When a group of young women have selected likely prospects for husbands, they approach their makóm-to-be and ask her to arrange a marriage. The makóm and the bakóm of Clan A's Men's House visit the Clan B. They will usually carry out several visits. During these they attempt to learn more of the character of the men as well as ensuring they are gainfully employed. Only after convincing themselves that the men are suitable will they approach the other clan's bakóm. This begins a second round of visits by Clan B's dhakóm to Clan A. They too attempt to gain knowledge of the girls and the makóm as well as to see what kind of houses they live in. If they approve of Clan B, they will finally notify the men.
Both clans now exchange small level feasts at which both sets of prospective spouses are present. Every effort is made to ensure that the men and women spend time with one another. If either group rejects the other after a closer look, that is the end of it. The dhakóm will meet and decide to end the effort. After 3 or 4 feasts (over a period of about 6 weeks), it is expected that the parties will be ready to declare their engagement.
At that time, the dhakóm and the spouses-to-be, visit the local temple. There they consult with a priest who must also approve their union. In practice, he rarely disallows it. On the night of the next new moon, all parties meet on the zańí for a public proclamation of their engagement. A feast, hosted by the men's clan, follows.
Once the engagement has been declared, Clan A begins to build a longhouse for the new family. Although the men from Clan B often help in the construction (excepting the engaged men), only Clan A pays for it and its materials. After building the house, both clans come together to supply household goods. Once a longhouse is complete the date is set for the wedding.
The wedding takes place at dawn on the first day of a new moon. While members of both clans surround the pyramid dedicated to Dtemimpir and chant songs and prayers, the makóm, the grooms and the brides gather at the base, clad only in simple green robes. They cast these aside and ascend the pyramid nude, everyone carries a small bouquet of flowers and incense plants. Each party goes up a seperate side. They enter the topmost chamber where three priests perform the marriage ceremony. As each completes his part, he steps out of the chamber and stands on the platform around it facing the families. When the last priest has exited, they simultaneously walk down and join the clans. This is done to the slow beating of drums. When they have reached the bottom, the music begins to play, dominated by a drone instrument. The newly formed family-band marches down the main entrance to the accompaniment of the music. At the base, they are taken by the hand by members of Clan A to the nearby zańí. They mount it as members of both clans throw flowers and the dhakóm of the Clan A come forward with blue robes. They remove the brides' nipple rings and all spouses have their hair braided. They don the robes and the priests and the dhakóm of both clans, each in their turn, proclaim them to be married.
The assembled crowd cheers and then a riotous feast begins with many special treats only prepared for weddings. That night, the new band retires to their new longhouse. The men will not work outside the household for a full month as all parties settle in to becoming an integrated unit.
Wedding rings have become a fashion among many Nowans and it is not uncommon for spouses and their makóm to wear matching rings. This is rarely done during the public ceremonies and usually takes place at the family's longhouse. Braiding the hair is for both sexes the traditional badge of the married state. Certain styles of braiding are used to indicate the number of children or the rank of the individual. Unmarried women often wear nipple rings but married women remove them as sign of the need to nurse children.
It is not uncommon for a family band to add a spouse after the initial formation of the unit. The initial courtship is similar with visit exchanges by dhakóm but feasting is rare. Typically a prospective spouse is invited to dinners with the family/band or invited along for outings, etc. There is usually no prolonged engagement. The family/band gathers on the zańí along with a priest and announces that as of the next new moon, the person will become a spouse. On that day, the clans gather again around the pyramid. The new spouse is clothed in the traditional green robe which is removed. S/he is escorted up the pyramid by the spouses of the same gender. The married spouses remain clothed in their blue robes. The ceremony is similar and then the new spouse is led down to the zańí where s/he is dressed in a blue robe and the marriage is proclaimed. The family/band has a small feast for immediate family members and the new spouse is officially a part of the family from that date.
Divorce is rare and there is no public ceremony. The spouse leaving the family unbraids his/her hair and moves back in with his/her clan. Men usually move into the Men's House. It is necessary to register with the local government but no other legal requirements exist. Divorced spouses forfeit joint property and children stay with their mothers thus removing some of the most common difficulties in Western divorces.
Dissolution is quite different than divorce and occurs when
all children are grown or have left home. Although the family
will generally endure for a few years, without the tie of
children it begins to drift apart. At some point the members
will decide to dissolve the family/band. Men move into Men's
Houses, women typically are ready to become makóm
in
their own right. There remains a close knit relationship and a
sense of warmth and love and members may reunite for special
occasions but the day to day relationship ends.