I wrote this a long time ago and decided to bring it back up. So bear with some of the stuff in it and don't take it that seriously. If you do, you're a freak.
Disclaimer: I do not own Daria, but I do own this fan-fic. Take it and die!!!!
WARNING: It is a soap opera. Humorous purposes only.
Daria: The 7th Season
Episode 1
"Phone Calls"
Opening Theme
It Wasn't Me
Sung by. Shaggy
Honey came in and she caught me re-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this we were both butt-naked
Banging on the bathroom floor
How can I forget
That I had given her an extra key
All this time she standing there
She never took her eye off me
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Scene One
The Lane's kitchen
(Quinn and Katie are sitting at the table. Jane is going through the fringe.)
Jane: Did you guys see the bowl of pudding in here?
Quinn: There was pudding in there?
Jane: Yeah! It was for my next piece.
(Katie start to laugh)
Jane: What did you do to it?
Katie: I sent it by mail to some one.
Quinn: I hope you didn't do what I think you did.
Katie: Yes, I did. It will be arriving some time tomorrow.
Quinn: Why do you do this things to your Uncle Tom?
Katie: Because he is the biggest bunghole in the world.
Quinn: KATIE!
(the phone rings)
Katie: I'll get it. (picks up the phone) Hello. Lane's house.
Trent on the other end of the phone: Hey princess.
Katie: DADDY!
Trent: Can I speak to your mother?
Katie: I want to talk to you.
Trent: (laughs and then coughs) I will talk to you later. I need to talk to Quinn.
Katie: Okay. If you promise you call me later.
Trent: I promise.
Katie: Mommy, it's for you.
Quinn: (take the phone from Katie) Hi, Trent. How are things in New York?
Trent: Good. How are you?
Quinn: I'm fine. I went to the doctors yesterday because I wasn't feeling good for awhile.
Trent: And?
Quinn: And I'm pregnant.
Trent: Cool. Got to go. Late for work.
Quinn: How do you know that?
Trent: They gave me a free pager. Got to go, later.
Quinn: Bye.
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Scene Two
Sloane's Living Room
(Daria is sitting on the couch looking over some layouts for the next Fashion Club magazine)
(Tom walks in)
Tom: Hello honey. What do you got there?
Daria: Some layouts for the next magazine.
Tom: I got to go to work. Oh yeah! I'm going to be late tonight.
Daria: Okay. I was going to look over some fan mail, anyway.
Tom: Okay. (kisses Daria) Bye.
Daria: Bye.
(Tom leaves. The phone rings and Daria picks it up.)
Daria: Hello. Sloane's resident.
Upchuck on the other end of the phone: Hello, my feisty lady.
Daria: I told you not to call here. What happens if Tom find out?
Upchuck: He wont. Besides, I like to live dangerously. Grrrr.
Daria: (laughs) Stop it.
Upchuck: I want you to come over and make sweet, sweet love to me.
Daria: Be there in 10 minutes.
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Scene Three
Mr. Barch's Kindergarten Class Room
Mr. Barch: Okay class. Today we are going to learn about the letter N. Can any of you tell me
what starts with the letter N?
(silence)
Mr. Barch: Katie, can you tell me something that starts with letter N?
Katie: Nothing.
Mr. Barch: Katie, can you give me an answer, please?
Katie: Nothing starts with a N.
Mr. Barch: There are plenty of things that starts with in a N.
Katie: You don't understand. Nothing begin with a N. Do I have to spell it out for you? N-o-t-h-i-n-g. Nothing.
Mr. Barch: Oh! Is there problems at home?
Katie: No. There's a problem with school.
Mr. Barch: I think I should call your parents.
Katie: I didn't do anything wrong! I answered your stupid question.
Mr. Barch: We don't use that kind of language here.
Katie: (to herself) This is supposed to be the best grade in school. I hate to see the worst.
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Scene Four
Jane's Room
(Jane's is painting Quinn who is on a chair)
Quinn: How much longer will it take?
Jane: Not much longer.
Quinn: This is worth more than 500 dollars.
Jane: Done.
(Quinn gets up and looks at the picture.)
Quinn: That doesn't look a thing like me.
Jane: It isn't suppose to.
Quinn: Then, why did you make me sit here?
Jane: You set the mood for it.
Quinn: And what does that mean?
Jane: I needed bad aura.
Quinn: I'm leaving, now.
(Quinn leave. Phone brings to ring. Rings 5 times and hangs up.)
Jane: If it was important, they will call one more time.
(Phone rings and Jane puts up)
Jane: You have reach the number of Jane Lane. Press 1 for the artist Jane Lane. Press 2 for wrong number. Press 3 for La Casa Lane. Press 4 for Terra Smith, my alter ego. Press 5 for the voices in my head. Press 6 for Hank, my spilt personalty. Press 7 for Jane Lane, manic depressive. Press 8 for repeat.
Jane's Boyfriend: I want to talk to Terra Smith.
Jane: Terra is not here right now. She is on a date, but you can talk to the voices in my head.
Jane's Boyfriend: The last time I talked to them, I found out that half of them wanted to kill you.
Jane: How about Hank?
Jane's Boyfriend: He always talks about making out with you. I want to talk to Jane Lane.
Jane: Jane Lane is busy right now, if you leave your name and number after the beep, I'm may or may not get back to you. Beep.
