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Recently, I was able to score an interview
with two of the most influential figures in the history of the
multiverse:
God and Satan. I asked each of them the same thirteen
questions.
Here's what they had to say...
| QUESTION: How would you describe what you do? | GOD'S ANSWER: I watch out for the universe and help out in any way that I can. I basically have the same non-linear authority over the real world as an author would have over a work of fiction. The tricky part is staying within the context of the universe and not "cheating" by altering the laws of physics. |
| SATAN'S ANSWER: I'm not allowed to go into the world and wreck the place, so I try to get other people to do it for me. |
| What's the most rewarding aspect of your job? | Just seeing people enjoying the universe and playing nice together warms my heart. |
| I like it when I get to stick a rusty spike up some guy's ass. The look on his face is priceless. |
| What do you like to do in your spare time? | Well, I don't have a lot of spare time in my line of work, but when I get the chance, I like to go bowling. Oh, and once it a while, I try to create a rock so heavy I can't lift it. It's still a work in progress. |
| I rewrite the tax laws. It helps to take my mind off the monotony of torturing people. Oh, and I also get a kick out of writing song lyrics backwards. |
| You're each known by so many different names. Which is your favorite? | I really don't have one. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I answer just the same to whatever you want to call me. |
| I rarely use one of my own names. Nobody wants to listen to the Devil, so I usually just tell people that I'm Jesus or Allah. You'd be amazed at how people will do whatever I tell them when they think the order is coming from God. |
| What can you tell us about the afterlife? | Our admittance policies are a little less strict than you might think, but we do have our standards. |
| Heaven's overrated. |
| What has been your favorite moment? | That's a tough one, because there are so many. The moments that stand out in my mind are the little things. When somebody smiles to a stranger. When somebody stops to help a stranded motorist. Things like that. I really feel like I've done a good job raising humanity. |
| The Holocaust. I still get a chuckle when I think back on it. |
| What has been your least favorite moment? | September 11th, 2001. |
| September 12th, 2001. |
| What sort of other jobs have you held in the past? | I was originally a lesser Semitic storm deity. |
| I used to work for Enron. |
| What other type of career would you have pursued if not this one? | Probably a social worker or else a full-time parent. I love spending time with my six billion kids. |
| Oh, come on. Everyone knows that I'm a lawyer. |
| What's the first thing people usually say upon meeting you? | "I didn't expect you to look so much like Tommy Chong." |
| "Oh, shit." |
| What is the largest held misconception about you? | People think I'm a Republican. |
| People think I'm a Republican. |
| Who is your favorite musical artist? | Ozzy Osbourne. Not many people know that I'm into metal, but I've always been a fan. |
| John Tesh. I don't really like listening to him. I just get a kick out of watching other people listen to him. |
| Is there anything you'd like to take this opportunity to say to the people of the world? | You're welcome. |
| Guess what. It froze over. |
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