Reasons

I had my reasons.

I must have had valid reasons for what I did. No intelligent young woman would intentionally walk away from the answer to a million silent prayers without a reason. I without a doubt, must have thought long and hard about what I was doing. I must have pondered the finality of my decision and the changes it would bring about it my life. Most certainly, I had to have known what I was losing. A thousand memories must have played over and over in my head as I struggled with what was undoubtedly the hardest decision I had ever been forced to make. After much thought and introspection I had come to what I thought was the best conclusion. It must have been in my best interest to walk away.

Maybe it was his face. Perhaps he wasn't all that I had hoped for...

I shook my head in the dark, dismissing the thought. His face was a chiseled beauty that even God must've considered to be among his greatest achievements.� His eyes were a piercing blue...a window allowing a flawless view to the purest soul I had ever been blessed to know. His lips? I smiled, remembering the silky kiss which greeted me each time we met....The lips that formed a smile so beautiful it could chase the clouds from the stormiest of skies.

No...there must have been something else.

I smiled, remembering the sound of his voice floating to me over the miles of telephone line that stretched between us. Despite his tedious schedule, he had never neglected to phone me each night before he drifted off to sleep. Though time and space prevented him from holding me in his arms, he was there in spirit, his angelic voice lulling me to sleep night after night. His songs of devotion sent me to slumber, with me dreaming of the night when I would feel his arms wrapped tightly around me once more.

Could it have been his embrace? Did it lack the strength I needed to make me feel safe and warm in a world where the only certainty was that there was no certainties?� No. The safest place in the world was in the circle of his arms. Even now, though it had been months since I felt his touch, I still ached to feel his arms wrapped securely around me. More than anything, I wanted to feel him pull me against his chest, enveloping me in his muscular arms. The nights which always seemed to end too quickly felt so much longer now that he was gone....

If I closed my eyes and held my breath I could imagine that� his hands were sliding over me now, exploring my body as he held me. I trembled, remembering the feel of his fingertips dancing across my skin. I could almost feel the warmth of his breath on the back of my neck as he pulled me against his chest, his body molded perfectly against mine.

Maybe it had been the way he loved me. Had he neglected to fill a void that exsisted inside of me?� Was there a need he left unattended? Perhaps it was his lovemaking that left me unfulfilled....

I shook my head quickly, a silent apology echoing in my thoughts. If only I could make myself believe that his love had left me needing more, then maybe I could forgive myself. Maybe then I could understand and I could say goodbye forever...But I knew none of it was true.

He'd done nothing but love me from the moment he gave himself to me. Mind, body, and soul.

Each time we met, his smile...his kiss...his embrace, told me exactly how much he loved me. Every beat of his heart expressed his love for me. A love that had more than once, left us lying breathless, gripped tightly in one another's arms.

His love had been apparant. And more than I could have ever hoped for.

What horrible sin had he commited against me that I found to be beyond my forgiveness? What had he done to make me turn a deaf ear to his pleas for another chance to make things right? After all this time I could still hear his tearful words as he lay his heart on his line. He gave me his heart to do with as I chose. I gave him no choice but to move on.

So why did it hurt so much to discover that he had?

If I lived to see a thousand sunsets, none would ever compare to the darkness that had settled over my heart when I had seen him with her for the first time tonight. I was spared, I never heard him speak her name....Such a sound would have left my heart shattered beyond compare. To witness their affection for one another was all that I could bare. To see her gazing into those cerculean eyes, to see her kiss those silky lips, to watched them dance, with her wrapped in his warm embrace was more than I ever wanted to see.

But why?�

Why did it hurt so much to see that he was in love? He was a wonderful man who deserved all that wonders that life had to offer. Why did it bother me to see he had moved on to find love and happiness? I'd been the woman who had shared his life for nearly 2 years. It had been me that decided my destiny lay at the end of another path. It was me who threw away every little girl's dream. I must have had a reason.

The silence of an empty house screamed around me as I wrapped my blanket tightly around myself, and pulled my pillow against my chest.

I must have had one hell of a reason.

I'd give anything if I could only remember what it had been.