MENCKEN

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

A home is not a mere transient shelter: its essence lies in the personalities of the people who live in it.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.

Courtroom: A place where Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot would be equals, with the odds in favor of Judas.

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.

Jury: A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

My guess is that well over 80 percent of the human race goes through life without having a single original thought.

Only a country that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth.

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.