National Lampoon's Transportation Security Administration

By Larry Simoneaux

Aw geez. Where do I start on this one? We've got a gazillion dollar airline
industry whose job it is to convey people from one place to another in
airplanes. It does (and has done) this with a safety record that's truly
remarkable. Recent events, however, have shown us that the world harbors
some seriously deranged people who are willing to climb aboard airplanes and
do really nasty things with them. Because of this, we've had to give airport
security a hard look. This turned up several problems. One was that, under
harsh scrutiny, "Did you pack your own bag today?" didn't turn out to be the
hard nosed deterrent it was meant to be. A much more serious problem,
however, was the finding that airport screeners were not well trained, had a
horrendous turnover rate, and were often paid less than janitors working at
the same airport.

Enter Congress - a group renowned for the fact that rational thought seldom
ripples the serene surface of its collective mind. After looking into the
situation, they said we had to improve airport security.

(A good start.)

They said we had to improve the quality of airport screeners, reduce
turnover, and increase their pay.

(I was still with them.)

They said that pork, politics, and partisanship would be put aside for the
good of the country. Airline safety was going to be the bottom line.

(I had tears in my eyes, my hand over my heart, and was humming "America the
Beautiful.")

They said, "We're going to turn airline security over to the federal
government." (Do what??!) The federal government, do consider, which is home
to: The Helium Reserve (in case our fleet of battle blimps ever runs low on
helium); Federal Housing (now, in many places, being dynamited into
oblivion); The War on Poverty (motto: "Trillions down the drain and we ain't
plugged it yet."); and the Honey Subsidy (those bees are still suffering) -
to name but a few.

So, Congress federalized airport screeners. Then, in a move guaranteed to
make us feel safer, the Transportation Security Administration announced
that (I couldn't make this up if I wanted to) airport screeners will not be
required to have high school diplomas. I wonder what the recruiting posters
are going to say? "Didn't finish 9th grade? Have we got a job for you!" What
about entrance exams? Are they going to have something to do with Legos(c)
and finger-painting?

But wait. There's more.

To ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing
us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will
continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots
with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the
President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.

Pause a moment and take the following test:

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by: (a) Norwegians from
Ballard (b) Elvis (c) A tour bus of 80-year-old women (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: (a) A pizza
delivery boy (b) Crazed feminists screeching that being able to throw a
grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in
basic training (c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day (d) Muslim
male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: (a) Luca Brazzi, for not being
given a part in "Godfather 2" (b) The Tooth Fairy (c) Butch and Sundance who
had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train thing (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: (a) Mr.
Rogers (b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wee Willie's women problems
(c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless" (d)
Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by: (a) Bugs Bunny
(b) the Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking
of the 2000 Presidential election (c) Mr. Bean (d) Muslim male extremists
mostly between the ages of 17and 40.

How'd you do? Did you detect a pattern that would indicate we'd better take
a close look at a certain type of individual who might be boarding an
airplane with something on his mind other than "What's the in-flight movie?"

You think so?

Horrors! You're nothing more than a closet racist who could never be hired
as an official federal airport screener. You probably molest goats too --
but that's another column.

So, as it now stands, we have the Transportation Security Administration
(letterhead: "No way we're flying.") trying to improve the professionalism
of airport screeners by lowering standards and forbidding the use of common
sense in screening people.

Makes sense, right?

Right.

Pardon me while I go bang my head against the wall. Maybe that'll help me
understand.