TIPS FOR LOOKING SMARTER THAN YOU REALLY ARE

Okay, you're stupid.  You know it.  But that's no reason that anyone else has to know it.  Here are one hundred and fifty tips for looking like a genius even though you're about as far from being a genius as humanly possible.  These are some great tools that you can use for nailing job interviews, winning arguments, impressing your friends, and just getting the respect of being the sort of person that you'd want to ask directions from.
  1. Wear glasses.
  2. Occasionally take your glasses off and hold the ear piece in your mouth.
  3. Wear a shirt with buttons.  Tuck it in.
  4. If it untucks, retuck it, but don't undo your pants in the process.
  5. Make sure the buttons are aligned correctly before leaving the house.
  6. If you choose to wear a sweatshirt, don't choose one with the name of a community college.
  7. Read the cliff notes to famous novels.
  8. Don't say "dude" unless you're trying to calm down a maniac.
  9. Never say anything racist, unless it's about your own race.
  10. Know something about Star Trek.  Don't bring it up unless someone else does.
  11. When people ask what you thought of a movie, tell them the book was better.
  12. If the other guy asks you a question about that book, just pretend that you read it so long ago you don't remember all of it.
  13. Don't follow superstitions, except for the not walking under ladders one.  Because you shouldn't be under a ladder anyway.
  14. If you know anything at all about quantum physics, do NOT bring it up.  It just looks like you're trying too hard.
  15. Use big words.  Then just keep on talking as if you didn't do it on purpose.
  16. Try to avoid shoving anything up your nose.
  17. Don't be Southern.
  18. Men:  Keep your hair short, but not too short.  You don't want to look like a hippie, but you don't want to look like a soldier either.
  19. Women:  Also keep your hair short.  Long hair makes you look younger and inexperienced.  Just make sure it's not a pixie cut.
  20. Keep your shoes clean.
  21. When leaving the men's room, always double-check your fly.
  22. But just in case your forget, own up to it before anyone else notices.
  23. And wash your hands!
  24. Learn to speak Spanish.  If you already speak Spanish, learn to speak English.
  25. Tell people you voted for Ralph Nader.
  26. When people ask you why you voted for Ralph Nader, don't say it's because he supports legalizing marijuana.
  27. Use lots of facial expressions.  By reacting to what's going on around you, people will think you actually understood it.
  28. Read up on the basics of the Watergate incident.  Smart people always seem to know stuff about Watergate.
  29. You might want to try faking a British accent.  (Not Cockney.)
  30. Carry a book or two.  You don't actually have to open them.
  31. Don't let toilet paper stick to your shoe.
  32. If you have a chance to learn to play one instrument, choose the piano.  It's the only instrument that you could start playing without warning just because there's one sitting out.
  33. Never quote from the Bible.
  34. Be vague about your opinions.  Try this phrase:  "Well, it obviously has its benefits, but you can see there are also a lot of problems involved, so essentially, it could go either way."
  35. Earrings good.  Noserings bad.
  36. Talk about how everything's wrong with America, but then say it's still a great country.
  37. Stupid people think they know everything.  Every so often, admit that you don't know the answer.  (Preferably when discussing something complicated, like economics.)
  38. Look contemplative, then say, "Yes, I see your point."
  39. Never say you want to be respected for your mind.  That sets the bar really high, and the next words out of your mouth couldn't possibly get over it.
  40. Only use the "classy" pick-up lines -- you know, the ones about stars in her eyes and summer nights and shit like that.
  41. The dumber a piece of art looks, the more interested you should try to be.
  42. If you try to do your own painting, make sure that none of the numbers are left showing.
  43. Drive slightly over the speed limit.  Use turn signals.
  44. When someone asks a question about American history, just guess Ben Franklin.  That's usually the right answer.
  45. Act like you know what the Teapot Dome Scandal is.  If anyone questions you, don't panic.  No one else knows what it is either.
  46. If you're going into a long speech, use all your smart stuff in the beginning.  That way, by the time you say something dumb, most people have stopped listening.
