First off, I have decided to use Xanga for awhile cause I am bored of here...link is http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=nrn_lusankya . I am doing 12 hours of community service tonight, which is lame, but I mean hey, whatever, I have nothing better to do anyways.

I promised myself not to write another bitchy post, but damnit, I'm in a bitching mood. I am, unfortuantely, in one of my lows again. I guess it must be a annual occurence because this is when it happened last year too. It's that time of year, not that time of month for me heh. So anyways, basically, i have become immensely depressed, I stopped caring about school, music, karate, and bascially everything, and at the same time, I have become addicted to the internet and musicianforums.com. I get addicted easily when I am in these moods, and I am also on a sugar kick right now and am eating really unhealthy and am actually making myself phsically sick, thank fucking god I'm still alive *rolls eyes*.

If you know me, you realize what a bad sign it is that I don't care about any of those things, that is equivalent to saying I don't care about living, which, sadly, is also true. The only positive thing to come of my life in the past month is that I have helped a few people out, and I voted for Kerry. Bush may have won, but damnit, at least I played the role of a good fucking citizen. I thought of conveying my mood in poetry or lyrics, but I realized how lacking I am right now in logical and intelligent thought and if I tried to write something that emotional to me I would probably end up dead. Another plus, I have mango sorbet, that shit is damn good, try some out if you never have.

I really don't know what else to say...life sucks, I guess I should grow up and get the fuck over it. Same can be said about Bush's re-election, although at least there I have more legitimate reasons to be mad.

I have been going crazy with all the schoolwork I get, I spend tons of time working, or at least trying to, I swear I have ADD. I passed out the other day and woke up a few hours later, turned off my music and went to bed...then went crazy the next morning trying to get my homework done. College is not at all fun, but hell, at least I'm still here, and it looks like I am doing moderately well, though knowing me I will fuck that up by the final grades come around and lose my scholarship. My roommate situation is, as usual, shit and I hate him as ever, and I've only finished about 1/3 of the year, that's fucking great. Anyways, life is shit, hope everyone else is enjoying theirs...maybe I will update more frequently on Xanga, probably not, better to be a pessimist than an optimist.

Thank god no one reads this shit.

Wow, that title would seem so much more intriguing if I wasn't already at ASU this year studying to be an engineer, on a full-ride scholarship to boot. I guess it just goes to show how badly I still need to grow up. I mean honestly, how many kids do you hear of who contemplate dropping out of college whilst being on a full-ride scholarship there. I guess I really must be a stuck-up asshole because despite the privileges I enjoy by being a college student, a luxury not all have, I don't appreciate them enough to enjoy and exploit them.

I feel like I am a middle schooler when I describe it to people...I want to be a rockstar! Actually no, that is not it at all, I am glad you think I am that immature though, it means a lot to me. I guess that the fact that I am in school as a Freshman with 60 some credit hours already completed is not enough of a voucher to attest to my intelligence, because intelligent people get a college education and join the workforce just like society tells them to.

Why is my plight difficult to understand? Granted I realize I am not the talented musician I would have to be to go professional, or maybe I am, judging by the crap that rides the airwaves nowadays, but that point aside. I also am not a talented enough writer to be a lyricist/poet my whole life. The only thing I concievably could make a living out of is Karate, though most of the people I know who have made a profession of it are college graduates anyways. I mean, I am not spending a lot to be here, so why should I care, should I just bear through it and get my degree so that I have one.

It is preposterous to me, why the hell should I live a life I don't enjoy? I mean, this sounds like such a regression into my depressive episode, but seriously, I am not enjoying school. I am taking a class on what I can do as an engineer...well shoot, it looks kinda bleak, maybe I don't want to be an engineer after all, I mean, it doesn't interest me enough to make it a profession for sure, why do I care about this stuff? I don't, and frankly I am so ready to drop out of school, because I don't like a single aspect of being here, except that I am forcing myself to spend time doing things I enjoy like guitar and Karate. Why the hell am I going to school...I go to school, get a job, mae lots of money...all for what? I am as materialistic as the next guy, but seriously, that shit is just plain stupid, going to school to make money is in hindsight one of the stupidest decisions I think I have ever made.

The song "Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades" by Brand New inspires me in this time..."Die young and save yourself." I understand it, because it seems that corporate American society wants people to live a life of misery rather than a life of happiness, or else indoctrinate us to believe that happiness derives from money and material wealth. If you can convince me to stay in college go for it, because currently everyone I have talked to has failed to so much as make one good case for staying in school, and as it stands, I have already devised a plan to get out...since I have to do community service to keep my scholarship, I just won't and then my parents cannot refuse to let me drop out, since we cannot actually afford to keep me in school without scholarship money...sounds dumb, but should work. Anyways, good luck to all of you who actually find pleasure staying in college, but I do not think it is for me.

Hey, new update, a new song I wrote that I wrote, hope you guys like it, those of you who check back that is :)

Oh yeah...college is going pretty decent, just kinda stressful...talk to me if you actually care about what's up when I am on AIM (all the time), as I am too lazy to blog haha

Hey, I wrote this and its favorite thus far, please read it and leave comments on the mb for me. Thanks!

Its gone, far away, can�t touch it anymore
Scar heals, takes some time, but it always feels alright
Never fear, I am here, it always feels the same to me, yeah

Shot down, make it work, it all will fade in time
Perk up, find the strength, it never mattered anyway
Raise it up, bring it down, it always feels the same to me

And though we always try, it seems that some things just won�t come to be

Light the fire, let it burn, wildfire with no control
Do we grieve, let it go, let it tire out our souls
It�s fine, carry on, we know that time will heal, yeah

Live life, go to work, isn�t that worth fighting for
It�s delight, in a word, like igniting a funeral pyre
Live it up, here�s your chance, we know that time will heal

And if you have the time, don�t let life go slipping out (of) your hands

Don�t sit, wait it out, she�s waiting there for you
Hurry up, seize the day, you only get one more chance
Make it work, it�ll go, it always feels the same to me, yeah

Final verse, make it quick, I�ve got better things to do
I don�t care, what is fair, its all relative to you
Why stare, why care if we know that time will heal

But why
Why did it have to go and end this way
But why
Why does life seem so complicated when it�s simple

Its gone, far away, can�t touch it anymore
Scar heals, takes some time, but it always feels alright
Never fear, I am here, it always feels the same to me, yeah

Shot down, make it work, it all will fade in time
Perk up, find the strength, it never mattered anyway
Raise it up, bring it down, it always feels the same to me

But when it comes to the end, do we know the answer
Can we find the knowledge that we seek
And when it comes to the end, will we find
That what once was is, and whatever can be shall be to the end
That what always is and never shall be

Hey guys, I am keeping pretty busy now, but point of this message is to let everyone know how things are going. I am writing a lot of music (like 1 song every few days) so once I polish some I'll post em for feedback, and maybe get the music up if I'm not too lazy, lemme know what you think...

Well...this weekend has thus far been quite eventful seeing as my dad and brother came down yesterday to pick up the car. So basically, I spent yesterday with them and we went around shopping...I guess my dad is more into that than me...mostly cause I'm too poor to shop. We had a good dinner and lots of leftovers for me, yay! My dad also brought down some food my mom cooked for me whih is cool, cause its like cheesecake and cookies, so if you want a snack come on down here and we'll eat food. Yep...just like that.

Thursday I went to the football game and watched ASU trounce on ATEP...not a big victoy, but fun to watch nonetheless. Additionally, we were invited onto the field at halftime to recognize us as the nerds of the college basically...but it was good, and it got us into the game for free...so no complaints there. Unforunately, at the beginning of the 4th I realized that it was approaching 1030 and I had yet to start my homework for the night cause we had had some parties before the game. So, I sprinted down to my dorm and typed up the report I had to do as quickly as I could and luckily got it done before the printing center closed.

