Here are some jokes and funny stories passed down from friends.

COMPUTER PROBLEM
What if Noah lived today?
DESIGNATED DRIVER?
Rules of the road
A Republican and a Democrat
 
 
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COMPUTER PROBLEM                  Top

 An English teacher was explaining to his students the 
concept of gender 
association in the English language. He stated how 
hurricanes at one time 
were given feminine names and how ships and planes 
were usually referred to 
as "she."
One of the students raised their hand and asked '"What 
'gender' is a 
computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided 
the class into two 
groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked 
them to decide if a 
computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups 
were asked to give four 
reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be 
referred to in the 
masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn 
them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, 
but half the time they 
ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if 
you had waited a little 
longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers 
should definitely be 
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal 
logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with 
other computers is 
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term 
memory for later 
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find 
yourself spending half 
your paycheck on accessories for it.

What if Noah lived today?              Top

   And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain
   and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want
   you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth.
   Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God
   delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the
   plans and agreed to build the ark.

   "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything
   aboard in one year."

   Exactly one-year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas
   of the earth went into a tumult.

   The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He
   shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

   "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
   problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not
   meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
   Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler
   system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I
   was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had
   to get a variance from the city planning commission.

   Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban
   on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
   Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
   Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls. The carpenters formed a union
   and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
   Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16
   carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

   "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me.
   They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
   Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing
   an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very
   kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator
   of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
   proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

   "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment
   Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
   atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the
   Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a
   notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to
   register the Ark as a recreational water craft'. And finally, the ACLU got the
   courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying
   that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore
   unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or
   six years."

   Noah waited.

   The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A
   rainbow arced across the sky.

   Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth,
   Lord?"

   "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
 
 
 
 
 
 

DESIGNATE DRIVER                   Top

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar,
hoping for a bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his
potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he
could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a
few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally
found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as
the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off,
wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the
grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto
the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights
and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer
test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be
broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the
designated decoy!"
 
 
 
 

Rules of the road                                Top
 

  1.  A right lane construction closure is just a game
to see how many people can cut in line by passing
 you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting
for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in
before hitting the orange highway cones.

 2.  Turn signals will give away your next move; a
real driver  never uses them.

  3.  Under no circumstances should you leave a safe
distance between you and the car in front of you, or
the space will be filled in by somebody else putting
you in an even more dangerous situation.

 4.  Crossing two or more lanes in a single
lane-change is considered"going with the flow."

  5.  The faster you drive through a red light, the
smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

 6.  Braking is to be done as hard and late as
possible to ensure thatyour ABS kicks in,
giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates.  (For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance to stretch your legs.)

7.  The new electronic traffic warning system signs
are not there to provide useful information, they are
only there to make the highway look high-tech and
to distract you from seeing the State Police car
parked behind the grassy knoll.

 8.  Never pass on the left when you can pass on the
right. It's agood w ay to scare people entering the highway.

9.  Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10.  Just because you're in the left lane and have no
room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver,
flashing his high beams behind you, doesn't think he can go
faster in your spot.

 11.  Please remember that there is no such thing as a
shortcut during rush-hour traffic.

12.  ALWAYS slow down and rubberneck when you see an
accident or even someone changing a tire.

13.  Learn to swerve abruptly. This the home
of high-speedslalom d riving thanks to our State
Legislature, who put potholes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

14.  It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.

15.  Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes
your right of way.

16.  Never take a green light at face value. Always
look right and left before proceeding.

17.  Remember that the goal of every driver is to get
there first, by whatever means necessary.

19.  All drivers are required to use a cellular phone
while driving.  It makes it easier to call 911 when
they hit someone and the Police can respond more
quickly to block off 2 or more lanes traffic ...
especially during rush hour.

20.  Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any
of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions
ensure the economic well being of body shops, junkyards
and new vehicle sales.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A Republican and a Democrat               Top
 

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they
 came upon a homeless person.
 
 The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him
 to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of
 his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
 
 The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another
 homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless
 person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached
 into the Republican's pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
 

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