How could he think of anything else when he was so seemingly surrounded by her? This was their home. All around him sat constant reminders of what they once shared. Photographs of happier times when they stood together, arms entwined, so close they appeared to consist of one body. Souveniers of their travels, tokens of love exchanged between the two of them over the past few years....All of this made clearing her from his mind a virtual impossiblity.
Had he been unfair? Did he really have the right to demand a decision from her the way that he had? A thousand questions flooded him, causing him to� mistrust himself and his actions.
All or nothing was the choice he gave her.
As tears slid down his cheeks and puddled on the glass, he said a silent prayer.
Please let it be the right choice.
JC replaced the frame and paced the room slowly. Perhaps he had been wrong to request the answer to such a life altering question. If she needed time and space, his love for her should have given him the strength to allow her that freedom. But it didn't.....
He needed resolution. He needed to know without question that he had her undying love. Words that had once been enough to sustain him, now had no meaning. He needed something more to hold on to. A token of sorts to accompany him on his long journeys that took him far from home. Who would have ever imagined that a band of gold and diamond, meant to seal two lovers as one, could drive them farther apart? Possibly beyond all chances of reconciliation.
Her denial to his request of forever was beyond his realm of understanding. JC failed to find a logical reason to prolong the wait for what he saw as an unfaultering future they would share. He saw no reason for her hesitation. Any reasoning that she offered in her defense, only succeeded in confirming to JC that she had reservations about their relationship. Anything she said only caused JC to question her love for him.
"All or nothing" he demanded.
If only he could turn back the hands of time....He'd be patient....Give her the time she needed..
The shrill ring of the telephone shattered the silence, bringing his session of introspection to a close. With his heart beating wildly in his chest, he lifted the phone and brought it to his ear.
"Hello?"
"Josh? It's McKenzie."
JC exhaled deeply, releasing a breath he had been holding for days. His knees trembled beneath him, a warning of a forthcoming collapse. He lowered his lean body into the recliner and ran his hand through his hair.
"Kenzie....Baby I'm so glad to hear your voice...I haven't been able to get you out of my mind...."
McKenzie twisted the cord of the telephone around her slender fingers as she waited for JC's ramblings to come to an end. This call was the hardest thing she had ever been forced to do, and his unyielding words of love made it no easier.
She wasn't heartless, though now she wished with all she had that she was. This hurt her as much as it hurt JC, if not more. What had began as a fairytale romance had been on a downward spiral for the past several months. And while JC's career kept him blinded to the problems that had surfaced, McKenzie was all too aware. It was she that compromised. It was she that rescheduled. It was she that molded her life to his convenience. She was painfully aware of the shortcomings of their situation, whether JC was too caught up to notice or not.
McKenzie had no doubt that his increasing selfishness was unintentional. Self absorption and hard decisions regarding his personal life were what brought him to the level of success he now possessed. Yet his unrealistic expectations and the rapid increase of their frequency was more than she could handle.
Always an independant woman, McKenzie had fought long and hard to achieve success in her own right. Though her name didn't appear in the bright light of a stadium marquee', she was proud of what she had accomplished. Through hard work and perserverence, she had earned the respect of her collegues. After years of sacrifice, a heavy course load, and struggling to hold down two jobs throughout her college career,� McKenzie Jordan had made a name for herself. Nothing was going to make her give that up. She couldn't.
When McKenzie was with him, she had no identity. She was merely the girl on the arm of JC Chasez. No name...no recognition...no reason for exsistance. When she appeared with him, she lost all sense of herself, and merely accepted the role of his significant other. Sharing his home...his bed...his life.... Merely a faceless observer among the crowd. Closer than a mere fan, yet in the end, he wanted the same thing from her that he requested of them. Unconditional love, and devotion beyond all reason. To make him the center of her universe, the sun around which her world revolved around. What she wanted and what she needed to feel complete was of no consequence. She was expected to be at his side without question to provide him whatever he needed. No matter how hard it was to say, she couldn't do that any longer. She couldn't put her life on hold.
Not even for him.
No matter how much she loved him.
On the other end of the line, JC's monologue continued. Desperately he struggled to go on, fearful of what revelations his silence would allow to be told. Unable to delay the inevitable anymore, McKenzie interrupted.
"Joshua, please. This has to be said."
JC shook his head defiantly, gripping the phone so tightly in his fist that his knuckles turned white with the effort. Before she spoke, he knew the outcome. He could hear it in her voice...feel it in her silence.
"Not like this McKenzie. Not over the phone. Give me a few minutes. I'll pick you up, we'll have lunch..talk like we use to..."
"I don't want to see you Josh...I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore."
"It's all my fault, baby. I had no right to push you. We can put this all behind us. Start where we left off. It doesn't have to end this way."
McKenzie shook her head, her long auburn curls falling down around her face. "There's nowhere to go from here. You need a sense of security that I can't provide for you. I barely know who I am right now and I'm in no position to help define you as well. We are different people who want different things...I'm sorry."
JC's choked sobs drifted through the phone lines, chilling her to the bone. Never had she meant to cause him grief. Had she known what would be the end, she would've walked away months ago. Years ago even. No matter how hard she wished she could change it, what's done is done. You can't go back again.
JC struggled to compose himself enough to speak. From his lips poured pleas of forgiveness. Over and over, he begged for one more chance to make things right. McKenzie closed her eyes to block the image of his tear stained face.
"Please, McKenzie. Just let me come talk to you...we can work it out. If we just sit down and..."
McKenzie shook her head and braced herself for the end that had to come. "We could do this all night long, but what purpose does it serve? A thousand discussions won't change who we are. You don't see it now, but it's for the best. You'll thank me one day...I promise. Goodbye Joshua."
"Kenzie, no..."
McKenzie drew the phone from her ear and dropped it onto the cradle, parting them forever. JC sat for several moments, unbelieving, as the dial tone buzzed in his ear. Slowly he let it fall to the floor, landing with a soft thud on the carpet below.
He asked for all or nothing.
Perhaps he got what he deserved.