Brightest and Dimmest of Planet Earth

People have often speculated about mankind's eventual first contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence. The biggest question on everyone's mind: What should we include on the tour of Earth? I'm also rather concerned with what NOT to include, you know, the stuff that would just wind up embarrassing us. So, I have taken it upon myself to compile a starter list of things to show the aliens when they get here, and the things we will hiding in the back of the closet until they leave. In other words, here are the brightest and dimmest of planet Earth.


THINGS TO SHOW OFF TO THE ALIENS	THINGS TO HIDE FROM THE ALIENS

#50

Citizens of the Galaxy.

#50

The "do not remove" tag.

#49

Slinky.

#49

Hair-in-a-can.

#48

The Playboy Mansion.

#48

Tax laws.

#47

Levitron.

#47

Electric nosehair trimmer.

#46

Talking parrots.

#46

Sausage ingredients.

#45

Fuzzy dice.

#45

The game of Life.

#44

The Harlem Globetrotters.

#44

Low-flow toilets and shower heads.

#43

Whose Line is it Anyway?

#43

People who write "bitch" in web polls.

#42

The Crocodile Dundee movies.

#42

Chewing gum stuck to the bottom of anything.

#41

Mt. Rushmore.

#41

Deelyboppers with alien heads.

#40

Rubber chickens.

#40

Any body piercings below the waist.

#39

Neapolitan ice cream.

#39

The Libyan flag.

#38

The Taj Mahal.

#38

Rapping white suburbanites.

#37

A1 sauce.

#37

New stand-up comics using old material.

#36

Hairspray.

#36

Video game cheat codes.

#35

Wind-up chattering teeth.

#35

Telemarketers.

#34

The Energizer bunny.

#34

French beer.

#33

Pudding.

#34

Blow-up dolls.

#32

Abbot and Costello.

#32

Snooze buttons.

#31

Bobble head dolls.

#31

Soap operas.

#30

Classic cars.

#30

DJs.

#29

The Friars Club.

#29

Untalented celebrity impersonators.

#28

Monty Python.

#28

Tobacco lobbyists.

#27

The world's largest ball of string.

#27

Anti-tobacco lobbyists.

#26

Monkeys.

#26

Kato Kalin tee shirts.

#25

Godzilla.

#25

Long-distance calling plans.

#24

Lethal Weapon One, Two and Three.

#24

Lethal Weapon Four.

#23

The Golden Globes.

#23

Used car salesmen.

#22

Board games.

#22

People who insist on telling you it's "hump day."

#21

The bending pencil trick.

#21

Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.

#20

The Olympics.

#20

Roadkill.

#19

James Bond movies.

#19

Jackass.

#18

The Pantheon.

#18

The Dell computer guy.

#17

Triumph, the insult comic dog.

#17

The tape eject button on the VCR remote.

#16

The Osbournes.

#16

The Man Show.

#15

Those glass birds that sit on bars and drink water.

#15

The entire electoral process.

#14

The International Space Station.

#14

Instructions on shampoo bottles.

#13

Marijuana.

#13

Ambulances that say "ECNALUBMA" on the front.

#12

Disneyland.

#12

English food.

#11

The Academy Awards.

#11

Alabama.

#10

Beef jerky.

#10

Kids with their jeans halfway down their asses.

Las Vegas.

Some of the more extreme Trekkies.

Newton's cradle.

Any protesters who wear face paint.

Julia Roberts.

John Tesh music.

Coffee.

The United States House of Representatives.

The Superbowl.

Porn with farm animals.

The Statue of Liberty.

XFL.

Pizza.

The "do not eat" packet in the laundry detergent.

The Rolling Stones.

Sporks.

Chocolate.

Jerry Springer.


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