  47. Memorize the answers to riddles.  Then when someone asks you a riddle, act like you never heard it before, think for a second, then smile and give the correct answer.
  48. Try wearing a dark suit jacket with blue jeans.
  49. Don't mention NASCAR.
  50. Play some music that's at least fifteen or twenty years old.
  51. Use eye contact and have a firm handshake.
  52. If you're a blonde, you need to drop what you're doing and make an emergency trip to the hairdresser to become a brunette!
  53. Don't pick your nose.
  54. Find things "interesting, but terribly overrated."
  55. If the conversation turns to opera, just mention Pavarati.  Everyone loves Pavarati.
  56. Remember, Frankenstein is the name of the scientist, not the monster.  The monster never had a name.
  57. Don't try to outthink the lottery.  I know you think you're seeing a pattern in the numbers, but trust me, there isn't one.
  58. Don't curse until someone else does.
  59. If you're fixing a car, explain to the layman what you're doing.  That way you look like an educator instead of a laborer.
  60. Have seen at least one black and white movie.
  61. Don't steer the conversation toward video games.
  62. But if the topic comes up, don't admit that you know about the cheat codes.
  63. Don't just say "yes."  Mix it up.  Say things like "Absolutely," "I believe so" and "Yes, I'd say that sounds accurate."
  64. Don't just say "no."  Mix it up.  Say things like "I disagree," "Not to my knowledge" and "Hmm, I doubt it."
  65. It's "supposedly," not "supposably."
  66. It's "nuclear," not "nucular."
  67. It's "drawer," not "dwar."
  68. Learn to type with both hands.
  69. Don't scratch yourself in public.  I know it itches.  Get over it.
  70. "Him and me" are not going.  "He and I" are going.
  71. They're not going with "he and I."  They're going with "him and me."
  72. If you get these two mixed up and someone calls you on it, just ask what the significant difference is.  Because there isn't one.
  73. Don't shove your whole fist inside your mouth unless you're absolutely certain that you can get it back out.
  74. Wear a watch.
  75. Don't try to make soft-boiled eggs in the microwave.
  76. If you're bald, just be bald or wear a hat.  Do not get a toupee, and especially to not use that hair-in-a-can crap.
  77. If a woman asks "Does this dress make me look fat?" you immediately answer, "That's impossible."
  78. Remember, it's one space after the comma, and two spaces after the period.
  79. Remember, it's one space after the semicolon, and two spaces after the colon.
  80. For the last time, that Mikey kid did NOT explode from pop rocks and soda.
  81. Watch Jeopardy.
  82. Don't watch televangelists.
  83. Don't consult a phone psychic.
  84. Your computer has spell-check.  Use it.
  85. If your shirt is wet and you decide to dry it by throwing it on the radiator, turn it over every minute or so to keep it from burning.
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  86. If you forget, and it does burn, don't just wear the shirt out anyway.
  87. Don't get sucked into a debate over evolution versus creationism.  If it comes up, dismiss the subject immediately.
  88. Never take a stance on the abortion issue.  Change the subject NOW!
  89. Don't use a dollar sign for an S, or a paragraph mark for a P.  Thi$ ju$t look$ $tu¶id.
  90. When using instant messenger, use the WHOLE WORD.  Do not say things like, "so how r u 2 day im good."
  91. DoN't AlTeRnAtE bEtWeEn UpPeR aNd LoWeRcAsE lEtTeRs.
  92. Get a library card.  You don't have to actually go there, but just keep it in your wallet.
  93. It's "library," not "libary."
  94. It's "foliage," not "foilage."
  95. To "flaunt" is to show off.  To "flout" is to ignore.
  96. "Affect" is a verb.  "Effect" is a noun.
  97. Don't drink cheap beer, and don't drink from the can.  Go with something classy from a bottle or a glass.
  98. If you want to oppose some political action, organize a petition.  Do NOT put on costumes and face paint and hold up signs for the six o'clock news.
