If I Ran a Country…
Loup_garou

I stayed up one night talking to my good friend EPK (the webmaster of www.smartania.com) about all kinds of stuff. Usually the stuff involves lengthy discussions about just how stupid other people are. We are not as cynical as we seem, honestly. Well, we had a chat about what we would do if we could run a country. We even went as far into detail about this country as we could including location, laws, government, etc… I must say, this was probably the best idea in the history of the world! It all started when someone on the Smartania message board posted the most inane legal case. I believe the case involved a business owner suing his CUSTOMERS because they left bad reviews about his business’s suck ass service. The fact that the hideous excuse for a human won the case made a great discussion about the US legal system, or I should say the US in general. Information on this lawsuit can be found here. Read and be disgusted.

Well, this really fired me up. The fact that common sense can be totally ignored by our legal system fills me with certain insecurities about the future of this country and any other country with a democratic government. It’s human nature to lie, cheat, and steal, so this is what I expected from a country already run by idiots. Don’t even get me started on politics! Oh wait, that’s what this “essay” is about! The fact that people can sue for tripping on a sidewalk, spilling coffee on themselves, or having their arms cut off by a lawnmower blade disgusts me. I live in Florida, and doctors are getting scarcer and more expensive because of lawsuits filed against “medical malpractice.” Hello? This is a wake-up call for all of you fucking morons that reside in the US. Stop this insanity!

So how can we fix this problem? We can’t. The only solution that made perfect sense was breaking away from the countries of North America and forming my own country in rural parts of Canada aptly named “Smartania.” Smartania would not be a democracy, only a strange sort of dictatorship. Don’t be so scared of that word, it’s not nearly as bad as it seems. Everyone knows that a government run by the people will only end up in anarchy. The United States is only 227 years old, so give it time. There will be three (3) dictators and seventy-five (75) “pseudo-congress” members underneath them; each one (except the 75) will serve a life term unless expelled by the two other dictators. The three dictators are for Smartania’s checks and balances. There will be one for judicial orders, one for legislative and one for the executive. This is similar to the United States government, only without the pain of dealing with the fucktards of congress. There will be a Bill of Rights and a constitution. The people of Smartania will have absolutely NO say in how the country is run. The only thing the people will do is elect the next dictator to take the place of one that has either died, quit or has been expelled from office.

Smartania will be a relatively small (perhaps a little less than the size of Ontario) country due to the fact that 80% of people will not qualify to live in this glorious country. It will be a part of the UN of course; lest we burn bridges (that and we would like to have nuclear research facilities for a clean source of energy). The country itself will be securely bordered, as in a 20 foot wall with razor wire and an Exit Only gate. This way people can leave, but they can’t get in without permission. The only way to gain permission to live in Smartania is if you score higher than 115 on an IQ test, and you must sing the first verse of the national anthem which will be Gackt’s Kimi no Tame ni Dekiru Koto. Proper English skills are required for entrance. If you are Japanese, you are automatically allowed entrance no questions asked.

The Bill of Rights would include the following: Free speech (This includes NO censorship, with the exception of the clear and present danger clause), FULL freedom of the press (there will be no laws on libel and slander, basically because the people who make racist/sexist comments probably won’t pass the IQ test required to gain entrance to the country), right to privacy, right to a maximum of a 1 year investigation on severe crimes such as murder (there will be NO lawyers or attorneys, the people will be at the mercy of forensic scientists and other highly trained investigators, and the judge. All trials and executions are fully open to the view of the public.), no soldier or law enforcement officer will be able to enter your house without a warrant, and even then, the stay shall be limited to 1 hour, no illegal search and seizures of course because this violates the right to privacy, no double jeopardy of course (you are either guilty or innocent of that one crime), the bill of rights will not be changed.

