Volume
5
Issue # 13
August 28, 2004
"Top Ten Reasons Why I'll Miss Craig Kilborn"
Last night saw the final
taped showing of the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. We laughed,
we cried and we laughed some more these past five years as he enjoyed
his "dream job." Kilborn transformed the dry monotone talk
of Tom Snyder into a hip, young and ultimately much more satisfying
hour of late night entertainment. As the Late Late Show was produced
by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's company, I am inspired to present
to you my top ten list.
Ian McKellan on The Late Late Show
Top Ten Reasons Why I'll Miss Craig Kilborn:
10. In The News.
Some of the jokes work, a lot of them don't. In this way, it's just
like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. But, I find
Kilborn to have a certain panache, a certain je ne sais quoi that makes
his one-liners more appealing and satisfying than a Colin Quinn or Jimmy
Fallon.
9. He's one cocky mofo.
One characteristic that definitively and categorically separates Craig
Kilborn from the rest of his late night crowd is that he exudes confidence.
Conan O'Brien is constantly self-deprecating his pale-skinned, red-haired
lanky Irish self. Letterman is more than aware of his balding head and
tooth gap; he knows he's a goof and he certainly acts the part. Even
Jay Leno isn't so explicitly full of himself. Only Kilborn, well, and
maybe Jimmy Kimmel exude so much confidence, nay, cockiness.
8. Sebastian. The Asexual Icon.
More marginally unsuccessful one-liners. Again, despite its downfalls,
there is something eerily appealing about Sebastian. After all, are
you a man or a woman? To this I answer, yes.
7. Who am I kidding? I'll just watch Conan.
I dont' know about you, but for better or for worse, Conan is just not
the same without Andy Richter. I'm undecided whether I enjoy the show
more or less with or without the sidekick, but I have found myself flipping
between Conan and Craig more often than I have in the past when Richter
was still around. With Craig out of the picture, well, that just made
the decision for me to watch Conan . . . until they decide who's Kilborn's
replacement, but that's another column altogether that's been discussed
ad nauseum since the announcement of Kilborn's departure from late night.
6. The no-look pass to Kevin Garnett.
He did go to Montana State University on a basketball scholarship. The
Bobcats finished fourth in their conference, with our hero Kilborn leading
the league in turnovers. His saving grace? In a pickup game with some
Minnesota Timberwolves during training camp, he executes a beautiful
no look pass to Kevin Garnett. His crowning achievement. On the last
show, Garnett made a brief appearance, telling Craig that he'll always
have a place for him in Minnesota.
5. All he wants to do is dance...dance....dance!
Good god he's a bad dancer. And don't say it's because he's white, because
there are good white dancers...aren't there?
4. Five questions.
I think this is the segment that Kilborn will be best remembered by.
"I'm thinking of a wine. What is it? A wine for Will Ferrell...."
"Burgandy!" Some answers make sense (like the Burgandy thing),
others are completely off the wall and arbitrary, but that's the beauty
of it. It's a fun departure from the dry orthodox interview and for
that, Craig, thank you.
3.
Unlike that guy on NBC, he doesn't have a masturbating bear.
Indeed, Craig never had to resort to any people in animal suits. Conan
overuses banal bathroom humour, which does work but he uses it too much.
Craig, by contrast, is classier, sipping on his scotchie scotchie last
night. This is also a sharp contrast to the dumbass humour that you'd
find on Letterman a mere hour before. Such ongoing gags as "Will
it float?" can only be entertaining for so long....
2. He always has
obscure guests from third-rate shows and movies.
I always find myself asking, "Who's that?" Am I that far out
of the loop that I don't recognize the guy that had one guest appearance
on Scrubs that one time? Kilborn doesn't have the drawing power that
a Letterman or Leno have, so you can't blame him for the guests that
are thrust before him. Make do with what you have.
1. His biggest passion?
Drinking in the afternoon. Sometime around 2-ish.
He, like I, can appreciate a nice glass of scotch. Drinky drinky.
