Too Much
Warning: This story contains the subject of SUICIDE. If you are sensitive to this subject matter, please do not read. Otherwise, you are forewarned!
~*~*~*~*~
"Why do you always think I'm the responsible one?" he asks.
You just stand there with a blank look, not really knowing what to say that would make him less angry at you.
"Well?"
"I don't know," you finally say, "I guess it's something I've built up in my mind about you. The idealism versus the realism..."
"I thought you were better than that," he hurtfully said, "I thought you knew better than to judge me through the media like most of them... the ones that I most despise..."
"Please..." you plead, "You know me better than that to make that kind of accusation... you don't think I know that the media only portrays a small portion of what you're really like in real-life? But how can you stand there and tell me that you're *not* responsible? That you're *not* mature..."
"I *am* those traits, but I'm also HUMAN!" he reasons, "I'm allowed to act irresponsible, to act carelessly every once in awhile. You can't expect me to carry the full weight of responsibility all by myself all the time... it's... it's..."
Tears start to run down his cheek as he quickly shields his face from you. You knew he didn't like to show his vulnerability to anyone - even to you. You finally begun to understand what it was like to be him. People had run him thin, and he couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't want to be the sole person in charge - to get everyone everywhere all the time. The last person he wanted to be in charge of was his girlfriend. At that moment, guilt starts to run through your bones since you too had expected him to be what the media portrayed him to be in your relationship. Instead of just being there and for a change, take care of him - you wanted him to be like Superman and do everything without a hitch or complaint. You wanted him to take care of you, but that was no longer feasible or an option.
"I hate having to play the role," he cries, "I don't know how much more I can take... playing by their rules, their game..."
It hurt to see him like this. As much as you wanted to comfort him, you knew he wanted you to stay at a distance - he had always been like that. You never understood why, but you always tried to respect his decision.
"I don't know what to say," you finally said, "I know you never cared for that part of the business, but you have to play their kind of ball if you want to stay..."
"I don't think we should see each other anymore," he softly said with red eyes.
You suddenly feel like someone just hit you hard with a heavy baseball bat. You knew he wanted his life to change, but you couldn't believe what you had just heard.
"But Josh, I..."
"I need to be alone for awhile to figure things out - to see what I want."
"That doesn't mean..."
"Please - this is already tough as it is," he begs, "Please don't make it harder..."
You take a sharp breath and run out the room with uncontrollable tears, as he goes on his knees and begin to weep in his hands. The man you genuinely loved seemed to no longer want anything to do with you.
~*~*~*~*~
In the following months, you become depress and unaware of the world around you. As much as you wanted to get back together with Josh, the possibility started to become dimmer as the days went by. Even though he never contacted you, the rest of the guys had still kept in touch every once in awhile. As much as they had missed you and wanted you to get back together with him, he never gave any indication of that prospect. Even when they tried to talk to him, he always changed the subject. Unfortunately, the calls eventually dwindled to just Lance calling a few times out of the year.
After a year or so, you decided to move on with your life. The last time Lance had called you, he had briefly mentioned that Josh seemed to be getting on with life without you. You always will have a soft spot for him, and it will forever hurt to see him on TV, read about him in the paper, or hear him on the radio. The pain in his eyes when you saw them, the pain in his voice when you heard them. Sometimes it was so unbearable that you would have to change the TV channel or radio station and try not to cry.
What hurt even more was to see him starting a relationship with the elusive Bobbee Thomas. You had met her a few times in the past and had never quite figure her out. Every time you saw her with him on TV, it was like someone carelessly stomping up and down on your heart. You knew deep down inside that he deserved so much more than her, and you could see that he was going for an even-more down-spiral than before. Lance always try to comfort you when he calls and tell you that it won't last much longer, but it always does. What does she give him that you don't?
"I'm trying to move on with my life without him," you tell Lance, "But how can I when I constantly see you guys in the media? There's no escaping it."
