(In this, the final installment of this here 'fan-fic' 
author's 2nd (the 'Mighty Quinn Trilogy' being the 
first-DD)three-part story, the visiting 'Rubber 
Room'-ers witness various little vignettes depicting 
eras, although they are stereotypical in nature, they 
do their job of showcasing everything that is, to 
borrow from the title of the white-capped wearing 
'Simpsons' 
interactive figures collecting (anyone seen the 
'Celeb-rity' figures?-DD) & pain tolerating from 'O'l 
Lefty', her one remaining ovary that's giving her a 
BAD CASE of 'P.M.S.', crony of 'Crazy 
Nutso'...living:) 

(The first short scene is one shown in black & white 
& is scratchy, jumpy & grainy: a station wagon that 
has wood paneling on its sides & a luggage rack full 
of suitcases in various sizes and shapes, slowly pulls 
up to the side of an 'Ozzie & harriet' style house 
that has a white picket fence.) 

(A VERY stereotypical 1950's family-'Mom', 'Dad', 
'Junior' 'Sis' & 'Fido'-spelled 
'P-H-Y-D-E-A-U-X'...all get out of the mode of 
vehicular transportation, or, in the words of a 
certain 
bespectiled teen-aged girl of whom webhosts pay homage 
to in various sites...that is, until her show comes 
to an end this summer in the form of another movie 
that will probably suck more than 'Is It Fall 
Yet?'*(*Actually, I thought it was okay-it was a bit 
predictable in some spots-DD)..." a time machine whose 
passengers are 'Trekkies.'" 

(The father has the looks & mannerisms of the 
patriarch from the Warner Bros. cartoon 'Taz-Mania': 
he wears a porkpie hat on his crewcut head & smokes a 
pipe. Oxford shoes, slacks & a white, short-sleeved 
open collared shirt are also worn on his 'authoritan 
figure'persona.) 

> (The denizens of 'Daria's Rubber Room' observes the 
> '50's father' unloading 
> the luggage that is on top of the 'traveling 
> termite's trans- 
> portation.' 'Junior', who resembles any of the male 
> characters from the 
> late, great Charles Monroe Schulz's 'Peanuts' comic 
> strip when it pre- 
> miered in October of 1950, has a 'buzz cut' hairdo 
> ala Drew Carey of the 
> 'Drew Carey Show', a striped T-shirt, shorts, 
> ankle-length socks & ox- 
> ford shoes, aids & assists his 'Pop' with the 
> suitcases & gives a cir- 
> cular one-the kind Jane had in the 'Teachings of Don 
> Jake' when she & Trent 
> had to attend a family reunion representing 
> themselves as the 'black 
> sheep'-to 'Sis.') 
> 
> ('Sis' wears in her hair in Stacy-like braids & the 
> ends are tied with satin 
> ribbons. She has on a white cable-knit sweater, 
> which is unbuttoned & a 
> polka-dotted dress that looks like the one 
> 'Sally'-'Char- 
> lie Brown's' sister of the aforementioned 'Peanuts' 
> comic strip & who 
> has given the moniker 'Sweet Baboo' to that blanket 
> brandishing thumb- 
> sucker, 'Linus'-wears.) 
> 
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
> (We interrupt the introduction to this piece o' 
> 'fan-fiction' for the 
> first ever...'FAN-FANTASY!!!') 
> 
> (The so-called 'pet name' that 'Sally' has given to 
> 'Linus' has now been 
> taken by 'yurrs troo-lee's' protege & 
> ...'participant'...of whom I inflict 
> equal doses of both PLEASURE...AND PAIN!) 
> 
> (The very latest & greatest role-playing 'fantasy' 
> is pouring HOT melted 
> butter on my 'Sweet Baboo', Mitch's RAW, NAKED FLESH 
> & sprinkling garlic 
> powder, thus turning my 'internet best friend' into 
> a human French bread 
> loaf or 'Texas toast.') 

(I, in turn, am a 'walking plate' of homemade 
spaghetti 
dripping from my ample, bare 'Rubenseque' frame.) 

MITCH & D. DEBBS: (Singing th emost well-known song 
from Disney's 'Lady & The Tramp' at the tops of their 
almighty 'fan'-imation of animation lungs) 

Oh, this is the night 
It's A beautiful night 
And we call it 
'Bella Notte!' 

