D. DEBBS: (Quiet) 'Fan-fic' writing isn't fun for me anymore. (Cries) I don't have the heart anymore. (The 'Daria' cast lets out a LOUD gasp. Only Mitch, her 'Sweet Baboo', breaks the silence.) MITCH: (Pleading-he DOESN'T want her to quit) DEBBS! 'RAT-BOY!' STACY: (Panics; hyperventilates) WHAT ABOUT MY STORY? SANDI: (Acts smug; to Stacy) I guess you're NOT as SUCCESSFUL as you thought you'll be! MITCH: (Cries himself) Debbs...(He can BARELY talk)...what about... LUCILLE'S VOICE: (high-pitched shrill) 'DARR-REE-AHH!' 'TENT!' (The 'sweethearts of shipperdom' both exchange nervous glances. Jane, however, saves the day by dispensing robes-the kind Tracey Ullman or any thespian would wear in between breaks or rehearsing on the set.) JANE: (To her fellow castmates; raises her voice) HIDE YOUR SHAME! (Lucille Muse Lane, the 'unoffical #1 child' of Daria & Trent & 'Daria's Rubber Room', appears wearing a pair of overralls that are covered with dust & dirt from her garden, a T-shirt that has a chain of daisies around the edges of its collar & sleeves & a miniature pair of black combat boot 'just like 'mom-mee's.' She tugs at the arms of both her parents & looks like she's about to erupt in a puddle of tears.) LUCILLE: (has a stereotypical sad, big-eyed 'Keane' painting of an orphan look on her 5-yr-old face) 'Darr-ree-ahh'...'tent'...pweeze donn't mayke 'God- mumzie Debbs' go'ed away. (Adds) I's donn't wanna bee da 'Litt-elle Matt-attch G-r-r-url' ann FURR-OSE INNDA SNOW! (A solemn Trent holds his distraught 'little muse' in his terry cloth robed covered tattooed arms & kisses the back of her dark brown head o' hair. An equally sad Daria tries her best as a would-be parent to soothe & console her daughter.) DARIA: Lucille...(Slight pause)...you can't tell people what to do with their lives. If you tell them to do something they don't want to do, how do you think that will make them feel? ('Mona Lisa' smile on her lips) I don't think they'll be happy, would they? (Adds) 'Gramma Helen' ALWAYS tells me what to do. LUCILLE: Shee wanns yew an 'tent' tew givv mee a bay-bee bruddah orr sisk-turr. DARIA: That would make 'gramma helen' happy...(Slight pause)...but it wouldn't make ME happy. LUCILLE: (Adds) 'Cuz wenn's yew & 'Tent' tolled mee datt wenn I's PIKKED yew & 'Tent' tewbe my 'mom-mee' & 'dad-dee', I's mayde yeww THROWED UPP a lott & 'Tent' gott (means to say 'symphaty pains', but like Kevin & Brittany, she gets the word wrong) 'SYMPHONY PAYNES!' (The cast laughs at Lucille's error...even her 'godmumzie' manages a chuckle.) TRENT: (Smiles at his 'li'l muse's' unintentional humor & adds) It DOES fell like I had a big o'l band on my lower back. LUCILLE: (Innocently asks her 'dad-dee') Didd 'Darr- ree-ahh' cumm upp tew yew NAY-KEDD IN OY-ELLE (Daria is now seen with a mortified expression on her face. 'Gramma' Helen is seen in the background gloating because it is her daughte'rs turn to face humiliation from HER daughter. Jane, of course, smirks over the hapless plight of her 'amiga.') holl-deeng a (Spreads her 'widdle' arms out wide) G-R-R-RATE BIG BOTT-ELLE ubb 'BAY-BEE OY-ELLE an zedd tew yew (Speaks in a flat, monotone voice 'just like 'mom-mee' does') "I's lee-ubb no gree-see fee-elle orr (tries to pronounce the word phonetically) ress-sidd-doo'ed aff-turr (Botches the word 'applicaation') 'APPLE-CAY-SHUN!' (Daria lets out a LOUD Helen-like groan. The cast members laugh at their 'leading lady' & star's expense.) JANE: (To Daria; still smirking) Isn't parenthood WONDERFUL? DARIA: ('Gets back' at her friend) Yes. Maternal instincts are so great that the options of you & Jesse to become either