Jane's Boyfriend: My dad finally kicked me out and I need a place to crash for awhile.
Jane: And how are you getting here?
Jane's Boyfriend: I can drive.
Jane: In who's and what car?
Jane's Boyfriend: Mine.
Jane: And when did you get a car?
Jane's Boyfriend: I got a week, ago.
Jane: With who's and what money?
Ray: I hijacked it actually, but it sounds new.
Jane: Make sure you charge you phone all the way. I bet you will be need it.
Jane's Boyfriend: How much?
Jane: 50 dollars.
Jane's Boyfriend: Okay. Be there in a hour and make sure you have the money.
Jane: Later.
Jane's Boyfriend: Later.
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Scene Five
Upchuck's bedroom
(Daria and Upchuck are in the bed)
Upchuck: Was that as good for you as it was for me? Grrrr.
Daria: It was best I had for a long time.
Upchuck: But what about last week?
Daria: That was a long time ago. You are the best.
Upchuck: I know, I know.
(The phone rings and Upchuck puts it up. Daria gets up and goes to the bathroom.)
Upchuck: Upchuck's love shack.
Tom on the other end: Hey, Upchuck. We need to talk.
Upchuck: Hello, my favorite client.
Tom: I'm not calling for that. I calling about the business.
(Daria comes out of the bathroom fully dress)
Daria: (whispers in Upchuck ear) Bye.
Upchuck: Bye, my love goddess. Grrrr.
(Daria leaves)
Tom: Who was that?
Upchuck: One of my girls.
Tom: Do you get the shipment, yet?
Upchuck: It came last night while I was making sweet love.
Tom: I didn't need to know that. Anyway, the buyer will be coming over tonight.
Upchuck: Which buyer will this be?
Tom: A new one.
Upchuck: Male or female?
Tom: They didn't say. Got to go.
Upchuck: Bye.
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Scene Six
Lane's Living Room
(Katie is lying on her stomach on the couch with her feet in the air and she is writing something.)
Katie: What rhymes with brain? Ummmm.... (pondering) Train!
(Jane walks in)
Jane: What are you doing?
Katie: Writing.
Jane: What?
Katie: A letter.
Jane: To whom?
Katie: To my favorite uncle.
Jane: Let me see that. (grabs the notebook from Katie) I wish your brain gets run over by a train. Let me guess you are going to send this to Tom?
Katie: Not this one. It is too good for him. I was going to write it on the computer, burn the edges, spit on it, find some dog...
Jane: I get your point.
Katie: Then, it's ready to ship to him.
Jane: Are you sure your parents are Quinn and Trent?
Katie: Positive.
(The doorbell rings and Jane leaves the room and comes back in a minute with her boyfriend.)
Jane: Guess, who is here?
Katie: Some unimportant person that I don't care about.
Jane's Boyfriend: Nobody cares about me anymore.
Jane: That is the truth.
Katie: What is your name, again? Jay, Kay, Pay, Say, Day, Gay, Hay, Lay, Bay, or May.
Ray: Those aren't names and it's Ray.
Katie: Close even.
Jane: Ray's staying with us for awhile.
Katie: Did you ask your parents? If they are coming home tomorrow and if they see a stranger, I wont be responsible of what happens.
Jane: My parents are coming!
Katie: They called weeks ago and there's a note on the fringe.
Jane: There's a note!
Katie: Oh! Yeah. Wind's got divorced again. So, he's coming. Adrain and Courtney decide to take a ride and didn't come back home. Penny needs more supplies which you can only get here. So, I hate to be the bearer of bad new. Everyone is basically coming home, except for daddy.
Jane: NNNNoooo!!!!
(Quinn walks in)
Quinn: I just got off the phone with your teacher.
Katie: Everything he said is a lie. A lie, I tell you, A LIE!
Quinn: So, you're not a good student and smart?
Katie: Oh! I'm all that, but when a teacher calls it means I'm in trouble.
Quinn: Okay, you're in trouble.
(The phone rings)
Katie: I get it.
(Runs it the kitchen and picks up the phone.)
Katie: Hello! Lane's house. Katie speaking.
Trent on the other end: Hey, princess.
Katie: DADDY!
Trent: How are things?
Katie: Fine. Guess what?
Trent: What?
Katie: The weird grandparents are coming.
Trent: Which grandparents are they?
Katie: Your parents and so is Uncle Wind, and Aunt Penny.
Trent: Lucky, I'm not there.
Katie: Why did you call?
Trent: I promised you I will called and I did.
Katie: You're not going to talk to mom?
Trent: No, only you.
Katie: Yeah!
Trent: (laughs and cough) So, what do you what to talk about?
(The camera zoom out to the house and you can hear them still talking, but barely.)
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Staring (In the order they appear)
Katie Some girl we found on the street. It is amazing she can act to.
Quinn Quinn Morgendorffer
Jane Jane Lane
Trent Trent Lane
Daria Jennifer Love-Hewitt
Tom Tom Sloane
Upchuck Charles Ruttherimer III
Mr. Barch Timothy O'Neill
Ray Some dude of the streets
Writer Neo-Queen Terra of Crystal Tokyo
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Sorry but we couldn't get Daria Morgendorffer. She refused to do the bed scenes.