Friday I picked up the car and had the use of a car for half a day...exciting! So, I went to Karate and took a class and then taught two more and that was my night. It seems to be a fun place, but I haven't met any college students there yet...I guess I need to start going not on the weekends. Oh yeah, I finally got some gym shorts so I can work out at the gym...that should be nice.

I got to sleep in today for awhile, relax in the morning but pretty soon I have to get together with my lab group in Physics to work on our lab reports and make sure everything looks good. Fun times, I will update later...everyone enjoy the long weekend!

I can't believe Im posting again...but I'm so damn bored I don't know what else to do. I watched two concerts on DVD today because...I could...I don't know. Iron Maiden was good stuff, so was Jars of Clay. Check out those bands if you haven't heard them before.

Speaking of music...suck of all suck, I found out that two of three concerts I wanted to go to this month are on the same night! I can only see one...that is so sad...I want to go sit in a corner and cry. Yeah...I don't know...all this sounds better in my head.

Tommorrow should be good...I am going to the football game for free, and I guess they are acknowledging everyone with scholarships here or something. Should be good. I have a busy weekend cause I need to pick up the car, drive it around, and find a place to park it on Friday, in addition to Karate (If you don't know the story of the car ask...it's good)...in a bad way.... Then, Saturday morning I have to pick my dad up at the airport and try to still make it to Karate. I also need to run to the store sometime and buy groceries. Don't know why I'm so bored now though.

I seem to be staying on top of school right now which is great, hopefully I keep it up for once in my life. Hope everyone else is enjoying their lamework...I mean homework (credit to Danika for that correlation).

Oh!...sad day...I am not allowed to use the drumsets here because I am not a percussion major...that pisses me off so much...I can't play drums except for when I'm in Colorado now.

I need to buy some more movies, especially music, I like trying to play along and catch the stuff they change live by ear...assuming I can play the original first...damned Iron Maiden and their awesome solos!

AIM seems to be on the fritz...or else everyone is purposefully ignoring my messages...that would be hurtful.

P.S. Dolphins are really aliens. That's why they're smarter than us. Always watching us from behind out own glass. Cruel Bastards. Or...to quote Ashley...actually...I forgot the quote...haha, how irresponsible...apologies Ashley (if you read this).

Make sure to read all my recent posts since I update like once a day and no one reads this that often. Or at all...Good times...read and post...man I'm bored...

Well...I know 3 posts in 4 days may seem excessive but...I mean...*footnote to title*.

Lots of excitement in the world of Vince today, I met my team for my first engineering design project, and I had a real discussion in Human Event (man does that require a post all by itself).

Firstly, my team for my project sucks so bad...I totally understand what Christine was telling me about how uncomfortable it was to be around drunk people now. We all met, introduced ourselves, and then talk progressed to how much we drank. I mean...what the fuck...we're in a group to design an implement an engineering problem and they're debating how much we can drink at team meetings. This looks to be a lot of future work for me. Additionally, we were all talking about where we live, cause one of my group members lives off campus (and allegedly drinks enough to have ten bottles of Jack on the floor every weekend). The other two members live in Manzanita, so the other guy is like "Oh, shit, don't sleep with ny girl from there," I guess the discussion boiled down to the fact that by the end of the year 1 in 2 girls there has an STD. Of course...one guy looks at the other and says "So statistically one of us is guaranteed to get laid," firstly...no, and secondly...NO! Are people really that skanky? I mean...that pisses me off so much, I guess I'll have to hope I can make friends with the people in my Physics lab group instead.

Now, the Human Event, I have never listened to more bullshit in my life. No, this is not the teacher's fault in the least, this lies solely on the backs of the students in that class. This is the Honor's class that I'm required to take right, but you would assume that means most people in it are smart. No fucking way. I never thought it was "cool" to be a free thinker, but man, I guess it must be trendy right now. We get on this discussion as to whether we have free will, so this girl is like
"I don't believe we do."
Teacher:"Why not?"
Girl:"Well, you know, because...it just doesn't make sense."
That was it...no more out of her mouth, I was dumbfounded, till I heard this other girl talk. It was like hearing Chaffin go off on one of his tangents. But where Chaffin is a pompous ass, and its funny, this girl was dead serious...like she thought she was better than all of us (including the teacher) and she came off as such a bitch. Oddly enough, the only student there I gained respect for was this Arab-looking kid (I don't know how to describe that politically correct so...). Man, he rocked the arguments, and though I rarely agreed with him, I respected his arguments, I hope I had the same impression on the other kids as he had on me. I can't wait till we get on to a morality talk...that'll be fun, we toed it today, but didn't cross the line. Then there was the guy who began his argument "Well, I like to think of myself as a cynicist, so..." except less eloquently. This one chick also alleged that the Greek culture was essentially inferior because it had mythology to explain things and not empirical science...god I hate ignorance.

Well, that's how class was today, as you can see, I had to post.

P.S. I don't have textbooks in two of my classes still because they sold out, so what do the teachers do? Not assign homework! Yay for college!

P.P.S. Leave messages on the message board so I feel appreciated

Yeah...good title, but no relation to the log...well I tried right...?

Mood is the topic of this rant though. It seems odd to me that some people can be so standard day to day. It's even admirable how that works, I mean, I wish I was just one way for awhile. Seems that I am still prone to mood swings, though I thought those had ended awhile ago. I guess I handle things differently, and more poorly, than other people do.

It's funny how when so many people say something, regardless of whether or not it's bad, it ends up going in one year and out the other. Like, the most sage advice of our lives may be given to us daily, for instance, and yet eventually we zone it out. It makes you wonder if perhaps there is too much of a good thing.

In English we get to write a paper on a currently controversial govermental issue. I am hoping to get either religion in government or school vouchers, those would be fun to write about. Internet here in college is craptacular, so...yeah...I don't know where I was going with that...but it sucks hardcore.

It's funny how last time I posted, my song of the day held a distinct and readily apparent meaning to me and my life at the time. Now, in order to properly convey my feelings I would need a far different song lyrically...my internet broke again so I'll get back to you on what exactly. Maybe I'll replace it with something like...Led Zeppelin's "The Rover" man the music in that song just reaches to me for some reason, but like many of their songs, the lyrics are hard to decipher by ear.

By the way, when did I start listening to lyrics? Man I have changed I guess. Yep, well it's funny how I work out my anger is I guess the meaning of this post. I apologize to all those I am an ass to when I'm mad, cause it's usually those I'm closest to...unless that person does something actually worthy of pissing me off, and then I guess you deserve what you get.

Man...I'm such an ass, really...don't even bother reading this, my site traffic is up but I don't know that that is good for this site...just leave your experiences to what you see of me in person (as a manner of speaking, i.e. AIM) and ignore this, it's really more for me than anyone else. Sometimes though people like to read about other people, so I leave this up for those who feel up to reading this lengthy rant.

Done. Time for a snack and/or homework.

Oh man...sorry I really need some better titles for my posts and such but you know...school drains creativity. Well...my schedule includes:

I love my M/W/F classes because Physics is essentially a retake, but the teacher is still pretty interesting. My English class is awesome too because our professor decided to run the class based primarily on argument. While it sounded boring the first day it turns out to be pretty cool because the arguments we focus on are politically based since the election is coming up, so hopefully I will be very educated on most issues before I vote since I am politically inept right now.

Thus far my other honors class seems decent enough, she assigns a lot of homework, but the classroom discussions are very intellectually stimulating. It's a lot like the discussions we used too have in the group, so good times in class at least.

The design class seems really easy...approx. 60+% of her students get an A, so good times there. It's basically a class teaching teamwork...I don't know how that came to be a class, but cool anyways.

Applied linear algebra is not too bad either, but harder than some of the other classes I have taken since it is linear algebra, plus programming math on a computer. Good times.

The Karate school I'm checking out seems pretty cool, so I hope I can get a job there to trade class for teaching. Yesterday we worked on 540 tornado kicks into aerials...man...shit...I am so sore...try to do one and land it sometime, I bet you land on your back. Still...good times.

