Morals
I had taken the rest of the day off from work a few days ago since I
had an appointment with my doctor. Something was wrong with me, and I
wanted to go check what was going on. When I heard the news just
yesterday, it came as a shock but in a good way. Josh and I had been
trying hard to make this happen, and it finally came true.
Josh was gone during these past few days on a business trip, and he
was coming home today. When he called to check up on everything, I
tried my hardest to not tell him the good news since I wanted to tell
him in person. But something strange was going on with him - he
seemed to be acting a little distant. When I confronted him with it,
all he said was that he was out of it and wanted to tell me that
Justin got him so drunk one night that he couldn't remember anything
that happened that night. Even though I was mad about it, I didn't
make a big deal out of it.
I was folding laundry when Josh finally came home. The usual hugs and
kisses were made, and then I went back to folding clothes while Josh
pulls up a chair to watch me.
"I missed you so much," he said, looking fondly over to me.
"Me too," I said, "I'm so glad you're back."
After I was done, I went over to him and straddled over his legs and
sat down to face him. I really do love him with all my heart, and I
could tell he feels the same by just looking in his eyes. When I was
staring into his eyes, they were telling me that something funny was
going on.
"You know I love you right?" he asked in between kisses.
"Of course," I responded, not knowing where this was going.
"Alissa," he said, stopping his kisses and looks deeply into my eyes
with sadness, "I've done something horrible when I was gone�"
"What?"
"I� I�" he couldn't go on. Tears started to run down his face.
"What happened?" I started to panic.
"I� accidentally� slept with another� wo�"
I gasped and got up quickly, "No�"
"Baby, it was an�" he started to say as I instinctively moved away
from him.
"How could you�" I started to cry as he attempted to move closer but I
put my hand up to stop him. I put my other hand over my mouth to try
and stop crying, but it was hard. I couldn't believe what was
happening.
He just stood there, feeling helpless and not knowing what to do,
watching his beloved wife cry. He then started to cry too. "I swear
on my life," he said between sobs, "It was an accident. I would never
intentionally hurt you�"
"How� why� when�" I asked with wounded eyes.
"It was that night when Justin got me drunk," he said, "I don't
remember anything that happen
ed that night, and when I woke up, I was
in bed with another chick�"
He tried to get closer to me, but I again put my hand up to stop him.
"Baby, please�" he pleaded.
"Leave me alone," I quickly said, "Let me think for awhile before I
talk to you." I then stormed out the room in lament, and went out
into the backyard to think. Josh obeyed my wish and left me alone.
It was a good couple of hours before I heard someone opened the door
that lead to the back yard. I was sitting next to the lone big tree
about twenty feet away, and I saw that it was Justin coming towards
me.
"I don't wanna talk," I said when he got closer.
"Too bad, I'm talking to you whether you like it or not," Justin said
as he sat down opposite of me, facing me. He handed me some tissues.
"Wha' you want?"
"To talk about Josh and what happened," he said, "He called soon after
he told you."
"I said�"
"You have to talk - if not to Josh right now, then to me. You had
plenty of time to think at least a little now, so spill."
"How did it happen?"
"Josh got too drunk one night, and when some of the guys came to take
me and him back to our hotel rooms, there was some hookers at the
hotel entrance waiting for anyone," he explained, "I guess we wanted
to pick them up, but Lance brushed them off since he knew we were both
married and too smashed to know better. We went back to our rooms and
an hour later, each hooker came knocking on each of our doors, and I
guess we let them in. I swear it was an accident, Alissa."
"Why were you guys drinking so much in the first place? Josh knows
better than to get drunk, especially like that�"
"Lance found out later that someone had spiked our drinks," he said as
I looked at him in disbelief, "He only drank a beer. After that, he
asked for water and I guess someone spiked his water with a little
something so he wouldn't notice. I should have realized something was
up when he kept on asking for more water and getting tipsier. But I
drank about three beers and started to drink water too, so I guess I
didn't notice."
"Justin, I don't know� it's�"
"If it makes you feel any better, when Lance tracked down those two
hookers after he found out what had happened, the one who had sex with
Josh said that he kept on calling out your name and thinking it was
you," he said.
