The realization came as he drifted from his deep slumber. From next door he could hear her whimpers and the sound of her body tossing against the mattress. As he had done every night for the past three weeks, he climbed from his bed and walked to her room next door.
He drummed his knuckles against the door to his girlfriend's hotel room door. He pressed his forehead against the painted wood and waited.
"Chrissie?� It's Josh....Wake up baby girl...."
His persistant calls caused her to snap from the bed and dart her gaze around the room. Sweat poured down her body as she realized where she was.
Alone.
Another nightmare.
She heard her boyfriend's soothing voice calling to her.� "It's ok, Josh. Go back to sleep."
"Are you sure� you're okay?"
"Yes."
"Do you want me to come in?"� His voice was hopeful as he prayed for a positive answer.
"No, Josh, I'm fine. Just go back to bed."
He pressed palm against the cold door. "If you need me, come on over. I'll leave my room unlocked."
"I'm ok, Joshua. Thanks."
His hand slid away and he returned to his empty hotel room.
JC Chasez climbed into his bed and sliped between the cold sheets, clutching his pillow tightly. In his mind he replayed the nights when he held her in his arms. The way the curves of her body complimented his. Their bodies melted together like two halves of a single entity. They shared one mind, one heart, and at times, one body.
He remembered the first time the made love. Her kisses were like fire on his skin. His body tingled from the vivid memory. Christina's kisses had been so needful, so urgent. She had been eager to have him become a part of her.
Joshua rolled over in the bed. But that was then. It had been weeks since they'd made love. Christina had began pulling away when the nightmares began. It had been three weeks ago that she'd refused to share his bed and it was killing him. He ached for her presence...the safety of her arms...
Joshua heaved a deep sigh and slipped into a fitful sleep.
On the other side of the wall, Christina pulled the green flannel tightly around herself. She buried her face into the material and inhaled Joshua's masculine scent. Her eyes fell on the photograph that she placed on the nightstand every night, every city. It had been taken the Christmas before, the first she had spent with his family. His love for her was etched on his face, it danced in his eyes.
Those eyes were now filled with pain. Pain that she caused and that she felt powerless to stop.
A chance encounter had started it all.......their eyes locking across from opposite sides of the street, his face bringing a cataclysm of memories. The visions had engulfed her, depriving her of the ability to breathe.
....the red glowing numbers on the clock......
.....the faint light of the stereo.....
....his hands.....everywhere.......
Oh God, his hands........
Christina closed her eyes to block the memory. Every night the apparitions returned...and� no one could stop them.
**************************
JC stepped through his band mate's open room door and crossed the room to where Christina sat cross-legged on the opulent carpeting. Descriptions of the daily schedule filled his ears as he crouched behind her, his arms encircling her shoulders. JC pressed his lips to her ear.
"Good Morning, angel....."
Involuntarily she tensed at his touch and jumped to her feet. JC fell back onto his hand as her sudden movement knocked him off balance.
"I better go finish packing."
Christina left, leaving JC staring behind her. After several seconds of thought, he followed her to her room, closing the door behind him.
"Chris, we need to talk."
"Not right now, Josh. Let me finish packing first. It's almost time for the bus to leave."
"Not for you....You're going to the airport. I think it's time you go home for awhile."
Christina stopped and stared at him blankly, her hands filled with the contents of the dresser drawer she'd just emptied.
"What?"
JC rubbed the back of his neck, refusing to look in her eyes. "You heard me. It's time for you to go home for awhile. I think we need some time apart. Time to evaluate what you want....because it's obviously not me anymore."
Her eyes glazed with unshed tears. "Joshua, no! I know what I want! I want to be here. I want to be with you."
"YOU AREN'T WITH ME HERE, Christina!� You don't talk to me. You don't even let me touch you anymore. I don't know what's going on and you won't tell me."
"There's alot on my mind, baby. I'm trying to deal with it."
"TALK to me. Let me try to help you...."
Christina raised her hands to cover her face, the clothing she once held, falling to the floor. Her body began to shake as she struggled to reveal her deepest secret. The part of her past she never intended to be known..
Seeing "his" face again
.......the memories........
......the nightmares........
.......about the night he raped her......
JC began to cry along with her.� His heart weighed heavily with regret that he had not been there to protect her� when she needed him the most.
"Baby, I'm so sorry......God baby I'm sorry....."
"I wanted to talk to you, but I couldn't. I don't want to lose you because of this...Please Joshua.... I want you.. I love you... I need you...."
JC opened his arms which she fell into gratefully. "I will never let anyone hurt you again, I promise you that, Christina. Never again."
JC held her tightly as she sobbed against his chest. "Don't send me away...."
JC rubbed her hair soothingly.�
"Shhhhh..... Don't worry, baby girl. I'm never going to let you go."