Overall though, college is sadly a disappointment...I must be the biggest loser here but really I am not enjoying it as much as I though I might. Oh well, give it a few weeks I guess. homework right now luckily seems manageable, and starting next year I think I'm taking an average of about 12-13 credit hours per semester, so it should lighten up maybe even (hopefully).

My roomate is still asleep at 1:40...man...I ought to do that too so I have something to do...I am almost done with homework, and when I finish that I have literally nothing to do. Remind me to get a life, or at least become less socially inept. Hah...long post.

P.S. Listen to ZZ Top, The Who, and Rush...they are really much better than I ever gave any of them credit for. Oh yeah...RX Bandits turns out to be pretty good too.

Song of the day: "Sleepwalking"-Blindside

Four months since last post. Man I'm bad-ass. Yeah...Fun stuff. Summer is almost over. I am going to college in 4 days. Man...this is the lamest post ever. Well...hopefully my college posts are better and more interesting.

I met a lot of cool people this summer, hopefully we all keep in touch between my visits. Yep...thats bout it, I met people, and left the country.

My first college post will be better. I am not impassioned enough to say much...except that we still have so much that we didn't do...disappointment...

AP testing is here, and I know nothing of what I need to. Needless to say, I will be failing them, and...moreover...my life right now is riding like shit. I wish there was no summer this year and I could just head straight back into school, I think it would be more fun...unless I get that job in Arizona. Anyways...update...I got into Cornell, I am going to ASU on a full-ride instead. I have decided to try to stop using words to express myself in the open on touchy issues beause it has been to my detriment several times...I guess I treat words too callously because I do not care what others say but I guess not everyone feels that way. As of right now...I am falling into a well of despair because things are not going well...but hopefully I will be ok in a week or two. I wish I could write about what I want to in here, but I dare no longer do that. I think I will write in a journal later tonight though because tonight's thoughts have disturbed me a bt and that may not be good.

I handle stress crappily, I have noticed that of late. I really pissed off a lot of good people who I had no qualm with and for that I apologize. I had a qualm with...maybe two people in the group and took it out on the lot of them...that was wrong. I also blamed several other people for my problems and, though I may still hold controversial opinions, I never meant to piss anyone off beause I held them.

Well...this is turning into a grand apology so...plain and simple, I apologize to all who were not supposed to be targets of my anger. I wish I could control my emotions better but I cannot, and such is life.

Moving on...I am entering my self destructive state again or, as others call it...my attention seeking stage. I have failed to do most of what I set out to do recently and that is grinding on me. My pitiful accomplishments of late have not helped to ease the pain of failure and the added pressure of other elements has pushed me to the brink of collapse. Indeed, my emotional collapse seems imminent without strong successes by the end of the week. But since my music theory test is first, I have no doubt that my confidence will shatter by Wednesday.

Fuck...I am such an ass. I don't know why I am this way...I guess...I don't even know anymore. I feel so sorry for myself without any good reason to. I really should be more like Jim...he lets his stress out and does not let it build a lot. On the other hand...I keep it inside and let it boil so that I can fuck myself over more...and piss everyone off at one time, rather than in intervals. Shit...I don't even get it anymore. Why is there no cure for it, why is stupidity such a damn fucking permanent disease. I don't know anything anymore. I leave my fate in the hands of my synapses. I don't even know if that makes sense. Fuck.

Catharsis...not really...just dreamless sleep

Well, I haven't posted in a long time, not that anyone still reads this though, just for my personal records now. I go up to the mountains Sunday to ski. Fun stuff. Yeah...so...anyways, once again I only seem to write as a bitching and moaning deal, so here goes.

First off, I must really not be a people person because I can't seem to get along with anyone. I must blame myself to a degree though, but it seems that I have horrible taste in people I choose as friends. I guess I am glad that people who met via mutual acquaintance (me) can become such good friends, and maybe I am just jealous but now it seems I am not really close to either of them. So I guess I have to blame myself just for whatever went wrong there.

People always tell me I blow things way out of proportion...well...good for me I guess, because as it lays now, I abhor my current life and cannot wait till I get to college to start a new life. I guess this all stems from the whole Senior Prom thing too. I mean, why is an immensly expensive dance so important if I don't even have a girlfriend? I don't know how I am going to have too much fun there, yet it is almost required for me to go. The root of this problem is that I have no group...I mean...I have choices between probably three, but in one of the groups is one of the two people I have a serious problem with right now, and a few other people I don't like, and some I don't know. In one of the other groups is the person whom I currently am extremely mad at. Funny thing is, I am kinda being a girl, and just being mad without telling him...but I don't know why he can't just be like he used to.

At the root of this problem is his girlfriend. She is plenty cool and all...but he is so whipped that it almost makes me sick. He does not do anything with me anymore outside of school, or with anyone else I know of, he just spends time with her. Great for him I guess, but he is such a dick now it just infuriates me. Well, long story short...I have no friends because anyone who becomes more than casual acquaintances eventually pisses me off, and I am getting fed up with dealing with that shit. I think it would be great if I go skiing every weekend from now on, I would then have no wasted time, and I would have fun without any friends...that would be quite ideal. Yeah...whatever, I'm just rambling...if anyone reads this make sure Rob reads this...

Hey, this weekend was pretty cool because it was so long...granted that is mostly because I did a lot, most of which was work, but still...it was pretty awesome because I did so much in so little time. First off, I took a defensive driving class because of my speeding ticket which ended up not being too bad because I knew a few people there from Creek, and the cops were both pretty nice and we basically told stories and took breaks for over 3/4 of the time. So not too bad, right afterwards I went to a last minute band practice that went by fast because we did so well.

Today I played my guitar for about 3 hours of performance, and 2 hours of practice, the fingers are hurting. It was pretty cool, only one audience didn't seem to like it, but then again they didn't like Jim's sermon either, so I think they were all just assholes. Afterwards I went out withj the youth to Chipotle (despite the jacked up prices), and we had a fun lunch there. I then came home and had wine and cheese for a few hours, and then went out again with the youth, and we played laser quest. I got 1st in the first game, and I had a margin of more than 200, it was hella tight. The second game my score was reset in the middle of it somehow so I only got 8th. Either way though it was hella tight and I enjoyed it because it is such a fun game.

More importantly, or maybe not, I dunno, it sounded good before I typed it...anyways, the second game was quite fun cause that one freshman I like decided to take a corner, thereupon I raided it and we finally agreed to a truce after each scoring over 20 shots on each other and then were raided ourselves and we were falling all over each other and it was fun...you probably had to be there. Once again though, that got me thinking...cause for one thing I realized one of the hardest thing about asking a girl out is not knowing whether or not she is going out with someone else (cause you can't just ask her), and so that is a big dettraction in that whole process. It is kinda a problem that I am into two girls right now, and yet I know so litlle about both that I don't feel comfortable asking either out,(plus, one is a freshman), so either way yeah...it kinda sucks...oh well, such is yet another weekend passed, graduation coming up soon...not really, but I wish...yep...lost all track of what I am writing about...women are too much trouble, I should stick to what I'm good at, Karate and music.

Oh yeah, hopefully on the horizon is a new prospective band to play with (my fourth), which would be awesome cause I'd probably play drums for, speaking of which...sad day...I put a hole through my bass drum today, I was just playing and bam...pedal goes right through it...gotta buy a new cover now, but it sucks cause for now its broken...

I haven't been online for awhile, or even really visited anyone's sites, including my own. Hence, I decided I should update on life for all interested parties. I earned my Certified First Degree Black Belt over the weekend and that was extremely cool cause I wasn't supposed to get it until May. Fun stuff, I really love Karate, especially the fighting part, it helps relieve so much stress. All my teachers are cracking down on homework this semester which is so fucking annoying as a second semester senior. Oh well, I still do it, I guess that makes me stupid too. I also have my Eagle Scout Board of Review in less than two weeks and I am psyched because if I pass I will be an Eagle Scout. Seems like I am tieing the ends on so many of my activities as I approach graduation. I am playing music in all three church services on Sunday.

