TWAIN

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.

Buy land; they're not making it anymore.

Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.

For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon--laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution--these can laugh at a colossal humbug--push it a little--weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.