a 'FOSTER FAMILY' (Jesse has a very spooked look on his face. Jane, however, still smirks) or open your hearts to 'ADOPTION' should not be ignored. (Adds with a 'Mona Lisa' smile on her face) Frida* (*Jane & Jesse's 6-yr-old daughter from 'Jippitty Hoppitty Mad'-DD0 will never face being the stereotypical lonely 'only child', but she WILL have a very strong bladder due to the fact that she has to patiently wait for her brothers & sisters to finish using all the HOT WATER in the bathroom. (Also adds with the same 'Mona Lisa' grimace on her face) One could come to the conclusion that you & your husband WON'T be the ONLY members of the Moreno household to be taking...(Slight pause)...'COLD SHOWERS?' JESSE: (As always, he relies on any or all singular one-word reactions & replies) WHOA! LUCILLE: (to her 'Auntie Janey') Free-dahh tolled me datt yew an 'Unn-kull Jess-see' likked 'GOLD SHOWERS>' (Jane drops her jaws in shock, but her niece continues to use the adage 'out of the mouths of babes' effectively.) Iff yew's ewes regg-geww-lurr show-wurrs, no wunn cann's sees demm 'cuzz regg-gew--lurr showwurrs izz knott a kuh-lurr anda GOLD dattsin 'GOLD SHOWERS' izza kuh-lurr! JANE: (Regains her composure; to Lucilee in a matter-of-fact tone o' voice) 'Clear' IS a color: it was invented by fingernail polish companies 'cuz everyone knows all the GOOD ideas are stolen by GREETING CARD COMPANIES! DARIA: (To Lucille, who erupts in a series of required 5-yr-old's giggles) Yoy too can celebrate in the non- holiday spirit by looking at one's NON-SPARKLY manicure & or pedicure & be reminded that not only is it important to send 'thank you' notes to relatives who have thoughtfully send YOU gifts that are ('Mona Lisa' smiles at a none-too-thrilled Lucille) either 'Barbie's' newest friend or sister OR...(Gets ready to lower the proverbial 'cherry bomb' at her 'wee widdle wun')...A PINK DRESS! (Lucille lets out a VERY sad groan, but Daria continues to show her daughter how important it is to be kind and considerate of other's feelings)...but it is also important that fingernails are NOT 'snack food'-that is why 'BOOGERS" are made. The human body makes LOTS of yummy things to eat like RUNNY NOSE JUICE & THE INSIDE OF BELLY BUTTONS! (Lucille laughs out loud. Daria 'Mona Lisa'smiles) The human body is just like an artist like your 'Auntie Janey'-'CREATIVE!' (Suddenly, Lucille's mood changes from happy to sad. She speaks in a LOW voice.) LUCILLE: 'Godmumsie Debbs' izzan arr-tisk, tew. (A tear falls down her face)Shee duzzin wann tewbe 'cre--ate-tivv' ennymorr 'cuzz ubbb ikky GLENN!(Cries) He wonn't lett ennywunn havv enny fun ennymorr (Sobs a la Stacy)an now 'Godmumsie Debbs' dunnit wann tew write storr-rees no morr 'cuz shee's NOT havving enny fun, (Bawls) AND NO WUNN'S HAVVING ENNY FUN 'CUZ OF GLENN! DARIA: (Consoling & comforting Lucille; Trent rocks her in his arms)Lucille...(Long pause)...Glenn made a BIG mistake with my show, but he SHOULDN'T stop all the 'fan-ficters' at 'Crazynutso's' website from writing stories about me, or 'Auntie Janey', or'Gramma Helen', 'Grampa Jake'...or ANYONE. The ONLY person who can STOP making the 'fan-ficters' write are the 'fan-ficters' THEMSELVES. (All eyes fall on this here 'fan-fic' writer, who has her white-capped head lowered down to the ground & lets out a deep sigh for good measure.) (D. Debbs approaches her 'widdle goddaughter' & her parents, but her reply is by going through one of the pockets of what used to be her deceased mother's denim walking shorts to produce...a quarter upon which she gives to Daria for the 'Homer Simpson Swear Jar.' Daria shows her trademarked 