  99. Make sure your belt goes through every loop.
  100. If you decide to wear a tie, I recommend one without a cartoon character on it.
  101. Don't talk during the movie.
  102. Don't stick your tongue on a battery.
  103. If you do, don't do it again.
  104. When someone asks you for medical advice OR automotive advice, you say, "Go easy on it for a week, and if it doesn't clear up, you should get it looked at."
  105. If you didn't get the joke, just laugh anyway.  Stop when everyone else does.
  106. Don't pass along chain letters.
  107. It's called a "Newton's Cradle," not "that clacker ball thingy."
  108. Don't rap, especially if you're white.
  109. When company comes over, hide the porn.
  110. Don't say "hump day."
  111. If someone says something stupid to you, don't argue with them.  Do a deadpan, wait one second, then roll your eyes and say, "Anyway..."
  112. When someone is starting off on an insane rhetorical rant about conspiracies or society or religion or politics, just remember this phrase, "Ah, shut the hell up!"
  113. Remember that you're funnier if you don't laugh at your own jokes.  Smirking is okay.  Also consider taking a drink or a puff on a cigar.
  114. If someone catches you in a mistake, look surprised.  Don't act like you're used to screwing up.
  115. Every so often, make fun of yourself.  If you don't, someone else will.
  116. Instead of saying "kindhearted," try saying "altruistic."
  117. Instead of saying "sneaky" or "crooked," try saying "Machiavellian."
  118. Instead of saying "maybe," try saying "possibly," "conceivably" or "theoretically."
  119. Instead of saying "random," try saying "arbitrary."
  120. Try saying, "It employs an intriguing usage of iambic pentameter," as opposed to "Hey, that rhymed."
  121. Use a coaster.
  122. Don't put your feet on the table.  Put them on the desk instead.
  123. Don't drink milk from the carton.
  124. Try to work in the phrase, "as much as humanly possible."
  125. Do your best to hide the carpet stains.
  126. Only take unfamiliar shortcuts when you have no passengers in the car, and you're not expected anywhere.
  127. When you're lost, stop and ask for directions.  I know you don't want to, but do it anyway.
  128. If your wife or girlfriend asks why she has to do all the cleaning up, a good response is, "Because it was your idea."  It won't get you out of trouble, but at least it's clever.
  129. Don't take dating tips from a magazine.
  130. Don't take parenting advice from a book.
  131. Write poetry.
  132. Keep your bathroom clean.
  133. Wear socks.
  134. If you wear socks with sandals, you need to move to Germany immediately.
  135. Don't eat, read or talk on the cell phone while driving.  That shows carelessness.
  136. Do eat, read or talk on the cell phone while walking.  That shows that you've got things to do.
  137. If someone asks if your busy between noon and three on Thursday, pretend to check your schedule before answering.  Don't admit that your whole week is empty.
  138. Don't say you're "unemployed."  Say you're "between jobs."
  139. You're not a "garbage man" or a "sewer worker."  You're a "sanitation engineer."
  140. Here's a handy phrase to use:  "Oh, you'd be surprised."
  141. If a pompous guy really gets in your face about something you don't understand, just start making up words.
  142. Analyze the sociopolitical ramifications of the dynamic between the proletarian community and the overall global corporate agenda with regard to the current state of the economy and how this affects the relationship between government and the Fortune Five Hundred.  Leave your findings inconclusive.
  143. Spell numbers out.  Remember, you don't put "and" after "hundred," and only hyphenate the two-digit numbers.  Example:  One thousand, eight hundred fifty-seven.
  144. Men:  If a guy punches you, ask him to explain himself.  Wait for him to take a second swing before hitting him back.
  145. Women:  If a guy punches you, beat the shit out of him immediately.  Never speak to him again.
  146. Stare up and to the side.  Stroke your chin.
  147. If someone asks about the meaning of life, just give some cop-out answer, like it's all about being good to one another.
  148. Act like you believe in intelligent life on other planets, but don't believe any of the specific stories about them.
  149. Practice in the mirror pretending that you're listening.
  150. When in doubt, shut up.
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