I also have driving school on Saturday because of my two tickets which is a really stupid waste of time, but such is my life right now (a great waste of time). I don't seem to be doing much at all, nothing productive for sure. Last semester I was so busy and doing so much and usually having fun. Now, the days drag and I often find myself day-dreaming in class, about the wierdest ass shit too, but I won't go into that because no one else would understand it anyway. Point is life is so boring right now, I almost want to drop out of school and just play and write music or do Karate all day because that is all I care to do anymore, but it is also what I have the least time to do out of anything. It like Ferris Bueller, life is moving really fast, and I think I am missing it, only I can't stop to take a look around because it would screw me over in the long run.

I am sick right now, just a cold I think, but the burning in my nose is quite annoying. I realized what an arrogant ass I am during one of my dayfreams, if only I could do something about that...well...I could, but the question is will I, and the answer is likely no. That is I guess a little disappointing, but I guess the biggest disappointment this semester is my seeming return to normality. I am no longer acting as crazy fucked up as I used to, and frankly, that is far more boring, I almost want something to set me off into my mood swings again because it is like a high almost. It makes life more enjoyable. Well, that is all I am going to sleep so as to not be tired at school because I literally sleep right through half my classes nowadays...It is funny, but since losing my social life it seems as if I have never had a boring weekend, I seem to do more without friends than with them...seems almost...ironic, that somehow friends ruin your lifestyle...but you only notice after shrugging them off. Yep, well I guess that is more of me being dull of myself...but know this...some people ought not call me an asshole without looking at themselves first, because...shit man...some people are such asses and yet they act condescendingly to you trying to seem all martyred and high and mighty, well fuck that shit, you all ought to know who you are, but if you are in doubt ask me, because that shit gets so annoying. Done.

Well, today was interesting because for the second week in a row my parents tried to force me to go to church before heading off to work. I ended up not going again, but their rationale was quite funny. They claimed that I had been going every week up till recently, this was, in fact, a complete crock of shit because, except for a few select special occassions, I have not been to church in...like three months. They, however, convinced themselves I had and tried to argue that I had indeed been attending church those last few months. It was funny because they never had a chance to convince me otherwise, but they tried so earnestly nonetheless. Well, that is my rant on religion I guess, because forced religion is not really religion, it is simply conformity, and often leads to wars (see: history). Point is that all those evangelists and shit, well, they ought not try to change people, I have no problem with them preaching, but I do if they try to force it on someone once they have said no, its like forcing someone to do drugs, no means no.

In other happy news, we have tommorrow off. This means I will stay up late tonight playing KOTOR, and tommorrow I will sleep in and hopefully have some fun. Tonight I went to a church dance with my youth group which I still go to to hang out with my friends. It was like most other dances and therefore pretty lame, but near the end they played some good songs. My bigger problem was that there was only seven of us and so I spent a lot of that time trying not to ruin the fun of everyone else because I happen to like on of those other six. I think I would consider asking her out if she was not a freshman, but for some reason that seems wrong to me. Whatever, point is that I still like her and therefore I tried not to ruin her fun. Either way, my break has not been too bad, I also got a raise at work today, which is quite cool, my second raise in six months. So...Halo, Skiing, Applications, Work, Dancing, that was my break...not too bad I suppose, I seem to be having a lot more fun doing what I feel like, not what everyone else is doing...interesting, well no more for now, this is quite long, have a good rest of break.

I finished my last final on Thursday. Half was insanely easy, half was difficult as usual, because listening to music and writing it from ear is damn hard for me. Oh well, finals are over and their results will come sooner or later.

I went skiing yesterday (Friday). It was lots of fun and was the first time I had been up all year. It snowed all day and the snow was pretty good, a little icy though. After the lifts closed we went to the bar to get a drink (mainly for my dad and his friend), and there was a live band and it was pretty cool. Well...except for these two drunk ladies who kept on hitting on my dafd, despite the fact that he told them he was married (like I said, they were drunk). That was a little bit odd and actually annoying since two of his kids were right there while they were doing it. Anyways...yes...skiing was fun, my boots are too samll and my toe is still a little sore. We watched Jerry Maguire last night, and I must say that it was a pretty good movie having not had seen it before.

I played some pretty kick-ass 4 on 4 Halo Thursday after final (which ended before I usually come to school). It was pretty fun...each game was like an hour too. Oh well, I am filling out scholarship applications, so I think I'm going back to work, my parents are having people over for a really good Italian dinner tonight, so that is cool. Yep...I think thats it now...working tommorrow, someone let me know if you want to ski Monday...yep...done.

Well...ten days since I updated, I just heard about the accident via looking at weblogs and I must say that is quite sad, my best wishes to Ned that he get better soon, and hope everyone involved recovers soon. I have only my music final left tommorrow, that is pretty cool. I am doing not as well in school as I'd like, but oh well...come to think of it...that attitude is why it is so low...fancy that. I am going skiing Friday, and maybe Monday too, that'll be cool.

Ok, topic of post now. Robert and I were talking yesterday and he was talkig about how I seem to go between extremes really frequently, and I don't seem to have a medium. I guess this bothered me at first because it sounded pretty reasonable, but then I thought about it some more and I don't think so, because, I am not completely insane right now, nor am I completely sane, though I am more relaxed...but the point is I think I do have mediums...but they are not "normal" mediums because, like most people...I am not normal. While this is for the most part a bi=onus, the negative is that everyone is judged by the same standards, which is a bad assumption to make, for instance, my swings are nothing like a bi-polar person. So, the point of this post was to point out how we should not judge people based upon our own standards. Yes...I got bored of this post so I will be moving on now.

Oh yeah...I got a 7/8 (AP Scale) on my Existetialism paper (see previous post). Play Knights of the Old Republic everyone, it is quite bad ass. If I died...seems...almost ironic or something when two people got in major car accidents in the last month...yep...now I'm done.

School starts tommorrow. I am thinking about many things. They are not good things, but perhaps they could be. No...scratch that, what I am thinking about would never be happy for me, but perhaps it would for other people. See...I have no purpose, no one does, but I was contemplating how if I did not exist it would have no real impact...I have not lived an eventful life. For one thing, everything I once thought I had was really all an illusion I made for myself. I sit here listening to the Ataris, wondering the same thing "If I died tommorrow..." Well, of course I conclude there would be no impact, perhaps some would act sad, but I would soon be forgotten. I am still writing my paper on Existentialism, except for a few minor flaws in Sartre, I believe I could be Existentialist, maybe I will becaome one.

But what is the point? Of anything? Why do I bother? Good questions, and no good answer. I never thought I would admit this in complete seriousness, without a little joke...and perhaps I ought not post this online since it is more for me...but oh well...oh yeah...I don't fucking want anyone's pity either...seriously, if any one tries to tell me how they pity me I may flip. But seriously...I am so sad...I mean...I...don't even know what to write...how to put this into words...I could say I'm depressed, but so is like 1 in 4 teenagers, so that is rather cliche. Mine almost goes beyond that, and of course I probably need help, I was joking last time...but now I admit it. But I think the only reason I go on is because I'm too lazy to not. That is not to say I want to die, just that I don't think I have a preference either way. Of course this sounds like a load of shit, but pull a gun on me sometime or something, test your theory. Of course, I am probably deluding myself again because many claim it is human instinct to try to survive...but Sartre says there is no human nature, so I'm not sure. Either way...whoo...freaky shit...I am so mentally sick and deranged...yeah...whatever...don't read this then ye of strong moral standings. Oh yeah, I only write these for me now, the audience will still be written to, but I don't care if anyone reads them, it is my diary...left wide open on the table. This also means I write when I want, and about what I want to, and most people will be disgusted, but its ok to stop acting everyone...I see through your deception...I never had any confidantes...and certainly never any friends...but my delusion was beneficial in the long run.

Well, first off I just noticed that my log is being deleted as I write it...my forever lasting discussions are deleted although I did not notice it at the time...oh well...moving on...