(While the 'otaku' & his 'old'-taku are caterwauling a 
canine's tune, D. Debbs is smearing crushed garlic 
cloves from one of those 'handy-dandy' pressures in 
between & on Mitch's 'hot buttered' toes.) 

(Mitch, meanwhile, is busy occupying himself by suck- 
ing spaghetti strands all covered in a rich, thick, 
hearty, meaty & mushroomed, sliced, spiced & diced 
tomato-ey sauce off D. Debbs' overly...and I DO MEAN 
OVERLY, boys 'n' grrrrls...ample chest.) 

(Hey! I get 'bra burn' underneath my 'girls'-they have 
to get the 'Gold Bond' medicated poder treatment, & 
'bra burns' STING when I'm showering!-DD) 

MITCH & D. DEBBS: (Still continues warbling...& NOT 
doing any or all justice to 'Unca Walt's' song, over- 
dramatic & hammy) 

Look at the skies 
They have stars in their eyes 
On this lovely 'bella notte!' 

(Getting caught up in the spirit of the song, D. 
Debbs, who is anything BUT a 'Lady', & Mitch, who, 
because he hangs with me, is becoming more & more & 
more of a Tramp, act out the 'spaghetti scene': the 
two 'turned-on' toon-a-holics both suck on the same 
strand of spaghett, but instead of accidently bumping 
heads with one another like the 'pedigreed pooch' & 
the 'mangy mutt', D. Debbs & Mitch collide with one 
another & see 'Roger Rabbit'-style spinning stars & 
'tweeting widdle birdies' circle their collective 
heads.) 

MITCH & D. DEBBS: (Out-of-tune...& out-of-touch; re- 
sumes what they both believe to deem it as 'singing') 

Side by side with your loved one 
You'll find enchantment here 
The night will weave its magic spell 
When the one you love is near! 

(Still causing Walter Elias Disney to spin in his 
alledgedly cryogenetically frozen grave by making one 
of his most famous animated scenes a travesty, Mitch 
rolls a meatball up D. Debbs' horribly naked body with 
his nose ala 'Tramp.' The 'fan-ficters' watch with 
either sheer arousal or chronic repulsion over the 
sight of viewing the 'Momma Mia' 1970's 
'Alka-Seltzer'- 
less meatball being rolled up in between the 
pendulous, 
non-gravitational & altogether drooping & sagging 
breasts of D. Debbs.) 

MITCH & D. DEBBS: (Still singing-is there no end to 
the torment & torture the 'fan-ficters' are going 
through?) 

Oh, this is the night 
And the heavens are right 

(The meatball makes its way towards the lewd 'n' crude 
lips of this here 'fan-fic' author, who devours the 
meaty morsel in her mouth.) 

MITCH & D. DEBBS: On this lovely bella notte! 

(While the 'tantalizing twosome' still continues to 
carry on, thus giving each & every 'fan-ficter' a case 
of nausea NOT caused by cystic ovaries, Mitch & D. 
Debbs are unaware...or uncaring...that they are being 
watched & observed by 2 visiting characters from 
another 'Daria' website whose art & stories makes my 
contributions, to directly quote my good friend 
'Napalm' Krigbaum...'look like a Catholic nun'...they 
are the 'Mistress Daria' & 'S&M'-'Song & 
Music'-'Master TTrent' from the notorious XXX-rated 
'Lawndale After Dark.') 

('Mistress Daria' stands on her own 2 combat booted 
feet & observes the 'pasta perverts.' The ONLY article 
of what she deems to be considered as 'clothing' other 
than her trademarked & 'never-goes-anywhere'-without- 
'em' foot apparel is a long, slender blacksnake whip 
which is strategically & diagonally wrapped around the 
'proprietess of porn' to conceal what this here li'l 
o'l fan-fic author refers to Daria's 'private parts' 
as...her 'naughty bits.') 

(The handle of 'Mistress Daria's' chosen garb...&, 
per- 
haps her favorite 'toy' OTHER than the 'S&M Master 
Trent'...rests seductively on the inside of her 
sensual creamy white thigh. The tip of said implement 
of 'domination & discipine' is somehow, probably due 
to the aid of some handy-dandy 'body glue', is adhered 
to the nipple of one of the 'Mistress 
Daria's'...'girls.') 

