SOME More.........Tit bits Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep ! ---------------- ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY So what ? Who's in a hurry ? ----------------- Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours ! ------------------ Love is photogenic It needs darkness to develop ----------------- A good discussion is like a miniskirt Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject ----------------- Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING ----------------- A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.. Great, the drunk exclaime! d. When do we get started? ----------------- Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting.. ----------------- Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.. ----------------- When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best? She answers: My husband's cheque book.. ---------------- Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else? Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday. ---------------- Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? ---------------- My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. ---------------- Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing? Student: Brotherly love. ----------------- Teacher: Now,! Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. ------------------ Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help. Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!! -------------------- Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday? Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it. -------------------- Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog! -------------------- Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either. -------------------- Diner: You'll drive me to my grave! Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you? --------------------- Husba! nd: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me. Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me! -------------------- Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden! Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days , you can keep it. ------------------ Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That's why I say she's no good! -------------- Should women have children after 35 No, 35 children are more than enough! ---------------- No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.. ---------------- Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.. ---------------- Children in backseats cause accidents Accidents in backseats cause children ! Really goodies.. > >A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m.when he found the CEO > standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. > "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important > document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" > > "Certainly, Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the > machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. > > "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside >the machine. "I just need one copy." > > Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything. > > ******************************************************* > > A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the >window: "I want to open a damn checking account." > >To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must >have misunderstood you.What did you say?" > >"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account ! >right now!" > >"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of >language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window >and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. > >They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be >the problem here?" > >"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 >million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking >account in this damn bank!" > >"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this >bitch here is giving you a hard time?" > >Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything. > > > ******************************************************* > >An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA >when the American turned to the Japanese and asked,"What kind of -ese >are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, ! "Sorry but I don't understand > >what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" >Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. > >The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are >you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc......" The Japanese >then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned >to the American and asked what kind of '-key' was he. The American, >frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I ?! > > >" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or monkey ?" > >Lesson III - Never insult anyone. > > > ******************************************************* > >There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a >French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a >genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, >he said, "Next to you! all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a >wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the >pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." > > >The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted >WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was >so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. > >Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and >immersed himself into a pool of vodka. > >The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented >with his beer pool. > >The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he >steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted , >"SHIT!!!!!!!........." > > >Lesson IV: Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in > > > > Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." *************************************************