Volume 2
Issue # 2
April 22, 2002
"Jason's Return"
I had the opportunity this past Friday evening to watch an advance showing of Jason X, to be released nationwide on April 26th. Now, truth be told, I was never much of a Friday the 13th fan, probably because it was somewhat before my time. And so, I wasn't too sure what to expect from this movie, but based on what I expect from the horror genre in general, I entered the Fifth Avenue Cinemas just before midnight to catch the staff screening.
Being a staff screening, there were the obligatory interjections by Steve Dixon, an assistant manager there, throughout the film, but that's beside the point. We did the whole birthdays for the month thing, but no cake in the face for Edward this time around. (Sorry, inside joke)
Well, the basic premise to Jason X is that after our society attempted to execute him innumerable ways (hanging, firing squad and electricution to name a few), all to no avail. And so, it was decreed that he is to be put into a cryogenic sleep. Well, a few hundred years later, he's discovered, unintentionally reanimated and all hell breaks loose.
At least, that's how it's supposed to be. From the get-go, one quickly realizes how incredibly unbelievably predictable the film is going to be. Have you ever had the experience of watching some show and thinking to yourself, "Wouldn't it be so stupid if they were to . . . (fill in the blank)?!" and then they do it? Well, with Jason X, this was true with every corny line, every unnecessary plot twist, every method of failed execution. A great example of this (don't worry about me giving away the plot, you already know how this movie basically goes) is when some forgettable character is killed by Jason and thrown onto a giant screw. (I think you can kind of figure where this is going) Well, he slowly spins his way down (of course, everyone is laughing at this point) and when he is discovered . . . "What happened to Joe Whats-his-name? What's his status?" . . . "He's screwed."
So cheesy. Good thing this is a very short film (about an hour and half ... long by Disney standards I suppose) and it's quick and painless. I suppose it doesn't help any that there are no big-name Hollywood stars in this film, but they do exploit the T&A factor to the nth degree, with every girl in the movie wearing next to nothing, applauded by the likes of Steve. Well, there's a female android who wants an anatomically correct body. The creator attempts to add the nipples, but, darn they fall off and she turns into just another Barbie doll. Later, the same android does a cheap Trinity (of Matrix fame) rip-off to kill Jason. At least that's what we're led to believe.
It's hard to say whether the screenwriters did all of this on purpose, to spoof their own genre, their own franchise, or was it actually meant to be a true piss-in-your pants slasher pic. From what I've heard, Jason X was meant to be the ultimate confrontation of 80s icons Jason Voorhees and Freddy Kreuger. If you recall, in one of the Friday the 13th films, we see Freddy's dagger claws taking off Jason's hockey mask as the scene fades to black. Jason vs. Freddy would have ruled. Well, the excuse is that the producers did not receive a "decent screenplay" for that plot-line. Oh, and a biospace-age upgraded Jason is better. So much better. Yeah, right.
So, what's the verdict? Do you really need to ask? If you're looking a movie that keeps you up at night, afraid of anyone wearing a hockey mask, this is not the film for you. If you're looking for a poorly done version of Scary Movie, if that's even possible, you're still looking in the wrong place. Granted, some action sequences get nice and gory and bloody, but the bad lines and worse acting are much too high a price to pay, especially considering Silvercity's $13.50. Don't waste your money. Save your time for Spiderman, which opens May 3.
4-3 was nice. 5-2 was better. 1-3, not exactly desirable. Still, Big Bert and the redhead twins are going to ride into Hockeytown on Thursday and take the series... then the Cup.