('S&M Master Trent' resembles the ghost of 'Jacob 
Marley' from Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol': his 
bare body is shackled & strategically covered with 
long, thick, heavy, steel chains.) 

(The 'couple of contortionistic copulation' are still 
playing the part of 'voyeurs' & are both 'getting off' 
& 'gettin gon' by the 'oodles & oodles of parmasan 
sprinkled noodles' antics of D. Debbs & her, to once 
again quote 'Cynic Party' president & 'Daria Force' 
chairperson 'Napalm' Krigbaum, who borrowed the 
following adjective from David Letterman's 'Top Ten' 
list when describing Ricky 'Livin' La Vida Loca' 
Martin 
for one of his 'D: The Talk Show' series-'Man-tastic'- 
Mitch) 

MITCH & D. DEBBS: (The caterwauling continues) 

So take this love of your loved one 
You'll need it about this time 
To keep from falling like a star 
When you make this dizzy climb 

('S&M Master Trent', who, to no one's surprise UNLESS 
they have never, ever visited the 'nasty-wasty' 
website, 'Lawndale After Dark', appears to be...if I 
can put it in an appropriate fashion so as not to 
infuriate any or all Helen Morgendorffer-ish 'tightly 
wound pains in the asses' who 'parents' their children 
'in between conference calls'...waaaaaay behind in his 
work'-figurately & literally.) 

(The 'S&M Master Trent', who stands in the barely bare 
back of his 'Mistress Daria', slowly starts to lower 
one of the long shackled steel chains which are cuffed 
to his wrists. Seeing them at her eye level, the 'Mis- 
tress Daria' lets out a pleased, satified moan & com- 
ments to her 'one-man chain gang.') 

'MISTRESS DARIA': (To the 'S&M Master Trent'; in a 
LOW, 
'come-hither' voice; she remarks) I LOVE the feeling 
of COLD jewelry touching my HOT BODY! (Adds; she lifts 
back her chestnut-colored head o' hair & retorts) It 
makes me all...(Slight pause-she has the 'fan-ficter' 
audience waiting in anticp-SAY IT!-pation)...'TINGLY!' 

'S&m MASTER TRENT": (Reiterates while he begins to 
grope 'Mistress Daria's' so-called 'girls'; he 
sensually rubs his 'frontal section' on the backside 
of the 'purveyor of porn') 'Tingly' like...('Naughty 
boy' 
smile on his face as he rubs his many ring-fingered 
hands all over the 'Mistress Daria's' scantily-clad 
body)...the crack of a WHIP? 

'MISTRESS DARIA': (Smiles in pleasure over the 'S&M 
Master Trent's' 'playful petting'; she begins to 
recite the lyrics to the following song by 'DEVO') 

Now, whip it 
Into shape 
Shape it up 
Get straight 
Go forward 
Move ahead 
Try to detect it 
It's not too late 
To whip it 
Whip it GOOD! 

(At the height of sheer ecstasy, arousal...not to 
mention, the brink of 'climax', 'Mistress Daria' lets 
all of her pent-up fellings out by immediately 
grabbing the handle of the long, slender blacksnake 
whip, which 
unwinds itself from her slightly curved 5 foot 2 inch 
frame & cracks it, narrowly missing the 'S&M Master 
Trent's', to use the terminology of my spaghetti-slurp 
ing co-hort, Mitch...'manhood', which is discreetly 
hid 
den by a series of large dead bolt locks all chained & 
shackled on his lithe, tattooed build.) 

'S&M MASTER TRENT': (Excited by his 'Mistress 
Daria's', 
shall we say, 'lashing'; he responds by letting out a 
LOUD groan & uses one of his steel chains to 
participate in his & the 'Mistress Daria's' enactment 
of Prof. Tom Leher's song 'The Masochism Tango.' The 
'tattooed love boy' begins to recite the lyrics of the 
'Queen of Soul', Aretha Franklin's song, 'Chain of 
Fools.') 

Ch-ch-chain... 

(Th eeither disgusted or interested 'fan-ficters' 
watch the ends of the aforementioned whip & chain 
making contact...&, perhaps some VERY nasty 
gashes/scars...on the unclothed 'Mistress Daria' & her 
'S&M Master Trent', who still serenades...& STINGS.) 

