Several of the slogans are not yet available. But don't worry. Eventually, I'll get around to it.
Life's strange. You've got to keep up.
Toilet paper makes a poor bungee cord.
In space, no one can hear you scream for ice cream.
Gooseberries taste nothing like goose. Go figure.
Oh, the fun you can have with a common flamethrower!
Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man miss a lot of quality late-night TV programming.
I scream, you scream, we all scream because we're being attacked by a psycho with a chainsaw.
Don't hand out advertisements for flower shops. Only you can prevent florist fliers.
I defy you to think of a practical reason why socks should match each other.
Give 111%. The competition never sees it coming.
If you outlaw laws, then only outlaws will have laws.
When life is good, live for now. When life is hard, live for later.
Yesterday is two-day-old tomorrow.
I talk to myself, but I'll only speak when spoken to.
Math is hard. Let's just guess from now on.
YES! That outfit DOES make you look fat! That's right, I said it!
It takes an idiot to raise a village.
Member of the Pagan Mafia. Craft of the Wiseguy.
I'd really rather not be here right now.
Sane people scare me. At least with crazy people, you know what's crazy about them.
If you want to know the purpose for all of creation, look no further than a chocolate-chip cookie.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of puppets? The shadow puppet knows.
I can walk on water. Just not in the summertime.
People haven't gotten dumber. We just weren't asking those people questions before.
867. Taking the rate of acceleration into account, pennies from heavan would kill people upon impact.
868. I can see through solid objects. Windows look pretty solid.
If I have a choice, I'd rather not be stabbed today.
872. I started eating only organic foods. The metallic foods kept breaking my teeth.
873. I howl at the moon. Someone's got to.
A very stale doughnut is a holy relic.
Life: It's all about the ice cream.
885. I was struck by lightning. When the lamp started lightening up the room, I was struck by the mess I saw around me.
886. My inner thoughts have an echo just like in the movies, and it's really annoying.
887. T'is the season for excessive firepower.
889. You can't shove your elbows in your nose. And even if you can, you probably shouldn't.
893. I said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Then I got my ass kicked by a masochist.
896. Glue smells like happy.
897. Where there's a way, there's an idiot with the will.
899. As far as I'm concerned, it never stopped being hammertime.
903. If you can tap dance wearing snowshoes, I'll be really impressed.
904. Everything makes sense to somebody.
905. If you're dumb enough to believe in a placebo, it works. So who's the dummy?
906. If you can't see anything obscene about something, you're not using your imagination.
908. Goldfish have a memory of only a few seconds, which is still better than the average voter.
918. Bananas are magic.
919. If it sounds like a good idea, it has probably been done before. If it sounds like a bad idea, it has probably been done drunk.
920. Logs. Their simplicity is their brilliance.
921. When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into life's eyes, so it'll give you better fruit next time.
922. I won the silver medal for "veging." The gold medal went to an actual vegetable.
923. I believe in Karma. So when I do something which harms others, they probably deserved it.
928. I could be just like everyone else, but first, everyone else has to copy me.
929. It's a good thing people say stupid things to us. Otherwise, when would we truly feel smart?
934. Let a smile be your umbrella insurance coverage.
936. If you haven't solved the Rubik's Cube by now, you never will.
937. You can't use violence to stop violence against other violence, and if you try, I'll kick your ass.
939. Pants are really just a hand towel that you can wear.
940. One of the major faults with cannibalism is that there haven't been a lot of successful recipe books written on the subject.
945. Don't stab me. No, seriously. Don't.
946. Medusa was a real stoner.
947. I don't have enough imagination to picture things as being simple.
948. I'm here. I'm metrosexual. Get used to it.
954. It's a good thing the economy is such a mess. Otherwise millions of people would have to admit that they caused themselves to be broke.
955. I am immortal... so far.
956. Deciding who to vote for is a lot like deciding which foot you want the person in front of you to use to kick you in the balls.
960. Your name should have been Philip, because I love to screw with your head.
962. I find that more often, believing is seeing.
964. Now tell me how much my vote counts without laughing.
971. A sudden global plunge into anarchy can liven up even the dullest party.
972. Just a spoonful of opium helps the arsenic go down.
974. I'm too young to have joints that make this much noise.
978. Some days, my brain feels like it's dragging sandbags. Other days it's more like lead weights.
979. When life gives you lemons, sue the car dealership.
980. Don't make mountains out of molehills. The moles really hate that.
984. People are dumb.
992. I can walk through walls. Usually, I walk through the part with the knob and hinges.
993. I remember the world being a much simpler place back when I was too young to know anything about it.
995. Pick-up lines are like terrorist combat tactics. You may be losing, but at least you're losing creatively.
996. Cyanide tablets aren't just for breakfast anymore.
997. I may not have any of the answers, but I'm damn good at faking it.
I am not a man/woman. I'm an extremely low-power god/goddess.
1004. Every time a child says he doesn't believe in ferries, a lot of commuters drown.
1008. I'm never too lazy to do something that can be done sitting down... Okay, maybe sometimes.
1009. Gods eat ambrosia. Mortals eat chocolate. We win.
1010. Animals seek prey and fear predators. Humans seek pay and fear creditors.
1013. She told me that she wanted what I had in my pants and hoped it was a big one. I thought that was a pretty blatant way to ask for my wallet.
