Send me your problems/questions/concerns about your personal/professional/etc lives, and I will do my best to give you my two cents. I will try to guide you in the right direction. Provided below is the login information for a confidential email address where you can send me your emails. Address your emails to [email protected] I have prizes to give away (videos, posters and more) to the first few people who send me a question/problem to ponder. This is a limited time offer, so do email me soon.
You can use this account:
http://mail.yahoo.com
Username: askmikeanything
Password: password
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August 13, 2002
Dear Mike,
I am having a problem with indecision. I think I have a problem with change.
I don't want to try new things because I am afraid of the unknown. I know
change can be a good thing, but I am always afraid that if I change things
that I won't like it and then I will regret my decision. I want help in
getting over this.
Signed,
Fearful
Dear Fearful,
I have an idea as to how to tackle this obstacle of yours, Fearful, but
because you left out any specifics of your situation, or some remnants
of your background for me to analyze, it is difficult for me to gear my
answer to your specific difficulty with change. With that in mind, I will
try my best to help you, but I will be speaking in generalities.
Your situation reminds me of a section of my learnings in the behaviour disorders class I took this past term. And no, I don't think you have a behaviour disorder. The first thing you have realize is that behaviour is to placed on a continuum and not to be talked about categorically (if at all possible). With your particular problem, I am reminded of the concept of "self-directed perfectionism." To expect perfection of oneself is quite common, and there are two main methods to maintain a perception of oneself as perfect. The first method is what we would normally expect of a perfectionist: to do everything 'perfectly,' or simply to put on an external facade of perfectionism to others. The second method, which I believe you are employing, is to avoid any failures of any kind. After all, if you never fail, that's "perfect" too. Fearful, what you have to understand is that you will never achieve great things and have great successes if you are not willing to risk failure. No one is perfect and no one will ever make the right decision every time. My advice to you is simply to relax. Make your decision and go with it, see it through to the end. There's no sense having a dozen tasks half done, or to never even begin an endeavour for fear of what may come. Just try it. As cliche as it may sound, just do it. After all, the future is not ours to see.
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July 30, 2002
Dear Mike:
I was raised from a young age to be a good Catholic. I attended Catholic school for my entire elementary and high school education, and have been a student at UBC for a year now. My problem is that, after attending Islam Awareness Week at UBC, I'm beginning to question my faith in Christianity. UBC is a very liberal environment, accepting of many different religions, and Islam is starting to appeal to me more than my Catholic upbringing. I'm afraid of my parents' feelings on this matter; I'm scared to talk to them about this. What should I do?
Help,
Questioning my religion
Dear QMR,
I'm reminded of a scene from Menace to Society, where the father
of one of the teens says "If Allah can make him a better man than
Jesus can, then I'm all for it" The first thing you should do is
introspect a bit and consider the possibility that you may be attracted
to Islam for the wrong reasons. Perhaps their ideas are different and
fresh, and you're tired of your Catholic learnings. I'm not a religious
person myself, but I can understand the merits of organized religion.
When I attended a discussion of the world's religions (as represented
by a select group of UBC students), they all agreed that all the religions
are, at the surface, different, yes, but the deeper meaning of most of
them is similar. God, or Allah, or whoever you may worship, loves you.
Your faith is to guide your way of living, but not define it for you.
If you decide that your interest in Islam is not merely a passing whim,
then I believe you should go for it and give it a try, tentatively. Attend
some Islamic "events", and gain some more knowledge and information
before you make your final decision. You're a rational adult and your
parents should respect your decisions. Sit down and talk to them when
you feel ready, but before you convert. Don't do it just to spite them,
or to rebel. It's your life, and if Allah can make you a better person
than Jesus can, then I agree, I'm all for it.
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July 16, 2002
Dear Mike:
I'm glad that you have come up with this advice column. This is rather
difficult and sensitive subject to talk about. I am a 22 year old female
and I have always been crazy about guys. However lately, it seems that
I am starting to be fanatic about my own kind. Pretty much meaning that
I am liking female and have no desire to go after guys anymore. Do you
think this is normal? Do you think I need psychological help? Please give
me a reply as soon as possible as I am desperate to know whether my sudden
change in other people is normal or not.