Ch-ch-chain! 
Ch-ch-chay-a-a-a-ayne 
CHAIN OF FOOLS! 

(At the same time of the 2 'Lawndale After Dark' 
residents 'whip & chain reaction'-and to prove to 
anyone or everyone that this here 'fan-fic' author 
didn't get sidetracked by the 'down 'n' dirty duo' at 
that 'wanton website', the 'garlicky guy' who is Mitch 
& his 'spaghettied storyteller', who is moi, are 
oblivios of the 'Mistress Daria' & the 'S&M Master 
Trent' & continue to infringe the copyright law of 
Walt Disney Productions.) 

(If you ask me, the REAL crime is Disney making all 
those 'made-for-video' movie sequels of their classic 
animated flims-Michelle Klein-Haas of 'TOON' magazine 
is RIGHT!-DD) 

MITCH & D. DEBBS: (About to end their butchering of 
the classic song from 'Lady & The Tramp'-'fan-ficters' 
can only take so much misery in their lives-especially 
all the trauma we have to put up with seasons 4 & 5 of 
'Daria!') 

Oh, this is the night 
And the heavens are right 
On this lovely 
'Bella Notte!' 

(All of a sudden, the 'otaku' known as Mitch sees the 
'Mistress Daria' giving a case of 'WHIP'-LASH-so to 
speak-to her 'S&M Master Trent', who 'delivers' his 
very own personal 'CHAIN' letter-& screams ala 'Ned 
Flanders' burying his late wife, Maude's, favorite 
ficus plant out on the 'Flanderosa' estate. D. Debbs, 
however, is unfazed & states at the 'perverted 
perverse pair' as if she were 'Bugs Bunny' approaching 
the over-emotionally flustered 'Daffy Duck', 'Yosemite 
Sam' or 'Elmer Fudd' in a calm, coll & collective 
manner.) 

D. DEBBS: (To the 'Mistress Daria' & her 'S&M Master 
Trent'; she presents to them her outstretched & 
finger- 
spread hand as if she is expecting some form of 
monetary negotiations to be exchanged & speaks in a 
Jesse-like matter-of-fact tone in her voice) PAY OR WE 

DON'T 'PLAY!' (Adds) 'General admission', of 
course...Mitch & I don't do 'matineee prices.' 

MITCH: (Freaking out) DEBBS! 

D. DEBBS: (To Mitch; explains her money-maikng 
actions) HEY! 'Tenchi' money for you...'Simpsons' 
inter 
active figures for ME! (Adds) Those $19.99 playsets 
add up, & I'm NOT talking about CLOSET SPACE! 

(Unexpectedly, the proprietor of this here website, 
'Crazy Nutso', immediately races into the scene & does 
his own 'lashing'-whip not included-at the 2 
'undesirables' who have trespassed his home base: the 
'Mistress Daria' & her 'S&M Master Trent.') 

'CRAZY NUTSO': (Livid; to the 'kinky kouple', a.k.a. 
the 'whip'-persnapper & her 'chain'-reactor) HEY! THIS 
IS 'CRAZY NUTSO'S' RUBBER ROMM', NOT 'CRAZY BUTTSO'S 
RUBBER ROOM!' (Points) MAKE LIKE A MID 1960'S DANCER 
WITH TERMINAL DIARRHEA & GO, GO, GO, GO, GO , GO, 
GO... 

'MISTRESS DARIA': ('Naughty girl' smile on her pouty 
lips; to her 'S&M Master Trent') Hmm. An 'Ex-Lax' 
enema. I'm not one who's into...'gentle' laaxatives. 
My tastes are more 'HARSH' & 'GRITTY!' 

'S&M MASTER TRENT': (Returns his mistress' 'naughty 
girl grin for his trademarked, lopsided & easily 
identifiable persona & reiterates with a suggestive 
proposition) Do you need one of those...(Draws himself 
near the 'Mistress Daria' & uses those rather famous 
or imfamous innuendos often and ALWAYS expected from a 

'D. DEBBS' 'fan-fic')...REAL...(Talks in a LOW, 
sensual voice)...LONG...'spoons' to...(VERY 'bad 
widdle boy' smile on his crooked lips)...'STIR' YOUR 
'GLASS?' 