You are probably thinking that this is similar to the United States’ bill of right. Well, you get a cookie. The differences will be those useless rights that put too much power in the hands of the people. The right to bear arms will not exist. If you want to shoot things, remain in the US. There will be NO guns or ranged ballistic weapons allowed in Smartania (except for military reasons). If you care to duel, please feel free to use a sword/nunchuks/fists/etc… If you two people wish to duel legally, they can do so in the Smartania coliseum. The winner walks away with a hefty prize, the loser, well… We love to watch two idiots try to kill each other, as long as they both agree to it. There will be small claims courts for obvious reasons.

Lawsuits can only be filed at local courthouses depending on severity. Since there are no lawyers, everything will be handled in good judgment by the court officials. If you file a lawsuit against someone who insulted you, or if you slipped and fell, burnt yourself, cut yourself, or any other stupid wastes of time, you will be summoned to appear in court where people will mock you and the media will catch every bit of the action. If you were hurt by a product, ripped off by a company, hurt by another person, or anything else of a certain severity, then your case will be dealt with in the best way possible. Proper judgment and common sense will be used at all times, and reasonable rewards will be given to the plaintiff. With the absence of lawyers and attorneys, trials will be cheaper and faster and no one can benefit from another’s misfortune.

Now, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, laws. These laws I feel are reasonable, and the punishments for committing crimes (barring extreme crimes) are usually less severe and will normally include deportation. There will be no prisons in Smartania. What is the use? We have a simple solution to any criminal activity in Smartania. Murderers will be held for trial, if convicted they are executed. Execution methods are all dependant on the severity of the crime. Murders with the intent to kill are susceptible to death by one of the following: Firing range, guillotine, electric chair, hanging, a cage of horny carnivorous animals, or crucifixion. Most prefer the quickness of the guillotine, but the others are optional for those that want to die creatively. The lions would probably rape the killer before eating him. That’s always a great way to go! For manslaughter (this includes firing into a crowd, or killing someone with no plans to kill ahead of time, hit and runs etc…), depending on what degree the person is convicted of, most of the time it’s lethal injection. It’s quick and painless, like putting a dog to sleep. Accidental killings result in deportation.

For theft, burglaries, robberies and other similar crimes depending on severity usually result in crating the individual and shipping him or her to the US. There will be no food or water in the crates, so let’s hope the postal service doesn’t lag. Armed robberies can result in dismemberment or death; after all, you are not supposed to have guns in Smartania. Cruel and unusual punishment is void, but you can choose your own fate. I like to think of it as one of those books you read where you can determine the outcome of the story. There could even be doors with numbers on them! Creativity is something Smartania takes pride in.

Child abusers and wife beaters are prone to very creative punishment as well! I like to think of it as “Do unto others and they can do the same thing to you… except you will be restrained.” For men that think they can slap around their wives and children, they had better think again. Convictions of domestic violence are handled this way: The person or persons, to which the damage was inflicted upon, shall in fact inflict the damage to the person who inflicted damage onto them. Ok, that was confusing, so let me put it this way: If a man beats his wife, that man is arrested, stripped naked, and held in a bondage cell. Leather restraints, extra large butt plugs and whips are optional. The wife or “life partner” can beat the other person senseless until we feel justice is done. These sentences make great reality shows, and can boost ratings! In fact, these are the only reality shows allowed to be broadcast in Smartania. Now, doesn’t this sound like a great place to reside? Oh, but I’m not finished yet!

Child molesters, rapists, and other sex offenders go into this category. This is probably my favorite part of carrying out the law! Since these people feel the need to unleash their sexual tensions on the unwilling, we have a special punishment for them! First we hold the offender in a windowless cell for 2 days. On the cell walls are diagrams of proper castration methods and pictures of big brawny, well-endowed gay men with tattoos. Each one of the pictures has a profile of the person, and the offender will have to decide which man will have the opportunity to rape him. Well, after the 2 days, the offender is cleaned and restrained. The castration method is simple and quick, none of this chemical castration; I’m talking scalpels and a glass jar. Then the man is thrown into a cell with Bruno and shagged silly until his ass bleeds. Then the offender is crated and shipped to the US. Keep in mind, this also makes a great reality show.