'Mona Lisa' smile on her bespectiled face.) D. DEBBS: (Mutters a la Daria) Aw, Hell. (The entire 'Daria' cast-with the expection of Sandi, who folds her arms tightly against her bust & pouts-erupts into wild applause & the chaos that presented itself earlier-although it is clothed due to Lucille's presence-is once again shown.) STACY: (Smirks at a seething Sandi) Have a nice flight. (Sandi clinches her fists & her teeth & appears to be on the brink of 'boiling over' like the proverbial copper tea kettle on the verge of whistling on the stove. Tiffany has on her usual 'spooked animal' face.) TIFFANY: (Freaked out; to Sandi) SANDI! Clinching is BAD! Your TEETH won't be perfectly straight & you MIGHT have to wear...(Slight dramatic pause)...DENTURES...(Another slight pause)...MADE OF METAL...(Yes, 'fan-ficters', Tiffany takes yet another one of her 'patented pauses'-now's the time to get some homework in!-DD)...IN SHOP CLASS! (Sandi responds by giving Tiffany an icy glare that she normally delivers to-well, at least in this 'fan-fic'-the former secretary of the 'Fashion Club', but Tiffany, of course, is worried that by judging from the president of the 'Fashion Club's'reaction, something HAS TO be amiss with Ms. Blum-Deckler's physical appearance.) TIFFANY: (Freaking out; she puts her hands to her waist) THIS DRESS MAKES ME...FAT? SANDI: (Lashes out in anger) IT MAKES YOU 'SHOW!' TIFFANY: (Aghast) That's sooooo WRONG! (Jodie sadly looks on at the celebrants & lowers her cornrowed head in self-pity.) JODIE: (Sighs) The 'pressure' is back-even though it NEVER went away. DARIA: (To Jodie) You had a choice, and you opted for the treatment our author has decided to bestow upon you. There is no 'backing out.' You are, and forgive me for opting the usage of the politically incorrect word 'master' to someone of your race, 'the master of your fate' & you are 'the captain of your soul', AND... D. DEBBS: (Lucille is with her & she looks like she is about to be her impish little self because she has her 'weed-pulling' from her garden hands on a rope-like cord. Her 'godmumsie' talks to Jodie by imitating British game show hostess Anne Robinson's voice) You ARE the 'weakest link'...(Lucille pulls with all of her kindergarten might on the hanging & dangling cord. A 'trap door', which is under Jodie's slip-on shoed feet, opens & the 'fan-ficters' all witness Ms.Landon falling & screaming to her impending doom.) 'DARIA' CAST, THE AUTHOR & HER 'SWEET BABOO': (To Jodie with smirks on their faces) GOODBYE! (Jodie is now seen falling & falling & screaming & screaming from what appears to be in the background, something that resembles 'Carlsbad Caverns.') JANE'S VOICE: (Echoes) "Curiouser & curiouser", said 'Alice.' DARIA'S VOICE: (Also echoes; she recites the lyrics from Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship/Starship's 'White Rabbit'-a.k.a. 'Go Ask Alice.') One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small But the pills that 'Mother' gives you Don't do anything at all Go ask Alice When she's 10 feet tall. (Also adds with her own dry, acerbic comment) Don't ask Alice for any help with a GRAMMAR assignment. QUINN'S VOICE: (Questions her 'cousin') You mean that shrink on TV? (Daria is heard giving off a Helen-like exasperated groan that echoes.) TRENT'S VOICE: (Still in the 'echo chamber' phase; he recites the lyrics of 'Don't Come Around Here No More' by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.) Whatever you're looking for Don't come around here no more LUCILLE'S VOICE: (Sings the chorus; her shrill voice echoes) HEY! (Jodie lands on the caked, cracked, hard, dirty ground right on her backside with a LOUD thud. She looks at her surroundings & notices that it resembles Dutch painter Hieronymous Bosch's 'Garden of Earthly Delights', but one of the 'demon lawyers' employed by 'Mr. Burns' on the 'Simpsons'-the one who wears day-glo green horn-rimmed glasses-approaches the unsure Ms. Landon with a summons.) 