(In another unexpected move, the actual Daria, the 
Daria we 'fan-ficters' have come to know & love to 
hate but can't, somehow makes her way & appears in the 
interrupted introduction of this long & drawn-out 3 
part story. With her well-known silent reaction & 
expressionless stare, the 'myopic maiden' observes her 
surroundings & does not hesistate to provide the 'Aunt 
Amy'-ish 'color commentary.') 

DARIA: (Dryly remarks to the 'torrid twosome') After 
the proper usage of said utensil, we can open its 
drawer where it & its other ilk are kept in either a 
tidy or cluttered manner so one can entertain one's 
self by partaking a solitary game of 'Hide & Seek' & 
find a mate of equally tarnished silver-ority or one 
of lower-class 'stainless steel' supremacy so that we 
can all complete as contestants in the 'Spoon Man 
Hand-Band Land-Jam' sponsored by former 'Soundgarden' 
frontman, Chris Cornell. (Recites a lyric from the af- 
orementioned Seattle grunge band in her usual, 
alluring, makes 'Napalm' Krigbaum want to kidnap her 
so he can have his own 'private' talk show in the 
confines of his barracks in Florida, monotone voice) 
'Feel the rhythm in your hand.' 'Feel the rhythm 
when you can'-'Spoonman.' 

'MISTRESS DARIA': (Still wears that 'naughty girl' 
smile on her lips; to her'S&M Master Trent') Spoons... 
(Starts getting 'turned on')...forks...KNIVES! 

DARIA: (Absolutely uninterested, remarks while folding 
her arms across her alledgedly non-existant chest) The 
'Avengers' Emma potato 'PEEL'-er, the Oliver North & 
Fawn hall cheese SHREDDER, 'Homer Simpson' bottle 
opener, 'Moe' the bartender corkscrew... 

'S&M MASTER TRENT': (Moans his reaction to Daria's 
'laundry list' of miscellanous utensils) D'OH!!! 

'MISTRESS DARIA': (Grabs her 'S&M Master Trent' by his 
tattoed forearm & leads him a way to probably & 
perhaps the 'Betty Crocker' test kitchens for their 
own 
version of achieving 'box-top bonus points') WOO-HOO! 

(The real-well, 'REAL' in the series one thru three 
sense, that is-Daria watches the 2 'vulgar visitors' 
leave this here 'fan-fic' with her usual 
MTV-contractu- 
ally obligated silent response.) 

DARIA: (To the 'Mistress Daria' & the 'S&M Master 
Trent', who are out of the 'fan-ficters' view; she 
raises her voice) A friendly reminder: love 
responsibly 
& ALWAYS remember to WEAR YOUR RUBBER. (Adds) 'Rubber 
Maid', IN YOUR CASE! 

(Daria now focuses her attention onto D. Debbs, Mitch 
& 'Crazy Nutso', who takes a strand of spaghetti off 
from his #1 'fan-fic' author/artist's head & proceeds 
to suck it into his mouth, but a jealous & possessive 
Mitch, who won't let someone or anyone take away his 
inspiration to write personal 'Dirty Daria' stories to 
'yurrs troo-lee' during the holidays, swats 'Crazy 
Nutso's' hand.) 

DARIA: (To herself) 2 episodes done. 4 to go. Then the 
2nd movie.* (*during the time I was writing this-DD) 
Soon, I shall be free of this...very, very SOON. 

(Suddenly, Daria feels a slight tug on her black 
pleat- 
ed skirt. A 'Mona Lisa' smile grows on her face.) 

DARIA: (Reiterates) 'SKIRT'-ing the issue, Trent? (She 
looks over her shoulder expecting to find her usually 
'somnolent songster', but instead she looks down & is 
surprised to see 'Baby Nutso', the 3-yr-old 
tow-headed toddler of the host of 'Daria's Rubber 
Room.') 

('Baby Nutso' holds up for Daria's 4 eyes to see, a 
large opened jar of 'It's A Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World' 
choclate peanut butter. A butter knife is embedded in 
the center of the said container. 'Baby Nutso' looks 
up at Daria with wide-eyed innocense...&, perhaps, a 
bit of mischief on his face.) 

'BABY NUTSO': (To 'Darr-wee-auk', being 'cute' as 
'cute' as can be-minus the nauseam) LOOOOOO-ZEEEEE- 
ELLLLL? 