Sincerely,
Uncomfortable Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Coming from a psychology and social anthropology background, I can understand
where you are coming from. Western society, as it is, raises our children
to be what we would call 'normal.' This would mean that boys will be boys,
girls will be girls, and that boys go after girls (and not boys), and
that girls go after boys (and not girls). I'm not one to judge, so I won't
say what's right and what's wrong, because there is no answer to that.
What I think is happening to you is very common among the college-aged
population. After all, these are considered our years to experiment. Our
society has bred us to be heterosexual, and by your own account, you most
definitely acted heterosexually up until now. What you're feeling now
could mean one of two things. The first possibility is that you still
are a 100 % heterosexual, who is just going through a 'phase.' It is perfectly
normal for heterosexuals to have homosexual, bisexual, etc. fantasies
from time to time, and these phases can last a while or not very long
at all. In other words, your interest in guys would come back. The second
possibility if that you are no longer 100 % heterosexual, and there is
nothing wrong with that. Studies have shown some evidence a biological
link to sexual orientation, which supports contemporary belief that it
is 'hard-wired.' My advice to you, first and foremost, is to try and not
feel so uncomfortable. If you are willing to give it a try, try going
on a date with a girl who particularly interests you. If you are a UBC
student, our campus is very open and accepting. Perhaps take a visit to
Pride UBC in the SUB, and have a talk with some of them. I'm sure many
of them went through exactly what you're going through. It's great that
you can talk about this; talking about your difficulties always helps,
even if it is difficult to do so. Although I don't think you need to seek
professional help, I am here for you if you want someone to talk about
it with. If you would like to chat about this further, please do not hesitate
to send another email.
On a different note, if you would like to claim your 'prize,' for sending in this question, let me know by sending me an email, and I'll see what I can do for you.
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July 11, 2002
Dear Mike:
I just moved out on my own and am really anxious. I like it, but it has
only been 3 days. Reassure me.
Yours sincerely,
Free but freaked out
Dear FBFO:
The feelings you are having right are very common among people moving
out for the first time. Needless to say, the first little while might
be rough, and you may feel a little homesick, but that's perfectly normal.
If you ever feel lonely, or all alone in your new dwelling, you know that
your family and friends are just a phone call away. You can always invite
your friends over for the first few days to help you move in, both physically
and psychologically. Don't worry, you'll do just fine. Pretty soon, you'll
feel right at home in your new home. My advice to you in the meantime
is to have a few things around the new place that remind you of home,
but to also have new things as well so that you're not always thinking
of home. Bring your favourite stuffed animal for your new bed, for example.
Don't worry, you'll do just fine. Pretty soon, you'll feel right at home
in your new home.
Dear Mike:
I am working full time right now and I really enjoy my work or used too.
I think that people are starting to take advantage of my easygoingness.
What do you think I should do. Should I challenge my bosses or should
I look for another job?
Signed,
On salary but unhappy
Dear OSBU:
The average person goes through a number of different positions over a
lifetime, and what you're going through now can be considered a transition
point. Before you make any decisions, you have to stop and weigh the pros
and cons of keeping vs. leaving this job. There was a reason once why
I you liked your work. Try rediscovering that reason. Perhaps it was only
the novelty of it that drew you to the position, and now that everything
has become routine, perhaps the position is not as enjoyable. However,
that can be changed. I wouldn't say "challenge" your bosses,
but set aside a time to have a talk with them. Tell them of your interests
to expand your responsibilities (for example). Mention a particular project
you would like to work on. Many people choose to change jobs purely for
the sake of changing jobs. I disagree with such a mentality; however,
if you still feel the need to move on, I have some practical advice for
you. Do not quit your current job until you find a new one. You can always
rely on your current job as a backup plan, just in case things don't go
so well with the upcoming job search. The second thing you should do (well
really, the first thing you should do) is think about your future. Is
your current job keeping your momentum in neutral? Would a different job
put you in the fastlane to success? What would make you happy? What career
are you aspiring for? After all, a job is just a job, but a career is
something quite different. Perhaps the position you're in right now could
lead to bigger and better things. You have to think outside the box, and
I am positive it will come to you.