I am at the moment writing a research paper on Jean-Paul Sartre as I listen to Simon and Garfunkel, and Classical. He is quite a figure, my favorite page so far is here, and it is totally awesome to look in depth at his work, and what's more, to look at how he developed (i.e. his biography). Many of his ideas parallel mine and it seems that as I study him I draw more parallels between us, though some of what he does is more extremist than what I do. Obviously he is not a good role-model, but he is quite a figure. Oddly enough...he may have had mental problems, but if it is accurately depicted on the site why these conclusions are drawn, I may have the same problems...oh well. Maybe I just like to say all this because it elevates me to his level...but then again...the site claims the man was not genius, though he self-absorpedly claimed he was. Sounds like me, eh? Well...so anyways it is interesting, and though I have few readers here anymore, some of them are hostile to me at that, I thought I would update to talk about how cool this guy was, it would be pretty cool if I was able to do all he was. Though some of our conclusions differ, he seems to be right more of the time, though I still believe he is wrong in some areas where I am more right. Well...that's it...oh, wait..."Prudence", grow some backbone and at least address me without an alias...I mean...I can take the criticism, so why are you so disinclined to not take credit for it?

Quote of the Day: "Nonconformists travel as a rule in bunches. You rarely find a nonconformist who goes it alone. And woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity." � Eric Hoffer
...I thought it was funny...and somehow...strangely fitting...

Well, I haven't had time to type for awhile, school was overwhelming, ad other stuff too. I am not in a great mood although I will be writing about some pretty good times, so I guess that will make every thing sound less cool than it was, but screw it.

First off...on the MB it says that I have expressed a desire to "kill" my friends...did I do that, cause looking back I did not see myself posting anything of the sort. Of the second part f the message...perhaps I am acting, I definitely am being an ass...but why the hell not...what else is there to do? I mean...this is a kinda old issue...but seriously...if you are gonna insult me in public...at least have the backbone to say who you are...its so ridiculously inconsiderate to anonymously insult someone.

I got in from Florida yesterday (New Year's Eve) and upon leaving the plane made several phone calls to ascertain any plans for the evening. I only got ahold of Matt who claimed nothing was going on. Reading the weblogs I gather that may not have been true, but I mean...if I was lied to there is nothing I can do...but if I was just not welcome it would have been better to have known that than to simply be told a lie. Like I said though...fuck it.

My trip to Florida was not bad a little bit of time spent with the family on Christmas, a birthday party for me and my cousin (I'm an adult now), and my Grandpa's birthday...three birthdays in two days, it was pretty cool I guess. Then we went to Disney World and Universal Studios. Hadn't been in like five years so the new rides were pretty cool, especially the flight simulator at Epcot.

My Christmas was pretty good too, lots of upgrades for my drums and a guitar case finally. I also got my Eagle Scout done except for the board of review which is my final task to finish it. My grades have dropped significantly in school and I hope I still break 4.5, though I doubt it without great finals. I have a ton of work to do in the next few days, so life will be busy as usual, but it is something to do at least, because I get bored so easily. Well...that is all I can think of saying...I feel a little bit better now, maybe writing is cathartic, but whatever...point is...I hope other people had better breaks than I did, because I didn't even get a full week of happiness over this one.

Man..for some reason I feel like such a hypocrite for some reason right now. I mean...I criticized the group endlessly and stated that (as I still believe) I have no friends, but since I played D&D last night with the group, I feel hypocritical. I want to reason it away by explaining that I just played a game with some acquaintances, but for some reason it is not holding for me.

I really like that game and was disappointed by the people less into the game who still insisted on playing. Our group was far too big, it'd be better if we could break into two groups and play. I had to come home to work on a bunch of shit for school and Eagle. I think I will be too busy this weekend to do much else, but if we play again I might make time.

Based on last night's experiences I really do realize that I dislike a good number of the people I associate myself with, maybe that is another reason I feel hypocritical. I actually realized that I almost couldn't stand being there when everyone was there, the group mentality makes people worse I think. Some got better as more people left, but others were bothersome all night.

I am a little disappointed Alex didn't flip out at those guys last night. If I were Alex I would have kicked all their house-trashing asses out immediately. I guess I'm just an ass. But seriously guys...you were sleep deprived so you trashed Alex's basement and got shit all over his pool table? Damn man...that was just so immature, even if it was caused by lack of sleep. The lack of sleep seemed to make all you guys crack up, but I mean...even if I had been up and about...it still wasn't that funny...it was just stupid as hell and you guys got a kick out of it. I wanted to see Ian kill one of you man...you all would've desrved it.

Anyways...last night was still primarily fun and I just don't want to work anymore, I wish I really didn't care so I could just happily fail. Oh well...I'm overworked and reverting back to my caustic self again...I guess that is not fun, but at least I can bitch about it here and expect only one or two people to know, especially because a lot of the bashing and bitching is about former readers/friends. Ah...fuck it.

On a lighter note...Alex got in to Cornell...I didn't know till Friday...but that was cool to hear. I wish I was done with my apps.

In English class we have often discussed a misreading of a passage we write about, we simply misinterpret the message of the writing and the response we have is less effective because of it. I feel that my previous weblog has been subject to several misreadings based upon the responses I got to it.

First, I don't care if people still read it, I would not write it if I did. Feel free to read it and give me your responses to it too, I have this online solely for the purpose that it can be read, I just feel that it is not interesting enough for most people to read it, and thus, I did not think anyone would read it with the link to it gone.

I also believe my purpose in writing it was misinterpreted. I am not bitching because someone forgot to call me, that happens. I am choosing to no longer spend time with the group because I do not feel a part of it, I cannot rationalize it, I just feel that way and nothing said now could change that feeling, I know it would just be false kindness rooted in sympathy. When I told everyone to fuck off, I did mean it, I want to do my own thing, so just let me. Don't try to be the good friend anymore, its novelty is now lost on me. All I intend to do is go about my own way without support from any of my former friends, I intend to become independent of social interaction, and while this may be necessitated by my schedule, the point is that I don't want you all to call me and say "lets go hang out" (not that that ever happened in the first place), but rather leave me out until I sort my life out, which may be never.

I realize that forsaking social interaction may be an incredibly bad idea, but I will not be talked out of it again, some of my "friends" did that last time, and now I seem to be worse off than before, as if it grew in strength while I ignored that evil. Well, no more, I will do what the fuck I want, and it seems that it may be the first time in a long time I am granted this total freedom. So don't taint it trying to be helpful, you will ruin it for me. No one cna be helpful to me anymore, and if I cannot find the strength to help myself, than I am incurably ill, and I will have to deal with that if the issue comes up.

Hopefully this clears up any and all questions involving your responsibiltites in the matter, the meaning of my writing, etc... The only wrong that has been done here is mine, no, wait...that's not entirely true...but mostly, it is my fault, so don't fret anymore. The only help you could have offered has worsened the problem, and those people who try to help are most responsible for my violent lashing out besides me, of course. Well, I'm rambling, have a nice evening, I will write whenever I am inspired.

Hah...misleading title, I could not possibly cover everything, that is impossible. I have been booted from Anthony's site because he is not "interested in what I say"...well...I guess that is fair, I doubt anyone really cares what I have to say anyway. With that link gone I guess my page hits will be down this month...but oh well...maybe its better not having this read, I can write less restrained if I believe no one else will read it.

I have no vested interest in anything anymore, I become more the epitome of apathy daily. Not total apathy of course, but I am losing interest in almost everything that should matter. Thing is that I have become pessimistic once again and, although I may become exceedingly bored and do something with the group tonight...point is that right now I have nearly no interest in hanging out with them, and in reality at the moment I am contemplating whether I like anyone in the group.

If you all read this that may piss you off, but oh well...I feel distant from everyone I ever considered a friend...and really, if I have no friends I suppose that may be better. I have an issue that needs addressing, but I do not feel secure enough that no one will read this to post it. Needless to say though, I have no one with whom to discuss it anymore though. I don't frequent the online scene frequently because school is preoccupying me...that and I seem to have found more fun activities.