MITCH: (Being the overprotective 'god-poppsie' that he 
is; to 'Baby Nutso') EIGHTEEN! 

'BABY NUTSO': (Immediately responds by letting out a 
rushin', ragin' stream of Stacy-like tears; wails) 
NOWWWW! 

(Just then, in another unexpected move that only 
happens in a 'D. Debbs' 'fan-fic', 'Mrs. Nutso'-'Crazy 
Nutso's' 'better half' comes in & angrily whacks this 
here 'fan-fic' author with a thick, black, heavy 
'Crazy Nutso's Gut-Buster Pizza' pan skillet. The 
storyteller of 'lewd, laschivious literature' 'sees' 
before her contact-lensed eyes a series of spinning 
pizza pies.) 

'MRS. NUTSO': (Hysterically bawls; she makes Stacy 
look like a minor water leak that needs to be patched 
up via the index finger of a 'Little Dutch Boy') YOU 
TURNED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE BOY INTO A...(Dramatic 
pause) 
...(Really turns on the 'wa-wa works')...A MAN! (As if 
she is displaying the talent of walking & chewing out 
at the same time, 'Mrs. Nutso' weeps & bonks D. Debbs 
in her cranium in succession. 'Mrs. Nutso' continues 
to 
wail...& whale) JOEY'S A DIRTY OLD MAN JUST LIKE HIS 
'DAD-DEE!' 

'CRAZY NUTSO': (Drops his jowls ala Quinn being all 
aghast; to his 'ol ball 'n' chain') HEY! 

(Daria once again observes all that is, to use her 
words, 'shallow & stupid' in her so-called 'sick, sad 
world' with her patented silent expression & once 
again reiterates) 

DARIA: (Looks down at the watch MTV ANimation 
sometimes has her wear & remarks) 6:55 P.M., 
Wednesday, 
May 30th, 2001. The EXACT time & date the denizens of 
'Daaria's Rubber Room' has officially declared itself 
to be in the state of terminal insanity. (Lets out a 
deep, Helen-like exasperated groan) They can't pin th 
eblame on me this time. No. The finger-pointing- 
usually exhibited by the usage of the 'MIDDLE 
FINGER'-can ONLY be directed by MTV Animation; who has 
given its producer the okay to employ a prep school 
student whose mission is to cancel a 30-minute, 13 
episode cartoon show aimed at the so-called 'youth 
market', after 5 seasons. (Makes her final statement) 
I, Daria 
Morgendorffer, hereby declare at this final conclusion 
of a 3 part story, take no responsibility for the 
actions of the 'fan-ficters' at this particular...or, 
should I correct myself by using the correct word, 
which is 'parculiar'...& (Puts emphasis on the word 
'I') I TAKE ZERO RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS! 

(Just then, the self=professed 'amiga' of one Miss 
Dar- 
ia Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, sticks her bowl-cut hair 
do'ed head so she can make her own wisenheimer state- 
ment before the 'fan-fic' crowd.) 

JANE: (Usual smirk on her ruby red lips; raises her 
low, raspy voice) OR, DOES SHE? 

(Suddenly, Daria unzips her trademarked green jacket & 
carelessly tosses it over her shoulder-the burnt 
orange shirt that is ALWAYS seen on the 'animated 
anti-heroine' is NOT present, but, unfortunately for 
all the male horny 'fan-ficters', Jane, who is shown 
naked from her porcelin-white shoulders up, is 
blocking their view.) 

DARIA & JANE: (Triumphantly shouts) FREEDOM! 

(They begin to streak naked right in the confines of 
this here 'fan-fic' author's story & still shout at 
the tops of their almighty animated lungs.) 

DARIA & JANE: (Raise their fists & still continue to 
streak) GLORIOUS! EUPHORIOUS! FREEDOM! 

('Dos Amigas' are now joined in their 'liberation' by 
the members of 'Mystik Spiral', who are also buck 
naked.) 

MAX: (Yells at the top of his almighty lungs) WE'RE 
'CRIMINALES!' 

(Helen, Jake & Quinn suddenly appear & are taken aback 
by Daria & comapany's shall we say...'bare 
essentials') 

JAKE: (Freaking out) GAHHHH!!! 

HELEN: (Blurts out) DARIA! 