'DEMON LAWYER': (Miffed look on his face; to Jodie) Tell Ms. Hopkins that, as a representative of Fox Broadcasting & Matt Groening Productions,I order her to put an immediate stop to this idea which she has stolen from 'Bart Gets Hit By A Car'on the 'Simpsons!' (Just then, Brian Taylor-Brittany's cat and mouse tormenting little brother from the 'Lab Brat'& 'Groped By An Angel'-chases 'Fluffy',Sandi's cat, who was mentioned towards the end of the 'Misery Chick' & had her own 'fan-fic' story written last year by 'yurrs troo-lee'-'Fluffy:9 Lives To Live.') (The 'Bri-Imp', as I have elected to call him, has 2 little pointy 'devil's horns'on the temples of his flaxen-haired head & he is wearing the same red pajamas that he wore in the aforementioned story regarding the 'pompous Persian': it has a cartoon devil on the front with the words 'I'M A LITTLE DEVIL' in chunky black capital lettering. A pointy devil's tail is in back of the 'Bri-Imp's' outfit & he has goat's legs & cloven hooves a la the 'Devil Flanders' on the 'Simpsons.') (The 'Bri-Imp' is seen chasing the frightened feline with a pair of scissors. He is laughing & cackling maniacally & has an appropriate 'devilish' look on his face.) ('Fluffy', upon closer inspection & observation from the 'fan-ficters', does not have her right whiskers. She is about to give the visitors of 'Daria's Rubber Room' the reason why:) 'FLUFFY': (Scared shitless; yeows & meows hysterically-Sandi, as in the story about her 'conceited cat', provides 'Fluffy's' 'thought-voice') NOOOOO! I DON'T WANT A 'HITLER' MOUSTACHE! (The 'Devil Daria' & her 'Tune-Up Trent' are now seen enjoying the...shall we say...'pleasures of each other's company': this time, the 'Tune-UpTrent' is sprinkling what appears to be diced cubes of chicken, liver & tuna on the bare midsection of his 'Devil Daria', who reclines & relaxes on her 'Eichler-lounger.' As the 'Tune-Up Trent' engages in the latest 'role-playing' game, the 'Devil Daria' sings the following commercial jingle from my turbulent youth in the 1970's:) 'DEVIL DARIA':('Getting Off' from her 'Tune-up Trent'; she sings in a LOW,sensual & seductive tone o'voice) 'Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow' 'Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow' 'Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow' 'Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow'... 'TUNE-UP TRENT': (Translates for the 'Devil Daria'; sings) I want chicken! I want liver! I want tuna! Please deliver! (A stunned into silence Jodie watches the 'Tune-Up Trent' eat off the naked stomach of his 'Devil Daria', who still croons the 'Meow Mix'jingle from her pouty lips.) 'DEVIL DARIA': (Moans in ecstasy; sings) 'Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow'... (Now the 'Devil Daria' notices the hanged-dogged expression of the 'visiting' Ms. Landon & is not amused nor pleased that her private 'TUNE'-ing session is being watched.) 'DEVIL DARIA': (To Jodie; miffed) Stating my feeling in an appropriate figurative & literal sense due to the fact that what I am about to utter IS deemed to be quite fitting...(Mutters under her breath)...AW, HELL. This 'Hell', however, is NOT your 'Hell', for 'hell' consists of the following 2 forms:'Hell' is other people...