I have so much to do in so little time, yet I care so little that I still idle my time away constantly working harder to avoid work than the actual work would be. I can't believe how many problems I have, it is almost disgusting in a way. This website is great for bitching because its not like I make you read it, so you can't bitch back...suckers. I really ought to seek out help before I destroy my life with these constant collapses of esteem and politeness. I become such an ass when I am in a mood like this. Though truly, I am ruining my own life, in an almost sadistic way, my life is quite comedic...and maybe ironic...I don't know for sure though. I realize my problems, and acknowledge them, but refuse to correct them and not let them drag me down.

Fucking...I don't know, I'm so mad that I am writing like the shit this is and though I ought not post this, I will in the vain (or not-so-vain) hope that no one reads this site. Maybe no one did and it was all an illusion I created in my mind. The mind is the most powerful tool I was given so I plan to utilize it, maybe one day I will stop being such an ignorant, pompous ass...but that is so unappealing I may be hoping for too much.

Frisbee is going well at Creek, so is arate, so is music. I suppose some things aren't so bad, just most of 'em.

Well, my evening was quite eventful, being the experiment it was. As I sit at my house tonight I contemplate the meaning of friendship. My experiment having already occured, it seems some conclusions must be drawn from the data, though I would prefer not to draw them because I will just be ostracized more for stating them.

First, I determined that humans are inherently prone to lying even when the truth is just as acceptable an answer. I admit it, I do this too, lying is just more natural in some scenarios. I ought to have done something more constructive tonight, based on its outcome, in hindsight I wasted an evening. I could have worked, made money...or typed college essays, never seems to end the number I still have to write.

Instead I stayed home, contemplating the core meaning of friendship, what a waste of time. I guess that although I believe humans have primary flaws to begin with, I had hoped that friends would be saved from some of the evil treatment we normally offer one another. I was wrong, friendship is a facade of real relationships, we simply use them as leverage to get more of what we want. Granted, what most people seek is simple social interaction from their friends, but the selfish motive of friendship s the root of the problem here.

Perhaps I ought to have more actively sought to do something with the group, that would put me in a better mood I'm sure...oh...wait...no...that's why I'm in a bad mood now...well...shit. I guess the meaning of the words "I'll call you back in 10 minutes" no longer hold the same meaning they once did, because otherwise I would not be here now. I would love to simply think I was forgotten in the haphazard plans they all made, but I must stop deluding myself sometime. I must realize that if I was truly an integral part of the group I would maybe get a call even occasionally inviting me to do stuff. This is not the case, I realize I must have been more a leech, bothering you guys until I got invited to do stuff. I apologize, that was very inconsiderate of me.

I guess I ought to manage social interaction better, perhaps I would be able to make better friends if I myself was better. I suppose that I ought not place the blame solely on myself, but if I place it elewhere I will be chastised, so I take full responsibility for being an undesireable friend to all. It is definitely my fault I did not for some reason attain the standards of friendship others have.

So this is what I spent my night doing, I am going to a concert tommorrow night and Sunday I work, so I suppose that in all my other free time I should find something more constructive to do with my time, and since I have just lost a main reason to avoid work, I plan to accomplish some now. Hopefully I become productive again by seeking success where I can find it, because a social life is something that I cannot seem to successfully manage. Here I am again feeling sorry for myself...oh well...don't read if you don't want to, I only write in the sad hope that someone somewhere relates to me, and learns from my mistakes that I have to live first.

Oh...the purpose of the passage, if you all did not get it (and I mean this in the broadest sense, you all is every human on Earth) was that I just told you to fuck off. I will find more peace in my own activities than putting up with more shit from another single human. I hope that I can find that peace at least, because even the most apathetic human ought to feel some sorrow if they caused my life to be irreversibly full of torment because I lost the ability to find inner peace because of them. Of course, I don't know what would happen if I lost even my inner peace, but I cannot forsee a pleasant end of that story.

I will do more schoolwork, music and karate from now on I guess because at least the people I interact with there don't torment me as much. Or maybe I will just live in my own private world where I am happy, and I can write music all day or whatever, and live in an illusion of happiness, something is better than this I'm sure...because if not perhaps some problems are only solved with most undesireable consequences.

First, although to bash anything Ned said last night on this site would be entirely hypocritical and really...just shit...I must discuss a few things. I can understand a little bit of Ned's logic on a few of his arguments, unfortunately he makes unsubstantiated claims to prove his points, granted, I do that too. For instance, yes Matt, I do believe parts of us can split into opposing parties without being schizophrenic, though I cannot back this up with any solid proof, but simply I can and often do feel torn in two directions. I do believe sympathy addresses the issue in a more realistic manner than empathy because of the colloquial usage of the word. I simply believe that Ned over-reacted to the situation to begin with and the group has since over-reacted in response, because Ned's argument does seem to have facets of truth.

That said, tonight's discussion on religion was enlightening as always, perhaps more so because of my shifted point of view in such issues. I believe that what needs to be addressed is not a questioning of our faiths, but a constant questioning of our faiths. Becoming complacent in such an important aspect of life is just asking to be screwed. If I never question the veracity of what I believe, how can I be expected to defend it? You must question it to defend it, because your questions will be someone else's too. I must also ask that the group remain as open as it was, although not all participated, I suppose that was better than someone flipping out and telling us that we were all heathens or something to that effect. That restraint is admirable and I hope all realize that in such discussions we are simply debating it in order to expand our own beliefs.

I do not believe in a God for reasons based upon my own deliberations, but I assume that if you do, you have reason to, even if it is as simple as "why not". If you disagree let me know on the message board. I believe that understanding of religion lies as this: it may or may not be correct, and there is no proof either way. Since there is no "wrong" side to the issue, all we can do is for ourselves, by openly listening to other's thoughts on the subjects. I don't really have an inclination to express my personal beliefs in detail here, but they are on the page if you desire to read them.

Switching gears, today I was told I seem to be working too hard. This was incredibly comical and, at the same time, sadly close to the mark. I cannot seem to focus any energy into my college apps, and it is pissing me off, but at the same time, it seems my hard work and energy is now applied to avoiding the work. Rather than write apps the last two days, I "wasted" most of my time with the group and playing instruments. So I am putting a lot of effort where it does not matter, well good for me, I seem to be wasting my life then. Know this, everyone works too hard their whole life at something, even the laziest bum is forced to work on remaining lazy and not doing work, there is a balance, but I cannot find it.

I saw Misery for the second time tonight...those damn feet...well it was a pretty good movie the second time around. I have to go to work in 8 hours...damn. I guess I forgot what else I was going to rant, rave, and bitch about...but yeah...this site is definitely a hella bitchy site Ellen..I don't deny it...as a matter of fact, I think that if I was still having massive issues as I used to I would be much like Ned in my thinking, as it is I still am to a degree I think. I would hate to be so cold as to suggest that perhaps there is something wrong with Ned...but I mean there is so much wrong with me (though you guys don't all know what) that the parallels my mind runs to his almost scream for some kinda correlation there. Oh well...I am not done, but I am stopping typing.

Funny, yesterday (a few hours ago), I was completely uninspired and wrote a hella shitty weblog. Now, I am inspired and feel as if I have so much to cover in so little time. See what you guys do to me?

Well, for those who didn't notice as I left tonight, I am once again sick. I feel like vomiting right now so hopefully that passes because elsewise I am great. Actually, I wish I would get sick, cause you always feel better afterwards, though I think that last time I pulled some abdominal muscles, and they still hurt.

Run Lola Run was quite good, very interesting. Although I could not see a connection between the introduction of the one question one answer thing and the rest of the movie, I felt the movie was to be enjoyed. Sometime we shoul watch The Wall though, it is quite entertaining and this movie reminded me of my goal to have it at movie night sometime for some reason.