QUINN: (Embarrassed to be seen at this here 'fan-fic' 
author's story; she looks away & buries her 'too cute' 
head with her hands) Oh, dear...it's a good thing I'm 
DEAD 'cuz dead people shouldn't be seeing people run 
around naked ESPECIALLY if the people who are running 
around naked AREN'T pretty AND popular 'cuz ONLY 
pretty 
AND popular people should run around naked (Dreamily) 
ESPECIALLY if the pretty AND people people who are 
run- 
ning around naked are pretty AND popular & running 
around naked on a white sandy beach on the French 
Rivi- 
era, (Now starts to re-think her opinion) but, then, 
again, maybe pretty AND popular people SHOULDN'T be 
seen running arouund naked 'cuz the white sand, even 
though it's warm AND it's sparkly can get all over you 
& you CAN'T get white sand or any kind of sand all 
over you 'cuz if you get white sand or any kind of 
sand all over you, then the white sand or ANY kind of 
sand's gonna be all over you for the rest of your life 
& EVERYONE will think that you're one of those 
homeless 
people who live on the beach & hafta use the beach not 
only to take a bath, but you hafta use the beach as 
your BATHROOM too, & that's (Shakes her head) really, 
really, REALLY BAD! 

(Quinn is about to receive the ultimate shock of her 
life when Stacy sprints in wearing her boring, 
outdated braids...& nothing else. Quinn, naturally, &, 
of course 
since she is contractually required by MTV to do so, 
is all aghast.) 

QUINN: (Horrified; LOUD voice) STA-CY!!! 

(A disgusted & appalled Sandi arrives & looks down at 
the 'Fashion Club' secretary's newfound declaration 
of...let's just say...'baring' her non-suppressive 
soul. The head of the Lawndale High School 'elite 
clique' issues her haughty staement-or, rather, she is 
making sure that Stacy is 'put in her place' in the 
'totem pole' of life.) 

SANDI: (Being her usual 'Little Miss High-&-Mighty' 
self; to Stacy) STA-CY! Going 'au naturak' as if one 
is auditioning in a revival of an outdated & 
prehistoric 
Broadway production of 'Hair', which, in the opinion 
of YOUR 'Fashion Club' president, has very POOR 
fashion practices of marring one's carefully selected 
outfits 
for everyday situations vital to one's lifestyle & 
social standing IN SUN, PERSPIRATION & DIRT, is a 
MAJOR fashion 'don't', & DON'T get me started on the 
hairstyles of that best-forgotten era. 

TIFFANY: (Seen standing beside Sandi so she can assume 
her position as 'Fashion Club' sycophant...er, 
ah...'Co-ordinating Officer'; she speaks to Stacy in 
her slow-as-molasses-in-January hypnotic drawl) 
Limp...(Very tedious pause-now's the time for all you 
'fan-ficters' out there to take a 'potty 
break'-this'll take a while)...FRIZZY...(has her 
famous 'deer-caught-in-the-headlights' gaze on her 
face)...their hair is in their eyes...(Another lenghty 
pause-hope you 'fan-ficters' bought some reading 
material with you while you're doing either '#1' or 
'#2' or both in the can!)...like an OLD...(Arduous 
pause)...Eng-lish....(Remember to FLUSH, 
'fan-ficters'- 
DD)...SHEEPDOG!! (Shakes her head in resignation) 
THAT'S SOOOOO WRONG!!! 

STACY: (Now it is HER time to put the 'pompous 
president' in HER place; she gets the chance to act 
smug; to Sandi) I'm SUCCESSFUL...I have MY OWN fashion 
design company, AND...(Boasts right into a now pouting 
Sandi's face)...I'M HAPPILY MARRIED! (Sandi is now 
shown seething in silence, but Stacy's work has not 
been fully completed. She now directs her attention on 
to Tiffany with a Jane-like smirk on her face) Tell 
Clayton* (*Sandi's womanizing husband from the 'Mighty 
Quinn Trilogy'-DD) I said, "Hi" for me...(Adds the 
final 'nail' in Sandi's 'coffin' just to get back at 
her)...AND SANDI, TOO! 

(Stacy flounces off to join her REAL friends-Daria, 
Jane & the 'Spiral', leaving a still seething Sandi 
silently scowling at a spooked-looking Tiffany.) 

