Who Shot Principal Li?

Who Shot Principal Li? Part 1

MONDAY The student body and faculty of Lawndale High was gathered in the auditorium for a surprise assembly. Up on stage were Principal Angela Li and a rather large object covered by a big white sheet. "This is a proud, proud day for Laaaaaawndale High," said Principal Li. "As of today, we are the first high school in the country to have on display..." The crowd gasped and murmured when Principal Li pulled back the white sheet to reveal the contraption beneath it. "... Our very own electric chair! This electric chair is an exact duplicate of the one in Huntsville, Texas, that Karla Faye Tucker was executed in. It will be displayed here as a stern reminder of what awaits all of you, should you cut a class, fail to use a #2 pencil, or otherwise start down the road to a squandered, felonious life." The crowd murmured angrily amongst themselves. Obviously they were not pleased at this new addition to their school. "Dismissed, everyone," said Principal Li. "All students who are not in their classes within the next ten minutes will receive a week's detention." Another example of tough love from the principal. Everyone was used to it. Scary thing was, she wasn't kidding. The crowd dispersed, murmuring amongst themselves. Left looking at the electric chair were Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane and Jodie Landon. "An electric chair. Wow," said Jane. "You know," said Jodie, "I'm not usually the one to be saying this, but this time I really think she's gone too far." "You think?" said Daria, in her usual sarcastic deadpan.

Later that day, Principal Li was in her office when the school's accountant, Tom Griffin, entered. He looked upset. "Tom! Come in, come in!" said the principal. "Good afternoon," said Tom. He noticed something that was not in the office the last time he came in to discuss the school's budget: a giant fireplace. "Like my fireplace? I just had it installed," said Principal Li. "It's very nice Ms. Li," said Tom. "Hey, get a load of this," said the principal, pointing a remote control at the fireplace and pushing a button. The fire flamed up and roared. "It's... impressive," said Tom. Oh brother, he thought. How much did this monstrosity cost her? "Anyway, the reason I came in is because I've been looking over the school's financial report, and I have to say I'm very concerned with what I'm seeing." "Are we in trouble?" said Principal Li, abruptly shutting a drawer full of money. "To put it lightly. You see, during the course of the year you seem to have been investing extensively in security." He wasn't kidding. The school's security procedures included cameras everywhere, a huge staff of security guards who did frequent spot locker checks with dobermans, and metal detectors in every single doorway and hidden in some of the walls. Over 80% of the school's operating budget was spent on security. "Yes, well, just making sure the students stay away from the many things that will lead them down a dangerous path. You know, guns, drugs, condoms..." "The problem, Ms. Li, is that you recently invested in an... electric chair?" said Tom, looking over his report. "My pride and joy," said the principal. "Are you aware that the money you spent on the electric chair has left very little in the school budget?" said Tom. "At the moment, I don't see how you can afford a whole lot of... anything." "Well," said Principal Li. "Time for another mandatory fund raiser, eh?" "Oh, I don't know if that will help much. In your current financial situation I'm afraid the safest bet will be to start cutting back on some things. "Like what?" "How about all those security measures? No offense, Ms. Li, but I do think you're overdoing it just a wee tiny bit." "Are you kidding?" said Principal Li. "Well, what else do you propose?"

TUESDAY The next day, a letter was handed out to everyone at Lawndale High. It addressed a number of changes at the school. The first change was the cancellation of almost all the clubs at the school. Timothy O'Neill was shocked to learn that there would be no more Drama Club. Janet Barch cried bloody murder when she found out there would be no more Women's Self Defense Club. And Stacy Nibblett hyperventilated and almost passed out when she heard about the cancellation of the Fashion Club. Tiffany Woo, Sandra "Sandi" Griffin and Quinn Morgendorffer didn't take it too well either, as they now had to fund their "research" out of their own back pockets, and they knew that their parents' charge cards would only take them so far. On top of that, the absence of that club gave them nothing that the "less popular" students could strive for. They were now on the same level as everybody else. Almost. The second change was the removal of a number of the elective classes, including Art, which put Claire Defoe out of a job. The third change was that there would no longer be a yearbook. This bummed out almost everyone, especially Anthony DeMartino, who ran the yearbook committee. The person who was probably the most upset, though, was Ted DeWitt-Clinton, the yearbook editor, who responded by saying that it... what's that word? Sucks. Lastly, there would no longer be a school bus for sports events, so players and cheerleaders would have to commute to events. This horrified Michael Jordan "Mack" Mackenzie, who knew that he would most likely have to carpool with Kevin Thompson, who would either be doing the nasty with Brittany Taylor in the backseat, or making lame wisecracks and singing Chumbawamba tunes. Overall, the changes put a number of people in a bad mood.

Later that day, Jane and Daria were eating lunch. Jane was really pissed off that there was no longer an art class, as art was the one subject she was good at. Daria, an A student at everything who was involved in no clubs or athletic activities, was more angry at the principal overall. Daria and Jane were joined by Jodie, who didn't seem quite herself. "Jodie! What are you doing here?" said Jane. "Don't you have... oh, that's right!" It suddenly dawned on Jane that Jodie's usual French Club meeting on Tuesdays was no more. "All my clubs have been cancelled," said Jodie. "I have nothing to do." "Hey, welcome to our life," said Daria. "Yeah, join the club," said Jane, covering her mouth after uttering the ironic expression. "I feel weird," said Jodie, in a zombielike trance. "What do you call it when you have nothing to do?" "Umm... Free time?" said Daria. "Free... time," said Jodie, pronouncing the words as if they were foreign to her. "I don't like this free... time. It feels so... empty." "Oh, it's not so bad," said Daria. "Hey, you get more time to watch TV." "TV??" screamed Jodie. "I am looking at a college application filled with blank spaces, and you're talking to me about TV?? What kind of sadistic people are you??" Everyone turned to stare at Jodie. "Calm down, Jodie," said Daria. "Hey, why don't you come over to my house with Jane after school? You'll feel a lot better." "Okay," said Jodie, meekly. After school, Jodie came to Daria's house, where Daria introduced Jodie to her Playstation. "What is this thing?" said Jodie. "It's a video game," said Daria. "You do know what a video game is, right?" "Oh, yeah. My sister Rachel plays these all the time." "Here, play this. It's fun," said Daria. Jodie was introduced to some game where she played an animal with a sharp nose who ran around collecting gems. She didn't quite get into it at first. "Yay, wee, fun," she said, sarcastically. Ten minutes later she was hooked and wouldn't put down the controller. "I think she's gonna be here for a while," said Jane. "Wanna go get some pizza?" "I'm with you," said Daria.