(She says this while giving her 'Tune-Up Trent' a 'cat-that-ate-the-canary-bird' look on her face)...AND...(Peeved expression)...'Hell is myself, or to be grammatically correct....(Raises her voice)...'HELL IS YOURSELF!'(Now gives her attention to the 'Tune-Up Trent', who gives his 'Devil Daria' a 'naughty boy' look on his face) I would have to confer with my 'Tune'-up master in regards of your plight...have you any...(Slight pause; the 'Devil Daria' has a 'naughty girl' look on her face)...'SUGGESTIONS?' 'TUNE-UP TRENT': (Leans forward to his 'Devil Daria' & replies in a LOW,'come-hither' tone o' voice) 'PULL MY CHAIN!' (The 'fan-ficters' now notice that the 'Tune-Up Trent' is wearing a VERY skimpy 'Speedo'-like pair of briefs, but the underwear in question is made entirely of thin, silvery chains. With an amorous smile on her lips, the 'Devil Daria' yanks the chains off from her 'Tune-Up Trent.') (Just as Lucille yanked the cord which sent Jodie to the 'Hell' not of her choosing, a screaming Ms. Landon once again falls from the 'Devil Daria' pulling her 'Tune-Up Trent's''chain'...literally.) (This time around, in Jodie's 'hell', we see the 'Lucifer Landons': Andrew is dressed like a pimp-'Huggy Bear' from 'Starsky & Hutch' or the 'Godfather' from the 'WWF'-take your pick-& Michelle, who is totally out of character like her husband is all dolled up to look like a hooker wearing a halter top, a thigh-high mini skirt that BARELY covers her bottom & platform shoes with VERY HIGH heels.) (Both 'Lucifer Landons'have the required devil's horns & tails, but they also have big, towering 'Afro' hairdos & are on a waterbed that is swishing them around. The 'Devil Andrew' smiles at the 'Devil Michelle' as if he is 'Mr.Cool'-he also has in his many ring-fingered a la Sammy Davis Jr. hands a box of brown sugar & proceeds to sprinkle on the chocolate thighs of his 'Devil Michelle.') 'DEVIL ANDREW': (To the 'Devil Michelle'; sings the following lyrics to the classic 'Rolling Stones' song) Brown sugar, how come you taste so good? (Still continues to sprinkle the aforementioned baking product on his 'slutty ho' of a wife & sings) Brown sugar, just like a black girl SHOULD! (Suddenly, Jodie lands right in between her parents on the waterbed. She looks at the both of them with total shock in her eyes.) JODIE: (Freaked out) MOM! DAD! 'DEVIL ANDREW': (Yells at the 'Devil Michelle') WE DIDN'T PALN THIS! 'DEVIL MICHELLE': (Rolls her eyes & mutters) I'm okay with it! -------------------------------------------------------- (The song 'the End' by the 'Doors' plays over the credits. The following 'alter-egos' are shown:) BRIAN TAYLOR & LUCILLE MUSE LANE: Lucille is 'Harry Potter' & Brian is 'Draco Malfoy' playing 'Quidditch.' DARIA & JANE: Daria is 'Gumby' riding on Jane, who is 'Pokey' TRENT & JESSE: Bill & Ted from 'Bill and Ted's Excel- ent Adventure' (Trent has the Keanu Reeves role; I don't know if he's Bill or Ted-I didn't see the film) JODIE: Roller derby girl skating away from Andrew & Michele in terror MACK: California Egg Commission egg with dreadlocks. ANDREW & MICHELLE: Headhunters who have shrunk Jodie's head NICK & MAX: Nick is 'Jay' & Max is 'Silent Bob' from Kevin Smith's 'Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back' HELEN & JAKE: Craig & Arianna (the cheerleaders from 'Saturday Night Live') QUINN: 'Buffy, the Vampire Slayer' (a.k.a. Sarah Mic- helle Geller) FASHION CLUB: Marionettes from the British children's show 'Thunderbirds' -------------------------------------------------------- END OF PROLOGUE-CHAPTER ONE (subtitled 'Living Is A Bunch of Sheep) of 'Wanted: Flowers-Part 3' will be COMING SOON!