TIFFANY: (Unsure expression on her face; to Sandi) 
Uh...(Long pause)...'Hi?' 

(The subject of this here 3-parter, Jodie, arrives 
with Mack, & has a bewildered look on her face. Mack 
himself does not know what to make of the 'clothesless 
chaos' 
that is presented before him & his 'parent pressured 
peer.') 

JODIE: (Startled; to Mack) I thought this was supposed 
to be MY STORY! 

JANE: (To Jodie & uses her '1950's TV sit-com mom' 
voice) Now, dear, you mustn't fret or make a fuss: we, 
your fellow castmates, are simply helping you fell 
'THE PRESSURE!' (Points out) Why should your parents 
have all the fun? I say we must form a union... 

DARIA: (Uses her 'Gah'-given talent of sarcasm & adds 
to her 'amiga's' statement)...And market it as a tasty 
salad dressing with proceeds going to charity. Any or 
all proceeds NOT going to a worth while cause, by 
order of Principal Angela Li, MUST serve their 
detention time in 'Saturday School' unifying the 
marriage of oil & vinegar. 

JANE; (Pretends to be in hysterics) Those savory 
little 
herbs & spices DESERVE A NAME! 

DARIA: (To Jodie) But, until a cure can be found to 
prevent the accidental splashing of 'Zesty Italian' in 
the bulging eyes of jaundiced network cartoon 
characters who have sold themselves out long before I 
ever did by prostituting their overbite images on 
highly sought after 'interactive' figures seldomly 
seen on the selves of any or all toy or discount 
department chain stores that are either 'TARGETED' or 
whose family from Arkansas sole purpose is to drum out 
the so-called 
'mom & pop' shops out of business, I, Daria 
Morgendorf- 
fer, along with the ensemble cast that is seen before 
you, has come to an agreement as a 'final act' to 
maintain what very LITTLE there is left in our already 
victimized by the 'corporate rape' that is MTV AND 
Glenn Eichler-souls, call forth a makeshift invention 
programmed aimed to relieve the everyday stresses, 
strains...(Now has on a look of absolute 
disgust)...AND 
'CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT'...(Concludes)...pressures that 
is life. 

JODIE: (Hesistant, has a VERY unsure expression on her 
face) Uh...(Slight pause; there is awkwardness on the 
'pressurized' Ms. Landon's part)...couldn't I just 
take 
the 'pressure' a little at a time? (Points out in a 
matter-of-fact manner) Debbs has been slowly killing 
me IN THREE PARTS NOW! 

(The author of this here 'fan-fic' is now shown,. She 
is placing her well-known 'incubator for gray hairs & 
split ends'-a.k.a. her 'little white cap' on top of 
her head, but now she looks as if the spaghetti on her 
scalp is her hair.) 

D. DEBBS: (Grumbles & loudly complains) I DON'T WANNA 
WRITE ANYMORE! (Gritches 'n' groans) I HATE 'DARIA!' 

DARIA: (low, bitter voice) You...& EVERYONE ELSE. 

D. DEBBS: (Hisses at Daria) 'SELL-OUT!' 

DARIA: (Reiterates in her usual monotone voice) 
'Middle-aged, sex-obsessed, hormonally imbalanced 
tweezer-puller of thick, black, stubbly hairs growing 
from the CORNERS OF YOU UPPER LIPS, CHIN & JAWLINE!' 

QUINN & THE 'FASHION CLUB': (Wince & cringe in unison) 
EWW! 

D. DEBBS: (Smirks at the 'fad four' & states the 
following factiod) IT'S YOUR DESTINY! 

(The 'fashion fiends' each react differently: Quinn 
feels her face like she did when Sandi made her 'grape 
comment' in 'Gifted.' Sandi is her usual haughty self 
& has a reaction that says, "ME? HAVE 'FACIAL HAIR?' 
SURELY, YOU JEST!" Stacy, naturally, 'turns on the 
waterworks', & Tiffany, of course, has her patented 
'deer-caught-in-the-headlights' mode of expreesion on 
her Oriental features.) 

(The usual 'devil-may-care' attitude of 'yurrs 
troo-lee' is one of pure sadness. The chaos that nor- 
mally erupts in my 'fan-fics' grows eerily silent-dead 
silent. A tear falls down D. Debbs cheek. She tries to 
hold back her emotions.)