We made some damn good poetry good job all that helped, Matt, Chris, Ian, Anthony...and of course, as Alex said, what is a work of art without a proper frame...and we framed it quite beautifully. Sometime all who missed must see it. We also ought to play D&D later today, I am quite anxious to try out my character if possible...role play is just so cool, an I can't resist the draw of a title attributable to all nerds who play it.

But now, finally to the topic of the post...human interaction. One of the most interesting issues I have come to notice is our penchant for lying. Just of the top of my head I could name a dozen occasions tonight where a choice was made to lie in a situation where honesty was no more damaging than a lie, but regardless the lie was spoken. This really speaks to the immorality of the world in which we live, the self-rightous bubble we wrap ourselves in is really such bullshit. Some people are so corrupted its insane, and yet they believe they are good all the same...it is knida sad. Then there are those who decieve others, and knowingly set up a situation for others to be hurt. Despite realizing the potentialities of he situation, they choose to ignore it and continue on this track.

Don't get me wrong here, I am sure I am just as bad as the next man, but like everyone else I have a protective bubble of self-rightousness protecting me from the errors of my ways as well. It's just that I would rather see everyone be a little more honest with everyone, themselves included. I appreciate how Alex declared his basement a "bitch-free" zone, but really, I just see that as a restriction on our conversations. I am probably one of the bitchiest people in the group as far as that goes, but I mean, it does allow for some interesting conversations at times. The point is that I think everyone has the right to not only hold opinions, but to share them in appropriate situations, despite the negative or complaintative tone of them.

When we perpetuate these same behaviors over and over again, all we achieve is alienation. The people who would argue are simply discouraged from contact with you...while this is to be desired in some situations, here I think it jst lowers our horizons, rather than seriously contemplate a point brought forth by the opposing side of an issue, we shut that other side completely out, and deny it a vote. This stunts our growth in reality. Well...thats all for now, I lost my train of though and am too tired to regain it, if I update agian later today you guys will likely end up reading only one third of my recent posts..how funny is that, I spend time writing stuff that will not even be read again...thats quality...

Well...I haven't updated for ten days...that is embarassing. I was sick a few of those days, out of town, or just plain buried in homework. I worked on Wednesday, but I hear tea was pretty cool, yet that was the hardest day at work ever because I never was stuck with busy work and I always seemed to be behind despite how hard I worked.

I have relatives in town, it is like my dad's half-brother's family, yet their children are still my full first cousins...how the hell does that work? Whatever...it is nice to see them, but it is also the second time I have ever seen them, so I have no attachment at all to them, thus I am not out touring Colorado with the rest of the family, I must seem to be a real ass. Wait, correct that, I am a huge ass...oh well...fuck it...probably won't see them for years anyway, though that does nothing to deal with the real issue.

It is funny, but I seem to apologize a lot on here for the same mistakes, I guess that makes me seem less sincere, because I am taking no action. In reality though, I think that the problem is that I am sincerely sorrowful for what I do, but not enough to fix the core problem. Maybe I don't actually care then...meh.

I suppose I could write out a list of what I'm thankful for but, no slight to anyone, right now the things I am not thankful for are far overpowering anything I am thankful for, and so I am not going to write a list that would really be bullshit.

I actually started this entry intending to respond to the contemplations of several others discussing relationships. I agree with Taifur, in that I do not feel at all interested in looking for the "ideal mate" and I would rather focus on the things that are important. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for everyone out there dating and enjoying it, good luck with it, but, in reality, the chances you marry someone you dated in high school are practically nil. So I don't see the point in being so hurried to find someone to be with. Granted, they provide emotional support and all, but I would rather focus the resources I would allocate to a girlfriend to other things which, in the long run, will matter a lot more.

Well, that was long...I guess I'll go back to writing for college till the thing at Chaffin's later...

Well, once again a sad fact has entered my life, for it seems that my eagle project is not lifting off the ground, and as such it seems I am quite unlikely to get my Eagle. This is incredibly depressing because of the drive I have made to get it since summer. It seems I am failing at everything I had planned to accomplish, and that sucks really bad...I didn't get my Black Belt, and if I don't get my Eagle...shit..well...I guess that is just really saddening.

On a lighter note, I took four tests today (in some form or another, essays and the like), I think I did not do so well...but fuck it..I seem to be failing everything else I do, so why not school too, maybe I actually will become a bum earlier than I planned, just skip the whole college concept.

Eh, pretty much my life is going to shit, which seems almost inherently contradictory because when I was depressed I was getting stuff done, and I was suceeding in life...I guess I can only focus my energies internally or externally, not both. That is too bad, because I also am trying to learn piano, and the way things are going, I'm going to end up failing that too as I try to sort out myself. Granted, some people are making that quite difficult to do, but I don't understand why people can't just relax sometimes. I mean...lets be honest...a lot of people treat me different now because of what happened...well...sorry, I can't change the past...so get over some of that shit, and if you can't please don't bring me back down as I try to move beyond it. I regret much of what I did, but I have made several efforts to reconcile with my mistakes, and many of you don't want to be a part of that either, but don't begrudge me the problems I have made every effort to resolve. Yeah...I'm not mad at all of you though...sorry about that.

I went to band tonight...it was sorta fun, we have a good song or two for our next performance, though most of the songs are once again boring. I guess I have one cool song where I have a tight lead line the whole verse, and then I have syncopated power chords with heavy distortion in the chorus, but most of the other songs are simple arpeggiation of chords with a clean acoustic sound, if not simple strumming.

I hate how I seem to experience moodswings based on so many minor events, I was happy a couple days ago, listening to classical music and enjoying the subtleties of the composition, now I am listening to screaming hardcore bands and my life seems to be full of the anger I don't want. Oh well, at least I had a few days of happiness between the depression and anger. To be honest though, I think I liked being depressed, I mean, I liked happiness better of course, but it was so temporary, and the depresion so long lasting that I think I was really enjoying it, now this anger has me all out of sorts with myself. I hate being angry, but of course I am just feeding the emotion by doing that...I really hate these fucking no-win scenarios, I mean...I just can't seem to win the battle with myself, I am ashamed of how weak I truly am.

Oh yeah...I'm getting a haircut and shave sometime soon, maybe I will look a bit better by thanksgiving tea even...I'm going to some cool barber guy who's going to halp me look decent, and apparently even teach me how to maintain my appearance to a degree...seems cool in theory. Oh, back to school, The Plague is really good, I am enjoying it a lot, despite the fact that I fell asleep while reading it and had a nice nap today. It is one of the best books I have ever been forced to read as a matter of fact. I guess I am enjoying some of the stuff I am learning, even if I seem destined to fail in my actual knowledge of what I enjoy learning...fuck it..I'm incoherent and rambling...

Hah...twice in a row I have not left for my house until after midnight, yet I have all priveleges I had before and these issues of disobeying rules seem to have no important repercussions...my parents just dislike them a bit. I do so love driving home at 90 mph every night past midnight...a simple thrill I guess.

I am very much disappointed I did not finish the movie...but oh well...I did not want to overstay my welcome...sorry if I did anyway...the movie was pretty good, though having not seen it all I cannot make a final judgement. Speaking of final judgements...it is funny to look back at my articles and realize that a little editing would add so much cohesion...but then these lose their meanings...a simple stream of conciousness. Congrats to Anthony for getting the ladder thing working...bravo.

More congratulations are deserved by my brother. He single-handedly drove me out of my own house, by manipulating my mom. See, he is grounded, so a friend shows up and I lay down the law and say no. He calls my mom and convinces her its ok because they are starting a band and they want to practice. Well, she agrees and it turns out that playing disharmonic notes just for the hell of it really can drive you crazy. This so called band was practicng songs by playing random notes and perhaps even progressions...but in a different key on all instruments...despite the fact that they are all "C" instruments. Well, they made this noise so I left for the night despite having no plans a of yet...well played smurf, but I will win next time.