1017. I live on a planet named after dirt, located in a galaxy named after a candy bar.
1019. My bologna and I are not on a first-name basis.
1021. Life is like improv comedy. You get a bunch of crap you can't use for anything, think of something to do with it anyway, have a few laughs, and earn rewards that don't really matter.
1024. If you want to shock people for a day, be vulgar. If you want to shock people for the rest of your life, be honest.
1026. I've been busy, okay?
1028. My genius is my simplicity.
1029. Size doesn't matter. If it did, I'd use it as an excuse.
1030. I'm a space alien... from a space alien's point of view.
1032. Attention pornographers! Less quantity, more quality!
1036. Bugs are evolution's leftovers.
1039. I'm awesome! So are you, in your own way.
1040. Every dog has his day. Just think, that's the equivalent of seven human days.
1044. I'll bet you a million dollars that you're not about to give me two million dollars.
1047. I'm convinced that the sound of a passing ice cream truck on a hot day can coerce the dead out of their graves.
1048. Easy come, easy go. Hard come, even easier go.
1054. Gravy is a gift from the gods.
1058. I look good.
1061. When my ears ring, it means that someone has been talking about me very very loudly right next to my head.
1063. I have a memory like that of a computer. It records everything with perfect accuracy, and then misplaces the file.
1065. Studio Fifty-One: It's where aliens party all night long.
1070. I'm feelin' like Mister Lucky today...
1073. Never turn down a free anything.
1075. Everything tastes better when it's free.
1078. Leave me alone. I'm sleepy.
1079. After I die, I'm plan to do some serious haunting.
1080. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then what's the road to heaven paved with? Bad intentions?
1088. The filter between my brain and my mouth never worked properly, so I just got rid of it.
1089. I used to try to be different. Now I do it without trying.
1090. Beneath my weird offbeat exterior lies an even weirder person... and under that is a normal person... and under that is a totally insane bizarre person... and under that is a layer of nougat.
1091. I am not thirty! I am twenty-nine, part two!
1092. I defy you to think of a more transcendent experience than causing chaos.
1095. What exactly is so magical about magic markers?
1096. They laugh at you because you are different. You laugh at them because they are all the same. I laugh at you because you are all different in the same way, while at the same time oblivious to the irony of laughing at people for laughing at people.
1097. True chaos is funny. Just look at pie fights.
1098. I am the Lizard Duke.
1099. I think that my computer is alive, and it has attention deficit disorder.
1103. There's a secret organization with a mission to murder all paranoid people.
1105. Life is like a dog with fleas. Every so often, it turns around and bites itself in the ass.
1107. I would never shoot an elk. It takes all the fun out of the lodge meeting.
1110. I don't believe that I have ever written a word that I was confident that I spelled right.
1111. Reality is nothing.
1112. Your proctologist knows that you SO did not fall on it.
Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't.
1114. This year, I resolve to make an ass of myself. I mean a bigger one.
1115. Less of this, more of that, and put the other thing on layaway.
1119. Economists are an optimistic breed. They don't see the glass as 99.99% empty. They see it as .01% full.
1121. I stand at the threshold between the last threshold and the next threshold.
1122. If you put a rat and a voter in a cage together with a bowl of food pellets, and the food pellets are electrified, the rat will eventually stop trying to take the pellets.
1123. A well-made sandwich is edible art.
1124. Exactly how else WOULD a cookie crumble?
1128. The ancient Egyptians were little teapots, short and stout.
1130. I'd tell people to be optimistic, but I doubt anyone would listen.
1132. Cookie dough. And just how long did it take for us to figure out not to cook it?
1137. Destruction is the creation of something slightly less structured.
1139. When you look good, you feel good, and when you feel good, you look good. So if you don't look or feel good already, you'll probably never achieve either.
1140. A monotheist is an atheist making an exception.
1143. Life is an inconvenience to itself.
1144. Sing. Dance. Laugh. Love. Seriously, do it, or I'll kill you.
1145. A fool and his money are often reunited by an even bigger fool.
1146. The main difference between nominative case and objective case pronouns is that I don't give a rat's ass about one, and me don't give a rat's ass about the other.
1148. Nothing improves your outlook on life quite like a good bowel movement.
1149. Kiss me. I'm Irish. No, seriously.
1150. Toasted marshmallows are the only food that you can't really get someone else to cook for you.
1151. If you're not sure what day it is, it's probably Tuesday.
1152. Inside every skinny person is a fat person trying to get out and eat.
1153. Infinite stupidity and infinite genius tend to see eye to eye.
1154. The 1980's will live forever.
1155. Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy insurance against unhappiness.
1156. April Fool's Day is not so much a day of impish pranks as it is a day of organized paranoia.
1157. Had enough? I didn't think so.
1158. I see rising gas prices as incentive to teleport.
1161. I hope the Rapture comes soon. We could really use the job openings.
1163. I once went fly-fishing, but I didn't do well. I didn't catch a single fly.
1166. I once went bear-back riding. The bear almost killed me.
1170. Loki led gods in the Wild Snipe Hunt.
1176. I want to be miserable, and I am. So I'm happy.
For the ladies: Go ahead and look! That's what they're here for!
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