain through the phone and he told me that Chris would be ok. At that moment I told him thank you and that we should keep in contact to know where Chris was. I then drove to the bombing site as close as I could get and got out of the car to see if I saw him around; I didn’t. I was in the middle of the street, on my knees, crying my eyes out. All of a sudden, a New York Police Officer grabbed me and he told me that I should not be there. I asked him where should I go; he looked at me sympathetically and then told me to go to the police station to report a missing person. I barely had enough strength to get on my feet much less the strength to walk to the station.

Some how I got there in one piece, physically, but my emotions were beyond repairable. After a couple of hours, I put in all the paper work needed by the police in order to find my true love. I then left the police station to go back to my car, which was covered with a thin layer of debris and dust. I wiped the dust off the windows of the car and drove to my apartment outside of the city, where I would wait for some kind of word of his condition or where abouts. I got home around 1PM that afternoon because MTV decided to let everyone go home due to the condition of the city. I turned on my stereo that was in the living room and placed a CD into it that Chris made for me about two weeks prior and pressed "continuous play."

As the music played, I grabbed some Tylenol and a Pepsi and took a seat next to the phone. I sat at the phone for over 5 hours without moving, scared that if I moved the phone would ring and I would be unable to get to it. As the 6^th hour rolled around, I started to get drowsy, and I dozed off with my left arm on the armrest and my head lying upon it. Then the phone rang, I jumped up startled and confused thinking that the bombing was a dream. I looked up at the clock and it was 8:30 pm. The phone rang again and I picked it up instantaneously and said, "Chris?" It was him! He was all right and he just happened to be out of the building before the plane crashed into the one of the towers of the World Trade Center.

He told me that he had his cell phone off because his battery was low and that when he tried to get to a phone the lines were either busy or the payphone booths had long lines. He could not come by my apartment immediately after the bombing because of all the traffic coming out of New York and the police had detained him to ask questions about what he saw and why he was near the building. The reason I got home is that I know special routes and roads that are not that crowded, Chris did not know them. Chris said that he went by the studios to see if I was still there, but I was not. I gave a sigh of relief and I immediately told him that I loved him beyond any words could explain. He then said, "I know, I feel it every time I think of you, which is every second of every day, and I feel it in my heart whenever I look up at the stars above. All I believe right now is that God would not put us together on this earth just to tear us apart. I will not let that happen, I need you just like I need air to breath and food to eat." I began to laugh and cry over the phone and I told him, "I love you with all my heart and soul" with a tear falling down my cheek. I saw him a few minutes later at my apartment and we hugged and kissed like we did not want to let go for anything in the world; an atomic bomb could not tear us apart. I had almost forgot the way he smelled and the way he always breathed me in when we embraced each other.

I was not ready to let go when he released me and he got down on one knee, pulled out a velvet box, and showed me his grandmother’s old engagement ring. His grandparents, his mother’s parents, were married for over 50 years and they died together in their bed holding one another. I was sure that he wanted the same for us. He asked me to be his wife right there in my living room, and it meant the world to me because at that moment one of "our" songs played on the stereo, "Blessed" by Christina Aguilera. The lyrics summed up everything that was going on in my head and heart throughout the course of events in the tragic terrorist bombings.

When I think how life used to be
Always walking in the shadows
Then I look at what you've given me
I feel like dancing on my tip toes
I must say that everyday I wake
and realize you're by my side
I know I’m so Blessed

Blessed for everything you've given me
Blessed for all the tenderness you show
Do my best with every breath that's in me
Blessed to make sure you never go
There are times that I test your faith
Til you think you might surrender
Baby I'm, I'm not ashamed to say that
my will grow and strengthen
You walked by in the nick of time 
looking like an answered prayer
You know I'm truly Blessed

Blessed for everything you've given me
 Blessed for all the tenderness you show
 Do my best with every breath that's in me
 Blessed to make sure you never go

 Blessed with love and understanding
 Blessed when I hear you call my name
  (when I hear you call my name baby)
 Do my Best with faith that's never ending
 Blessed to make sure you feel the same

Deep inside of me you fill me with your gentle touch
You know I'm truly blessed

 Blessed for everything you've given me
 Blessed for all the tenderness you show
 Do my best with every breath that's in me
 Blessed to see you never go

I nodded to his proposal and he kissed me once again with such passion that it took my breath away. Needless to say that I had to have him next to me that night and he instantly became my security blanket. We cuddled all night, and I had the best night sleep of my life.

That Friday night, the city was slowly recuperating and Chris and I went to Serendipity 3 to have our usual frozen hot chocolate. To my surprise, all of our family and friends, even Chris’ band-mates and manager were there, and we had an impromptu engagement party and we all had a chance to see that everyone was ok. The one person that was not dealing with the bombing too well was my best friend, Lisa, who lost her husband, Adam. Lisa was two months pregnant, and she had not had the chance to tell him the good news. Lisa, Adam, Chris and I were the type of friends that planned to live next to one another, have our kids grow up together, and have weekly barbeques while the boys watched whatever sport was in season. It is a year later and those dreams have come true, but with Lance filling in for Adam. He was one of Chris’ band-mates, and who was now Lisa’s boyfriend and a father figure to her son, Adam Jr.

Needless to say, I did get that house in Orlando with the tree and gazebo with the extra amenities of a pool and a lake in the back. We got married the evening of December 31, 2001, in our backyard and had a New Years’/Pool Party that night. I am now about 8 months pregnant with our first child and we decided not to find out the sex, but we have already decided on names. If it is a boy we will name him Christopher Alan Kirkpatrick, Jr., after his father, and if it is a girl we will name her Emily Ann Kirkpatrick, after Chris’ grandmother. I know now that everything will be fine and peace will be always be around me, either in my heart or in Chris’ eyes when he looks at me with his delightful brown eyes. I hope that my child can experience all the passion and love that I felt when it comes into this world.