December 2nd, 1999 
Completed @ 1:07am

LoveLife?

I have been dating since I was about 15 or 16. Not a bad age to start, or so I've heard. But in the four years I have been dating, I know as much about girls now, as I did back then. I stand to believe that Love is not lesson that can be taught. 

It just seems to me, that every serious relationship that I have been in, where I like the girl, and she likes me, I fuck it up. And, I am not blaming myself entirely, because I guess the right girl just hasn't come along. It has to come to my attention, that maybe this isn't something that I can fix. Like, maybe I was born without that part of the brain. The part that helps you maintain a relationship or something. It's my "disability" if you will.

For the most part, my relationships start out very well. Kind of decieving though, because I always get tricked into thinking that "Oh, this is going to work out. I am not gonna screw this up". And, oh, what happens? The samething as always...I crush the entire thing. Kind of like Baby Huey now that I think of it.  Baby Huey being the cartoon of that big, fat, duck in a diaper, who crushes and destroys everything he touches. He doesn't mean to. He does it because he can not help it...he means good. Like, I found that I will call too much, or ask to hang out too much. These things I am learning to deal with. What I really need is a coach. Someone to guide me, and keep me inline and from going overboard.

So now your probably all wondering exactly what my problem is. The weird thing though, is that I know my problem. I have a slight case of paranoia. The littlest, most trivial things, make me paranoid. For instance, when I am dating a girl, the littlest things she say drive me crazy.  Like, if she mentions a boy "friend" she is going to hangout with, I go nuts. And I know damn well I shouldn't, but I do. I'm really dumb like that.  I start thinking all sorts of things like "what if she likes thing guy?" and "how come I don't know him?" or "does he have a girlfriend?". I am not sure, but I don't think this is normal. Also, if I am dropping a girl off at home or viceversa, and she doesn't say anything in the area of "I'll call you..." or "Give me a call..." I start wondering. And I know I'm fucked when she says "I'll talk to you later...". That right there, my friend, is the kiss of death.

But, yeah...thats basicly it. I am sorry if I come off sounding like a freak or something. I guess I...well all of us, are yet to meet that one person that really knocks us on our ass. The one person that looks passed our little flaws and imperfections. The one person that makes you say "Why did it take me this long to find you?".