No clarification was needed. I would have known his voice anywhere. How could I forget the sound of a voice that had whispered the words of eternal love? The one which had lulled me to sleep time and time again...
But it's been a long long time
I've got a good life now, I've moved on
So when you cross my mind......
I sat down on the sofa, my knees buckling beneath me. "Yes, I'm here...My God, it's been years...How did you find me?"
"My mom ran into your sister and of course, she asked about you. She knew I would want to see you when we came to North Carolina. I would like to see you, Christina."
My heart began to race as my mind struggled to form a coherant response.
"See me?"
"I know it's last minute..."
I shook my head frantically. "No, it's okay. I'd like to see you. It's just, I'll have to meet you somewhere."
From across the line, I could hear him smiling. "I'm staying at the Carlton House. Do you know where that is?"
I swallowed hard as I responded. "Yes...Eight o'clock?"
"Perfect. I'll see you then Belle."
Then he was gone.
With trembling hands, I dropped the receiver onto it's cradle, closing my eyes.
BELLE...How long it had been since I heard that name...
**********************************************
Several hours later, I found myself outside his hotel, gazing at his familiar face through the restaurant window. God only knows how many nights I had looked into those eyes, praying that the dawn would never come. My heart began to race as I drifted back in time to the last time we had been together. I could still remember every detail. I could still hear every word we had said...still see the tears that stained his face, the pain in his eyes as he pleaded for another chance to prove his love. I had needed more than he could give, though God knows he wanted to be everything I needed him to be. His dream required perseverance and sacrifice....
....I had to be one of those sacrifices....
I closed my eyes, his voice still ringing in my ears.
"I love you Belle. Please don't do this..."
I could still the fire on my lips from the last kiss we shared before I turned and walked away, his shattered nineteen year old heart in my hands.
"Goodbye, Joshua..."
What Might Have Been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
...What Might Have Been...
Joshua stood as I approached, reaching for me. I sat quickly, avoiding the embrace.
A small frown covered his face as he returned to his seat. "You cut your hair..."
His hand flew up to smooth my shoulder length tresses. I couldn't help but recall the nights we had lay together, his hands woven through my curls. Braiding...caressing...
I shook my head to block the memory, pulling away from his touch.
"It was easier once Jristen was born."
My voice faded quickly to silence. I hadn't intended to reveal so much about my new life so soon.
"You're a mother?"
I nodded. "Did you know I'd gotten married?"
Joshua nodded slowly, his fingers tracing the patterns in the silken tablecloth. "I know. Mom sent me an announcement. I was there, Belle."
My eyebrows rose in question, my voice catching in my throat. "You were?"
He nodded again, pausing before responding.� "I had to see if you'd go through with it or not. You know, I always thought I would be there by your side...Not watching from a distance."
I bit down on my lip, unsure of what to say as he reached out, taking my small hand in his own.
"What went so wrong that we couldn't make it right? How could you shut me out that way? I thought we were in love."
I ran my hand down his cheek, admiring the changes the years had made.
"Oh sweetheart, there were so many times that I regretted it. Nights I awoke, crying out your name...thinking that letting you go was the biggest make I ever made."
Tears ran down my face. Tears which he leaned forward to kiss away.
"Is there any mistake that can't be undone, Christina?"� His lips brushed my ear, sending chills down my spine. I pulled away, struggling to regain control.
~~My God how easy it would be to succumb again~~
He rose to his feet and took position beside my chair. "Let's go upstairs and talk in private."
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past
"Will you dance with me again, Belle?"
Without a word, I allowed him to pull me tightly against himself.
What Might Have Been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
...What Might Have Been...
"You taste even sweeter that I remember..."
My mind reeled as I felt myself responding beneath his touch. My fingers laced through his hair as I moaned softly, melting against his chest.
"I want to make love you Christina...Just one more time..."
I couldn't move away from his arms. His hands were masterful, expertly finding the most erogenous zones of my body. Everything rational in my mind retreated, my only thoughts were of the pleasure he gave. Joshua reached down and peeled his shirt away from his body. My hands ran over his chest, tracing every line, admiring the changes that came with manhood.
Only I knew his body so completely..his desire....exactly how he wanted to be touched. We'd explored one another so many times, fumbling with passion over and over again...until that night so long ago when we had finally gotten it right.
Even my husband didn't know my body this way. Nor would he ever.
Joshua unzipped my dress, allowing it to fall to the floor, leaving me exposed before him. Slowly, his hands moved across my body, my head falling back as he lowered his mouth to my breasts. His velvet tongue circled each nipple before enveloping his lips around it. His breath was warm against my skin.
"I want you so much right now..."
I interlocked my fingers behind his head, pulling him close.
Slowly, he cradled me in his arms and moved me toward the bed. Laying me back, he took his place atop my body. Joshua brushed my hair from my face and smiled before lowering his head to devour my tender flesh.once more.
My head fell to the side. As my eyes opened, they focused on the reflection in the dresser mirror. ...
...Joshua's lean body, covering a woman who's face I barely recognized....
"Josh, stop."
He lifted his head to gaze into my eyes. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head. "I can't go through with this. I can not betray Jayson this way. I can't do this to my daughter."
Joshua's eyes searched mine intently, praying to find that words that would change my mind.
...I know...
I prayed for the same.
He lowered his head to my shoulder, nodding slowly.
I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by,
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away....
"I won't see you again, will I?"
Joshua shook his head slowly, his eyes brimming with ears. "I don't think it's a good idea."
"I love you Joshua."
He leaned down, and pressed his lips to mine. Never before had I desired something the way I did at that moment. What if I was making the same mistake twice?
"Josh, I..."
"Shhh....Go."
He closed the door, backing away slowly.
What Might Have Been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
...What Might Have Been...
'Chris, I wanted to be the one to tell you...I'm here if you need me....Kerri'
I slowly unfolded the newspaper with trembling hands, my tears falling on the page as I read the first line of the article.
Joshua Scott Chasez and Chelsea Leigh Thurman were joined in holy matrimony
Slowly I walked down to the basement, making my way to the chest in the far corner. I fell to my knees and opened the lid, slowly sifting through the memories.
....Photos....
....letters....
....the MMC jacket with the yellow leather sleeves....
I finally found the leather scrapbook in the bottom of the box and pulled it out. Flipping through the pages, I watched the boy I loved become a man before my eyes. I peeled away the cover from the last page and pressed the clipping inside, smoothing the plastic cover once more. My finger trailed across his smiling face, a tear running down my cheek. This time, I meant the words.
"Goodbye Joshua...."
What Might Have Been
Music and lyrics by:Porter Howell/Dwayne O'Brien/Brady Seals