Our CCTV camera operative was off sick today, so when they needed someone to sit in a darkened room on their own, I got the chance to watch telly all day. I don't think the CCTV monitors were designed to pick up Sky Movies, but it's amazing what you can do with a bit of solder. Unfortunately, there wasn't much on to watch; some Ben Stiller farce and something animated from Disney with the charm of a 1970s multi-storey car park. Spotting the tannoy microphone in the corner and the way in which I could point and zoom the in-store cameras any way I liked, a plan hatched. I leant over and pressed the "Speak" button.

"Customer announcement, we would like to remind you that this is a shop. The goods in here are NOT free, so could the little brats over at the Pick'n'Mix please stop stuffing their faces. And if you really have to, at least use the scoops provided so we don't have to have your grubby little mitts all over the sweets. I know they haven't been stock-rotated since 1933, but that's no reason to pollute them with whatever you've been scratching, and I know you have because our CCTV system is very good. That scared you, didn't it, man in the gardening section stealing plant sticks by putting them inside your coat. Our security guard is currently on his way to visit you, and I'm sure he'll find a better place to stick them. It's no use running, he's... yes, you found him. Good. Please try not to scream though, as it might upset other customers. Thankyou."

That having dealt with the sticky-fingered kids whose mother was too busy looking at tacky ornaments to keep control of her offspring and the person who was so desperate he was stealing 20p-worth of wood, I flicked to a different view to see who else was up to no good. A young couple wandering around with a McDonald's bag were liberally distributing wrappers across the floor and shelves while picking up items and putting them down somewhere else. I'm such a patient soul that I waited until they'd done this at least three times before pressing the button. Ding-dong.

"Customer announcement, in the interests of keeping the place tidy and giving us poor staff some time to do useful things rather than clearing up the mess you pigs leave behind you. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if we came into your house, threw all your posessions around and left a half-eaten apple and a couple of drinks cartons on your mantlepiece. No? Well don't make such a tip of the place then. There are bins by both the exit doors, so you really have no excuse not to use them. Strictly you're not supposed to eat in here anyway, so it's your own problem if you've still got half the shop to traverse and you've got an empty McFlurry carton to dispose of. No, the back of the cushions aisle is not the best place to put that. I said, THE BACK OF THE CUSH... fine, put it there if you want, but expect it to mysteriously end up in your pocket by the time you leave the store, along with half a dozen security tags pinned to your underpants. I did warn you..."

A quick radio message to the security guard, and soon the person in question was enveloped in a shrill bleeping as both door alarms simultaneously burst into song. He had it coming, although at this rate Security will run out of rubber gloves by lunchtime.

"Customer announcement, would the woman unfolding the towels please try to fold them back up again and leave them as she found them. If you can't fold them, you shouldn't open them in the first place. Don't even think about putting the one you've messed up back on the shelf and taking a neatly-folded one. Our cashiers are specially trained in towel-unfolding, so if I were you I would pick up all those you've opened and put them in your trolley. There, that was easy wasn't it? On your way to the tills, mind the mothers' meeting which is taking place in the main aisle and completely blocking it. There may be three of you, but it takes special effort to block a whole aisle like that. I see you're practicing for the next Olympics, although I'm not sure Synchronised Trolley Obstruction is one of the events. I'm willing to be proven wrong, though. It might help if you moved a bit so that people could actually get through. I can see Jane from the toiletries section is trying desperately to get her trolley through so she can go for her break, so if you could just let her through? Hello? Deaf and blind old woman who hasn't noticed a 7ft tall trolley in front of you, MOVE! Poor Jane's desperate to get upstairs to the loo - she's been having a lot of bladder problems recently and you wouldn't want her to have an accident on the shopfloor. Thankyou."

I can't think why Jane gave me such a look when she came up. After all the favours I did, getting her through the old biddies' blockade. The ungrateful bitch. I waited until she'd popped to the loo, then spiced up her cuppa with a few laxative tablets. Now who's spreading unfounded rumours?

"Customer announcement, this store will be closing shortly. Please stop what you're messing up and go to the checkouts now. You have 30 seconds before the cashiers drop everything and go to catch their bus. Plus, I shall be turning out the lights in 25 seconds, so you must be out of the shop by then or you'll never leave. That's 20 seconds until closing, could the people trying to get in the front door please learn to read, then look at the large poster detailing that we're closed. This store will be closing in 15 seconds, I strongly advise the lady in the kitchen knife aisle to hurry up or she may find the spring-loaded chopping boards disarmingly efficient. That's 10 seconds until closing. Lady with pram carefully examining every single packet on the shelf: they're all exactly the same. Pick one and go, or leave them and go. Go being the important bit. 5 seconds until closing. I do hope there's nobody in the aisle with boxes all over the floor, or there could be quite a nasty... was that a crash I heard? Ah well. Customer announcement, this store is now closed. Go sodding home - do you think we've not got better things to do than stand around here all day? Now bugger off." *click*

That did the trick.

Strangely enough, I've not been asked to do CCTV since. Was it something I said?