Work is not going too bad, a bit boring...but pretty fun, you all should come in some time to say hi...or make fun...whatever suits you. I have to leave for week in 8 hours...so much for that sleep issue...I also have homework, so I guess I ought not waste so much time with you all...but I do so enjoy it...so fuck other stuff. I keep meaning to ask you guys to help me on my eagle project...but I forget...sorry about that. I need to shave I think...but it takes so much effort...I hate being lazy...but I can't deny that I like this aspect of being lazy (yes...I mean I like the beard)...oh well...I have lots to do during the week and am gone over the weekend, so I'll see you all next next weekend probably, but I'll be online as usual...damn I'm such a junkie. I need to do something meaningful with my life...but I won't, so I guess I shouldn't try so much, maybe I should become a music junkie or something, eh...fuck it...I'll just pirate more stuff...I'm sure that's meaningful. Yeah...looking back I guess its kinda obvious its 1 am...shit...I gotta write these things when I'm more coherent...and intelligent...damn.

Appended 10:07 PM

Well...I plan on going to sleep soon so I decided to append rather than go to sleep late. My mom just rose a ton on the coolness meter because she just bought us a hella nice keyboard for the hell of it. It is awesome, it almost inspires me to learn how to play it myself.

On a related note...I love music...I wrote my second "masterpiece" today...or some of it at least. I love Beethoven's Mondshein, it is the most emotional piece ever, I wish I could write like that. I also am growing to love Antiflag, which almost seems ironic here as I write about classical masterpeices, but I appresiate many types of music. Mozart's Turkish March is also awesome, I hope to learn some of these pieces so I can make an ass out of myself sometime at a piano.

I really am finding a new appreciation for classical music though, due mostly to AP Music Theory, I just love the exposure to masterpeices that class provides. I could listen to music all day, almost any type...but no country...and I would be happy, it is just so amazing. If I though I had a future in it I would definitely try to be a professional musician, but soon enough I will try to get some stuff recorded with my band and let you guys hear it, especially if I can get one of mine actually fininshed, I hate being unable to finish my own music. It's the biggest let-down to be unable to finish my own musical thoughts.

Youth group was productive tonight, we tried to get some planning done on our mission trip and I think we were able to choose preliminary target locations and dates for the trip. It was cool, despite the inane antics of the freshman class. I can't wait for my senior mission trip, it will be so awesome.

I am so far behind in school it is sickening. I think I will fail out of every class with my current lifestyle...despite my promising 4.8 last quarter...oh well...fuck it. My beard is getting to be so awesome, I can like tug on it in thought and it makes for such mildly entertaining amusement, just to play with it...shame it will probably be gone next time you see me.

Oh yeah, I think I'm gonna learn Fur Elise and Canon as soon as I am able, so maybe I will be good next time I see you all...that woud be cool...my mom is learning Turkish March, but that was way too hard for me since I don't know how to play piano, though I can play both pieces by music on my guitar. I think that's it, if anyone out there is musically inclined I would love your opinion on my songs (keping in mind they are written for a rock band and not a school band, you band geeks)...hah...well...that's all then, music is awesome, you should all pick a good classical piece and just listen some time, it feels so good...so...sexy...hah...yep...I'm done.

Well...I tried to format this so as to make it more readable, but thus far it is not working, so you once again get the honor of reading my rant/rave rather than getting the same information beautifully and aesthetically. First off, Finding Nemo was...well...decent, but I definitely see how Rob was saying it is a one time view kinda deal...I would not go back and watch it again to get what I missed. The Matrix Reloaded, on the other hand, was still quality the third time I saw it, and of course I found some things I missed still.

While I suppose one of the most lacking things in my life is the ability to just have fun for the sake of having fun...I just can't think of a way to do that. Nemo was suppossedly a good movie just by going into it light-hearted planning to have fun. As much as I think I would like to enjoy something like that, I cannot...oh well.

Oh yeah...those of you criticizing this site for being...over the top and I guess even confusing...I don't demand you read this, if it is not enjoyable for you...don't read it...that seems easy enough, yeah? However, I believe a good majority of you reading this find a sadistic joy in reading it...not that that is wrong...mind you, rather it is a simple statement that my life on this weblog is just another reality show to watch...only twist here is that you know me. But then again...maybe not.

Also, my term paper in English Literature will be written on Existentialism. This is exciting because so many of you refer to this topic when refering to my theories, so I eagerly await this research paper. I am also reading The Plague by Albert Camus, and once I begin it, I hope to find it enlightening and interesting, especially for an assigned book. I love school, its rigor and routine allow me to focus on life, on living. It is such a help to me in running my life for me. I don't know what I will do next year when faced with so much more of the real world...but I imagine that for one I will hermit myself.

I also am not feeling the physics now, enjoyable as it is, it is getting a lot harder than planned for senior year. Oh yeah, I apologize to those called whilst my phone was jacked last night. Umm...I don't have much else to say I don't think...I didn't even write about anything anyway. At the core I agree...this site is scary and foreboding if you know me, if not...why bother reading it? Anyways...yes, scary...but, it is readable and quite an interesting perspective into an odd human psyche I think, so I continue to write...if I stopped getting page hits I would still write because it is therapeutic, and thus my anger does not seem to be building up as it has before...everything is so odd...sometimes it's as if I see something through new eyes not first thinking "God created this", and instead more thinking "Hey, this is kinda cool," I believe it has opened my mind more, but that is just my opinion and those are rarely important in reality. Yeah...now I'm gonna stop, I'm writing too much again. Oh yeah...I might or might not shave tommorrow...but since I think that every day, I think you all should vote on whether or not I keep it longer...but it will be off by Thanksgiving.

Well...it seems my newest thoughts are once again revolving around rather seemingly important issues. Now, after looking over what I was writing a week ago again, I realized something very important. I am passionate about the wrong things, of course I just feel like I'm writing for the sake of writing now...but I wanted to address this so bear with me. See, most people become impassioned with things that make them happy, and brighten their day, while I cannot say I do not do the same, the fact is that these things ought not make me happy. Of course, the other passion many people have is an anger, a negative passion it seems. Well...I don't know that I have ever been in love...but if I have, then apparently, my impassioned inspirations come from the wrong things too. Many people can write endlessly about love and its saving graces, I can only seem to write about pain, suffering, and anger. I know this is not all I have ever experienced, yet it seems to be what I most thrive on. Rather than write love poems and reflections here, I started this website as an anger vent, and the writings here are some of the most forceful and passionate stuff I have ever written, I don't care whether or not they were good. The fact is that I seem most comfortable with pain and suffering, while this is wrong, it is also definitely true, I thrive in a painful environment. Right now my life is very boring and I am completely disinterested with it, but I also hate it when I am in pain. It seems a no-win situation since I seem unable to have innocent fun, I can only have happiness in hurt. I realized this is true of life towards me and others too, if I myself am not hurt enough, I feel obliged to hurt others too. It seems my most private sanctums are either bashing away at drums, or kicking some ass at karate, and when I'm not kicking ass at karate, I am doing it at home. I am a very violent child. Yet, I thouroughly enjoy it, and it seems the best way to have fun. I guess I will always be angry at the world, and that is not so much a problema as not understanding why. Why must I hate my environment, and not just accept it like a normal person? I guess this is the question knawing at my brain...I want a relative normality it seems most people have, yet I don't want it at the same time. I dunno, I guess I'm just doomed to be crazy, to wander this earth forever seeking the answers I already have, but do not understand. I think that is everyone's problem, we don't look for answers, we have those, but we claim to whilst really looking for an understanding of the answer we know. But, our self-delusion keeps us working in circles...and never accomplishing anything. As to money spent...well, let us say a lot of debt. Yeah...that came to me so I had to put it in there...well I guess I was way to bored because I don't know what I just wrote about. This headache I've had all week is getting to me, the constant pressure in my head is driving me insane, but, it also breaks my concentration all over the place. I can't seem to focus on the important stuff anymore...like my eagle project, or college, or shaving...yeah I still have the ugly beard...woohoo...damn...not much more to say, I should focus but I think I'm going to sleep and pretend like I don't have a life that needs tending to...maybe I just won't go to college and become a bum or something meaningful like that...