Isn’t Smartania sounding more and more like a great place to live? Small crimes like being a dumbfuck and reckless driving usually result in a warning, then deportation. Crating is at the discretion of the court. DUI’s are handled swiftly, and if you kill someone while under the influence, you just volunteered yourself for crash testing for Saturn vehicles. DUI’s are not tolerated and will result in one way trip to the US in a steel box.

Ok, now that “crime and punishment” has been discussed, let’s venture to other requirements for Smartanian citizens. Everyone will be given a computer and a playstation or x-box depending on preference. Other perks include free unlimited use of high speed T-1 connections to the internet. Everyone will be required to suck the corporate cock of Microsoft, because Macs are useless computers and will be frowned upon if used. Face it, we don’t want to hear complaints about compatibility issues, that and Mac users are usually extremely neurotic. Everyone will be required to drive Hybrid cars manufactured by Japan. Loud vehicles are will not be allowed. What’s the point of having a car that sounds like a drive-by atomic fart? If you want those giant bass speakers as part of your sound system, then you will be required to turn them off after 11:00 PM. Then again, most of the people in Smartania will have the common courtesy most people lack in the US, so I don’t expect this to be that much of a problem.

Drugs such as Marijuana, will be legal. Other drugs can be used at your own risk. If you care to kill yourself early, that is your business. Also, we don’t care about you or what you put into your body. Just remember, health insurance in smartania doesn’t cover drug overdoses, so hospitals can leave you to die. Isn’t life a bitch? Government aids such as welfare will NOT EXIST! PERIOD. It doesn’t matter the circumstances. If you feel the need to have more children than you can support financially, then that’s tough. The government will not support you OR your children. You will then have no choice but to go to the US where they support lazy oversexed morons like yourself. *excuse me for using the second person point of view, but I think that gets the point across better* The condom is nothing new, so use it. The government will not pay for food stamps. We do not care if you starve. Usually this will not be the case considering there will be enough jobs for everyone, and the minimum wage will be set at $7.00 an hour US. Obviously running a country is harder when you figure in the economics, but this is my dream, so fuck off. We would be working closely with Japan anyways. In fact, our borders are always open to those beautiful Japanese!

Every student in high school will be given a chance at a scholarship or government grant for school. Every student will be required to have a 3.0 or higher to graduate and to qualify for scholarships. Parents will be required to discipline their children in order to ensure they grow up as respectable human beings. Bust that butt, blister that backside, or take a paddle to that ass! Failure to bring up a tolerable human being will result in deportation. Instill some sort of respect for other human beings, if not, we have classes that will solve that problem. Everyone will be required to take some sort of karate. Even disabled people can partake in some physical activity that can bring out the best in the people of Smartania. Self respect and respect for others is not an option, but apparently it is a foreign practice for people residing in the US. Respecting people is different from stating your own opinion. Name-calling, sarcasm and debating are qualities that make Smartanians great, so long as they are done with some sort of intelligence. Feel free to use all the profanity your mind can come up with when you are pissed. Use common sense when it comes to respect, and most Smartanians possess this rare ability.

The second language will be Japanese, so it will be a required subject in school. There will never be a shortage of Anime and manga! J-pop will be popular. Gay and lesbian marriages will be legal. This is not a puritan-based country. If you are looking to live in a country based on biblical reference, live in the US. There will be freedom of religion, but if your religion involves going door to door scaring people, there are no laws that state the owner of the house you are visiting cannot let the family rottweiler loose to do with you as it pleases.

And that’s that. This is how I would rule a country. Let’s face it, I’m extremely cynical, and I basically hate most of humanity. This is why I wouldn’t mind having my own country. EPK made a great point when I was chatting with her the other night “…too many rights are what make people run rampantly stupid.” Sadly, it’s true. There are way too many stupid people breeding, and the US is the source of the world’s stupidity. It’s sad, but what the hell. God bless, er I mean, have mercy on America.