"I know," he says, "Hang in there - he'll eventually come to his senses, I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," you say with much cynicism, "He won't ever go back, I have to face reality. Realism versus idealism."
*~*~*Two Years Later*~*~*
The ill-fated news came - the day you had hoped wouldn't come. Though their relationship was turbulent, Josh and Bobbee had finally got engaged.
"What's the matter?" Laura, your best friend, asks you.
"Nothing," you sob.
"Don't give me that," she says, "I *know* it's something."
"Do you know *N Sync?" you ask her as she thinks for a moment.
"Yeah, I think so. Didn't you use to date one of them?"
"Josh..."
"Which one was he?"
"JC - the other guy who sings lead..."
"Ah yes - is this about him?"
You nod. "I heard on the radio on the way back home that he just got engaged to a horrible lady," you bawled.
Even though you never told Laura the extent of how much Josh had meant to you, she always somehow knew.
"I'm sorry," she offered, "I know he was your true love..."
"I feel like I can't go on..." you said in between sobs.
"No," she gasps, "Don't say that - your life is worth so much more..."
"You don't know what it feels like - to live day in and day out, knowing that the guy that had meant the whole world to you doesn't want to be with you anymore. And he doesn't even offer an explanation so you just go through life blaming yourself. It wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have to see him on TV, if I didn't have to hear his songs on the radio, if I didn't have to see his picture on magazine covers. But I have to deal with it every single day of my life, and it's too much to bear," you cry, "To *know* that he's making the biggest mistake of his life by marrying this girl - how can I live another day with that knowledge?"
"I know it's killing you inside to go through this," she said in tears, "But it's not worth killing yourself over it. Promise me you won't do it."
"I can't," you said, taking the gun out of the desk drawer, "The pain is too much."
"NO..." was all Laura got out before you pulled the trigger to your head.
*~*~*A Week Later*~*~*
"I'm really sorry it had to come to this," Lance tells Laura at the funeral.
"Me too," she gravely said, "I need to talk to JC."
"You think it'll be wise to do so?"
"He needs to understand the impact he had," she sternly stated as he nods and points her the way to Josh. "JC?" she asked the pale man before her as he slightly nods up and down. She notices that he was sitting by himself, "Can I speak to you?"
"Who are you?" he hesitantly asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Laura Brown, I was a friend of hers," she says, looking at the coffin.
He nods and motions for her to sit down next him. "Did you love her?" she asks.
He just sits there, staring at the coffin and not speaking for a good minute or so. "Yes."
"Can you tell me why you left her and got engaged with this other chick?"
"I don't know," he whimpers, "I broke up with her for all the wrong reasons. I was facing too much pressure at the time, and I thought she was part of that pressure."
"When did you realize that she wasn't part of the problem?" she asks.
"Just now," he said in guilt, then looking at her, "Does that make me a bad person?"
"Good question," she said, "You need to answer that yourself and try to find peace with her and yourself."
"Did she love me?"
"I think you already know the answer to that," she said, then getting up, "But in the meantime, I think you know what the right thing to do to get back on track."
Josh nods as Laura walks away. Even though you were gone, he broke off the engagement to Bobbee and started to slowly turn his life around for the better. Even though too much pain and suffering took away one life, not enough love and respect can stop another from making the same mistake.
~*~*~*~*~
"Open your heart and everything will be alright." ('Forever May Not Be Long Enough' by Live)
"Let the sun Fall all over me. This life's not living, baby - Living ain't free. If I can't find my way back to me, Let the sun fall down over me. Let the sun fall down Until my eyes cry out, 'Til my head is free from doubt, 'Til my lungs sigh right out, 'Til I'm wiser." ('Sunburn' by Fuel)
�Why have you forsaken me? In your eyes, forsaken me? In your thoughts, forsaken me? In your heart, forsaken me?� (�Chop Suey� by System of a Down)
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