"Am I supposed to feel better for that?" I harshly asked.
"Not for that specifically," he responded, "But I'm telling you that
it wasn't his fault. He went to the bar with the intention of just
drinking one beer, then waiting for me to finish drinking so he can
drive me back to the hotel. You know he doesn't drink to get drunk.
And when you see him drinking, it's only a beer or a little wine or
champagne. You know he doesn't get drunk with one. He thought he was
safe by sticking to water after that. And when he was having sex with
the hooker, he thought he was making love to you."
I just sat there for a few minutes, trying to let everything soak in.
"What're you thinkin'?" he asked.
"I don't know what to feel, Justin," I said as I started to bawl
again, "I'm so confused..."
"Do you forgive him?"
"With all of my heart, I love him and even with this happening, I
still feel that he's still the one. And with every reasoning in my
brain says that I should forgive him, and I know he would never do it
again," I cried, "But with every conviction and everything I believe
in, I shouldn't forgive him and that I should leave him, and that's
what hurts the most."
I now cried uncontrollably as Justin first looks at me in sympathy,
and then comes towards me for comfort.
"Alissa," he finally said, "I understand what you're going through,
because I've been there before. And I also know what Josh is going
through, because I'm going through the exact same thing right now with
Britney. From Josh's standpoint, I know that he will regret this till
the day he dies with or without your forgiveness, and that it'll just
eat him alive if you throw him out. But having been there where
you're at right now and knowing that your morals are just as strong as
mine, adultery is just about the worse thing you can do no matter the
circumstance."
"How did you get through it," I asked, looking up at him with swollen
eyes.
"It took a while to make a decision," he said, "But I finally forgave
Britney. It made us stronger, and now with this happening, I have a
whole new understanding of her and our relationship. I know this
questions your faith and values, but I have complete faith that you'll
make the right decision, no matter what it is. Whatever happens is
meant to be."
He stayed with me for a few more minutes, just comforting and talking
to me. "Listen, I need to go. What should I tell him?" he finally
said.
"That I need to think about it for a few more days," I said as he
nods.
"Take your time - I promise that he won't rush you and will respect
your decision," he said.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," he replied, giving me a final hug and a kiss on the
forehead, "Get inside soon, it's getting chilly out here."
Josh had been leaving me alone like Justin had said, and I knew he was
hurting as much as I was - if not more. Within a few days, I came to
a decision and waited for him to come home that night.
"Hi," he said coming into the front door, noticing that I was sitting
at the formal dining room table.
"I'm ready to talk."
He quickly came to the table and sat down next to me, looking intent
and anxious to hear what I had to say.
"In my heart, I know that you would and will never deliberately hurt
me in any way and that you still love me as much as before. And with
all my heart, I still love you and whatever happens, I still believe
that you are still the one. I know that you would never do that
again. Even though I strongly believe that adultery is unforgivable
and on that alone, I shouldn't take you back or even forgive you," I
said as he started to tremble a little, "But I can't just ignore our
history and our bond. It hurts that you did this and that I have to
question my own convictions, but I'm not willing to give up everything
just for this one-time incident. So I've decided to forgive you, and
I understand�"
"Thank you," he exclaimed as he got up from his seat and came over on
his knees and started to kiss my hands, "You don't know how sorry I
am, Alissa�"
"Shh� it's okay," I soothed my now-weeping husband.
He stayed like that for the next five minutes, saying how relieved he
was and how sorry he was, as I just sat there, listening and pondering
how I should tell him I was pregnant.
It took about a month before everything got to a somewhat normal
routine again. Although things will never be like it was before, our
relationship had reached a new plateau. I told Josh how we were going
to have a baby, and he was ecstatic beyond belief. I once heard that
it takes a lifetime to build up trust, but only a second to break it -
how true it is. I still have a doubt in the back of my mind on if he
would ever cheat on me again, whether intentional or not, but I'll
have to take it a day at a time. Healing a broken heart feels like
the toughest thing in the world - I'm glad he's trying to make things
better again.
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