A year ago I lay my head to rest upon the brick walls of a Catholic school around 4AM. It wasn't my first choice of where I would like to be during a time when everyone else is with their families and closest friends. You could look around and all you would see is desolate streets slightly lit by the glow of the street lights. It seemed next to useless having them on when no one else was around. After all, the lights only seemed to keep me awake.
As I was saying, this wasn't where I wanted to be sleeping at this period of time. Everyone else around this time of the year sit back and enjoy the presence of their dearest friends and family members. They all seem so happy. They put every bit of difference between them aside for the week or so and just enjoy each others presence. I, on the other hand, was not given such a luxury to deal with. There was no person sitting next to me talking about how much they enjoyed a certain moment with me, or how they can remember when I was just a young child. To be honnest, I had the very opposite.
My brothers had all gone out to be with their friends. One of them was spending the evening with his girlfriend, the others with their best friends. They were probably all out drinking and having lots of fun. I decided I wanted to stay at home and be with my parents because at the time I had no friends to be with. No one I could even start to call a worthwhile companion to be with on such a day. Well, after my parents finished telling me they were going out to catch a movie at the theatres and later some dinner at a nice restaurant, I blew up at them and stormed out of the house. What was I supposed to do? Sit back and say to them "Jeez, thanks mom and dad. I love having reheated left-overs and spening these nights alone"? It was a fucking crock of shit to me. They knew just as well as I did that no one else wanted to be with me that night and now they were leaving me to spend some quality time alone. It fucking hurt, and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore... so, I left.
So, there I lay that night. My head resting against that wall, huddled up in the fetal position trying to keep winters brisk temperatures from freezing me to death. I had no where else to be, and no one else to be with. I couldn't help but cry. I didn't want to cry, I really didn't. When I stormed out of the house, I held back tears. When I hang up the phone after trying for the last time to find a place to be, I held back my tears as well. But, now that I was alone shivering in the cold, I couldn't help but cry. What else was I supposed to do? Was I just supposed to fucking sit there and sleep easily without anything running through my head? Well, I couldn't do that, I just couldn't. This was too hurtful for me to ignore anymore.
The day before was Christmas day and I felt no better about myself and my situation. I remember crying that day too. I cried because Christmas was a time when apparently a Saviour was born. A man who helped everyone he could, whose father was the person who was supposed to be looking out over everyone. Still, I felt no shelter from him. I had no hand on my back to show I wasn't alone. It was a day when families get together and give each other presents to show their affection. Friends gave other friends presents to show their gratitude of them being so nice to them always. Still, I received no presents. Nothing, not a thing. Just like the last day of school before the break where everyone is all festive and happy. They all exchange gifts with one another. Just once I would have liked to have a friend who cared enough about me to even say thanks for being their friend. I was given no presents ever and never had anyone say they cared about me. It was fucking bullshit. I would just sit by myself at my locker hoping everyone else around me would just go away.
Well, now, exactly a year later, nothing has changed. The times inbetween gave me new experiences and were different than the day I went to sleep outside. However, here I was again. The same day, roughly the same time. I wasn't in the same spot mind you. This time I was wandering around trying to find a more comfortable spot to sleep outside. I remembered the year before I got no sleep because it was too bright and cold because of the open field next to the school where the wind blew fiercely. If life was going to continue to throw me the same old shit every year and I was going to have to accept not being cared for, well, at least I could have the sense to learn from it each year. You know, to make things a bit easier for myself. I pray you don't share the same holiday season as I do.
The End