"That's terrible!" said Helen Morgendorffer, at the dinner table that night. "How could Principal Li do that?" "Well, you know the principal," said Daria. "Always trying to run the school like a prison." "I'm going to get Marianne to have a talk with her. This seems like grounds for a whopping lawsuit." "Don't know if it'll help," said Daria. "All the school's money's already spent." Quinn entered the dining room. "Mom, can I have some money to buy this cute jacket that I really want?" "Quinn, didn't I give you money for clothes two days ago?" said her mom. "But Mo-oom, if you had only seen this jacket at Cashman's, you'd understand! Besides, I, uh, need it for research for the Club. "What club?" said Helen. "I thought there is no longer a Fashion Club at the school." "What are you talking about? Of COURSE there's a Fashion Club!" Then Quinn noticed Daria. "Oh my God, you told them, didn't you?" "Should have agreed to my fee," said Daria. "Dad," said Quinn, causing Jake to look up from his paper. "Hmm?" he said. "Can I have some money for a jacket?" "Oh, sure, honey," he said, giving her a wad of cash. "Thanks," Quinn said, and ran off. Jake then noticed Helen glaring at him. "What?" he said, meekly. "Do you listen to ANYTHING we talk about?" said Helen. "Sure, all the time, you know I do!" he said, showing as little fear as possible, then went back to his paper. "Hey, did you know the high school installed an electric chair? Imagine that!" "Give me that!" said Helen, grabbing Jake's paper and crumpling it up. "Aw, man!" said Jake. After that everyone was silent, allowing the video game noises to be heard from above. "Dear, is that Landon girl still up there?" said Helen to Daria.

WEDNESDAY Daria awoke bright and early for school. As she stepped out of bed, she noticed that her Play Station was still on, and Jodie was asleep at the foot of the bed, still holding the controller. "Wake up, Jodie," said Daria, nudging her. "Hmm?" said Jodie. "Time for school." "Oh, but I have only one level to go! Did I at least save my game?" "Don't worry about it, Jodie. Here, you can borrow my Game Boy." "What's a Game Boy?" "It's a portable video game system." "AWESOME!"

The four members of the disbanded Fashion Club stood in front of the electric chair at the entrance to the school, eyeing the monstrosity. "That thing is SO ugly! I'll bet it doesn't even work!" said Quinn. Of course, Quinn could not have said that at a worse time, for at that moment Ms. Li had entered the secret room behind her office to take a peek at what the security cameras were showing. There were over a hundred security cameras mounted throughout the school, and this room was where all the screens were. It was creepier than in the movie "Sliver." Naturally, Quinn was caught on tape. Quinn was promptly summoned to the Principal's office. "So, you doubt the power of the electric chair, eh?" said Principal Li. "Well, I... I was just saying what I thought. I didn't think I'd get in trouble for it." "Saying what you thought? What do you think gives you the right to question spout your... radical rhetoric around campus? I'm trying to run a safe school, and here you go 'saying what you think'? "Geez, I'm sorry, Ms. Li." "You're lucky I'm in a good mood today, Ms. Morgendorffer. However, to set an example to all the other students, I shall have to suspend you for three days." "What??" "You heard me. Dismissed." Quinn stepped out of the office sullenly and was met outside by Joey, Jeffy and Jamie. "What happened, Quinn?" said Joey. "Did you get in trouble?" said Jeffy. "If you want me to hurt her I will," said Jamie. "No, that's all right," said Quinn. "She just suspended me for three days." "WHAT??" they said in unison. "I'm going home. I'll see you guys on Monday," Quinn said, and walked away. Joey, Jeffy and Jamie stood gaping in horror. A whole week without Quinn? It was almost too much to bear. Back in the office, Principal Li sat staring at the flames in her new fireplace. "So, they think the electric chair is just a fake. Well I'll show them. I'll show them all!" She pushed the remote control button, and the flames roared.

THURSDAY The students and faculty were gathered in the auditorium for another surprise assembly, where the electric chair was on display again. Principal Li was up on the stage with it. "There has been some doubt as to whether or not this electric chair is real," she said. "Therefore, I have called you all in here for a live demonstration. Since there were no student volunteers and various laws prevent me from forcing any of the students to participate, Ms. Barch lent me one of her guinea pigs from the lab." "A male one, of course," said Ms. Barch. Ms. Li took the guinea pig out of its cage. "This is Hank. Hank here will be placed in the electric chair, where he will be executed before your eyes." "This is all Quinn's fault," said Sandi. "At least we get out of class," said Tiffany. "Yeah," said Stacy. Sandi glared at them. Hank the guinea pig was strapped into the chair and the metal death cap was placed on his head. Principal Li went over to the switch and put on the black executioner's robe. "Ready, everyone? Say goodbye to Hank!" She pulled the switch.

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