|
PRISONER NUMBER
|
PRISONER NAME
|
CRIME COMMITTED
|
SENTENCED TO:
|
| 24-7-365 |
Repotioria Daily |
Numerous accounts of yelling "God I hate Mondays!"
Asking constantly
"What day is it? Tuesday?" Announcing to everyone
"HUMP-DAY!!"
Spending all of Thursday saying "Just today and tomorrow to go
yet!"
Shouting "T.G.I.F.!" Complaining about how short the weekend was,
how bad the weather was for it, and how much worse it's expected to be
next weekend. |
50 years in a cell with no chalk for counting
the number
of days left in the sentence. |
| REV-13-18 |
Lucifer DeSaad |
Going on about how evil he is and worshiping Satan, when
everyone knows
he wouldn't hurt a fly. Describing gory scenes from horror
movies.
Telling people about ancient myths and legends and getting them
wrong.
Citing video games such as "Final Fantasy" and "Castlevania" as valid
sources
for information. Wishing he were a serial killer, but settling
for
committing lesser crimes such as littering. |
10 years put in with the "real" criminals. |
| 2-4-6-8 |
Junior Endzone |
Wearing his high-school colors twenty years after
graduation.
Trash-talking strangers from other towns. Changing the channel
during
an NFL game to check the local scores. Raising his daughter to be
a cheerleader. |
15 years in detention. |
| 105-F |
Kelvin Fahrenheit |
Saying "At least it's a dry heat." |
Death by incineration. |
| F-001 |
Militia Femme |
Using the word "womyn." Trying to get people to admit
that God
is male, just to disagree with them. Insisting that nobody ever
accused
a male of bitching. Demanding equally exorbitant salaries for
female
athletes shortly after denouncing sports in general. Wanting to
walk
around topless, yet disapproving of wet t-shirt contests. Asking
why they call it "feminine itching." |
5 years of community service at a Middle-Eastern
rape crisis
center. |
| 15-MIN |
Shecky Freud |
Attempting to pass stories of an abusive dysfunctional
childhood as
a stand-up comedy routine without even expressing himself in a humorous
fashion. |
5 years in a red brick cell plus mandatory
counseling. |
| ASP-00 |
Dorky Nomedic |
Diagnosing himself with Asperger's Syndrome. |
Mandatory brain scans plus the revoking of his imaginary
medical licence. |
| 21-C |
Lefty Impracticalo |
Describing his vision for a one-world government.
Speaking in
Esperanto. Contriving increasingly complex social reforms.
Responding to questions about pressing issues with witty insults
directed
at politicians. Attending protests dressed as a robot.
Petitioning
to create laws protecting people's feelings. Quoting bumper
stickers. |
10 years plus the impounding of his electric car. |
| 3-14159 |
Brainy Moronica |
Telling people his I.Q. while introducing himself.
Attempting
to incite a discussion on quantum mechanics with toilet paper on his
shoe.
Discreetly reminding individuals how stupid everyone else is while his
fly is unzipped. Explaining why a thorough knowledge of M-theory
is of greater importance than the ability to make a car payment.
Mocking people with G.E.D.s. |
10 years with a cell-mate who likes to give
swirlies. |
| 6000-RPM |
Brawnie Notahomo |
Talking and laughing excessively loud. Exaggerating
grunts while
lifting heavy objects. Using the words "poon-tang." Driving
a car which is half oversized engine and half oversized stereo.
Telling
people how much he can bench. Telling other guys where they can
get
laid. Bragging about the most drunk he's ever been. |
20 years without hard labor. |
| 666-666 |
Salem O'Pagan |
Explaining that all witches are correctly called
"Wiccans." Calling
The
Wizard of Oz anti-witch propaganda, then changing the subject when
someone mentions Glinda. Talking about the Spanish Inquisition as
though it were still going on. Quoting Alister Crowley.
Reminding
everyone how peaceful humanity was before Christianity.
Reminiscing
about Atlantis. Making fun of the Pope. |
13 consecutive life-sentences over the next
several reincarnations. |
| 101-PHD |
Poindexter Psyches |
Acting smug on documentaries and news reports.
Diagnosing social
cliques as impromptu support groups for social outcasts.
Concluding
that all forms of art and literature from any given time period are an
expression of individuality which would have been suppressed in the
previous
time period. Trying to divide the blame for violent criminals
equally
among everyone but the criminal. Calling all historical events
unique,
and then producing the exact same analysis for every event. |
5 years plus a gag order pertaining to his
analysis of his
sentence. |
| 1-0-1 |
Malcom Oreo |
Calling intelligence tests racist because minorities aren't
as intelligent.
Accusing blacks who use proper grammar of being sell-outs.
Objecting
to the word "chocolate" while approving of the word "mahogany." |
15 years plus mandatory skin-bleaching. |
| 2-3-4 |
Jackie Rejoker |
Turning on lights and saying, "Let's shed some light on the
subject."
Almost bumping into people in hallways and saying, "Shall we
dance?"
Saying "you're welcome" when someone says "tanks" or "Sanka."
Saying
"Bless you" when someone says "a Jew." Saying "Shocking
experience?"
when someone receives a shock. Saying "Sticky situation," when
something
is sticky. Incorporating movie lines into conversation. |
Rimshot at dawn. |
| SUX-1701 |
Lucas Roddenbasher |
Obsessing over anything science fiction or cult-related and
hating
it. Spoiling the endings to movies prior to their release.
Talking incessantly about William Shatner's toupee. Pointing out
special effect errors in the Matrix. Attempting to assassinate
Jar-Jar
Binks. |
30 years making license plates which start with
the letters
"NCC." |
| 00000 |
Pussy Soundbiter |
Regurgitating advice without taking it. Reciting all
the reasons
why her boyfriend is a jerk, and then not dumping him. Using
clever
women's lib catch-phrases, but only when no men are listening.
Wearing
t-shirts that say "bitch" while behaving in a generally wimpy manner. |
20 years in a cell with imaginary bars. |
| J-3-16 |
Jebediah Thumper |
Confirming other people's statements by saying that they're
in the
Bible. Pointing out signs of the Apocalypse in the news.
Basing
conclusions on the specific wording of the vernacular only.
Trying
to re-explain evolution in a way that coincides with the first two
chapters
of Genesis. Having a fish on his car. |
250 years in Purgatory. |
| 0-CAL |
Veega Tofurkison |
Getting consistently angry at the fact that meat is still
considered
food. Describing in gory detail the process of slaughtering
animals
as well as the long list of toxic and disgusting things found in beef,
pork and venison. Eating chicken. |
Life without the possibility of flavor. |
| M-M |
Tupac Vanilla |
Being white; acting black. Being a thugged-out
suburbanite. |
Slavery. |
| 69-69-69 |
Slutty Webcrawler |
Signing up for more than five hundred Yahoo profiles.
Sending
spam e-mails with defective unsubscribe links. Joining too many
interest
groups. Deliberately misspelling words to fool the porn-blocker
software.
Owning multiple web-pages with nothing but links to web-cam networks. |
10 years plus the confiscation of her breast
implants and
hair bleach. |