• 18/01/05 - 5 things all movie need!•

Kickboxing! Heck yes! A good dash of Van Damme style kickboxing will spice up any & every movie! take for example any Tom Hanks movie in the last decade. Wouldn't seeing Tom Hanks suffer a brutal kickboxing attack make any of his movies much, much better? EH? Yeah, thats right, it would! Like that fuckin movie where hes lost on that island with the volleyball. A suprise round-house kick to Tom Hanks face (preferably in slo-mo) would've made that movie tollerable, but nooooooooooo, it sucked!

A Greasy Euro-Villain - Now villains make good movies. Thy don't even have to be creative to be good either. Just chuck in a stale stereotype and mix with a charismatic actor with a stupid looking face and voila! INSTANT VILLAIN! Now the greasy euro-villain can follow a basic formula......but his henchmen is another matter. You need a basic footsoldier who is just canon fodder, but also some wierd looking people who have odd skills....like nunchuck skills, or computer hacking skills.

Wizardry!!...and not technical wizardry or shit like that but good ol' fashion fireballs erupting from magic wands and pointy hats wizardry! A few flashy looking magic spells onscreen is always a good idea. Its bright and colourful, it looks impressive and automatically wins over anyone who wears pink shirts (cuz they stoopid!)

The Undead! It doesn't matter what kinda undead monster it is! Vampires, Zombies, Ghouls, they're all good! Nothing beats a good horde of zombies lunging at stupid civilians, or a Vampire picking off a group of people one by one. Now can you honestly thing of one movie where the undead wouldn't be a pleasant suprise? Just imagine............its WW2. Private Ryan is stuck in some town somewhere. Vin Diesel is already dead, and hes staying that way! But the Nazis aren't dying!!?? Hitler and his allies are really dabbling in the black arts and wave after wave of the undead are pouring over the allied troop lines! How will they get outta that one? the answer.......who cares! as long as there are some cool gore filled, zombie related attacks! Like right at the end when they make those sticky-mine things, instead of putting em on tanks, they can stick them to zombies and stuff. Man, that'd be awesome.

Bill Murray - Yes, Groundhog day, Ghostbusters, Bill Murray! Now say what you will, but he IS the shit, and if u disagree, your a slimy cur! Seriously, what part couldn't he play? Bill Murray in ANY movie is good. Take 'xXx' for example. Complete piece of shit, u all know in your hearts that it was...but replace Vinny with Bill and suddenly its hilerious. I'd pay to see Bill Murray (preferable in a robe & drinking a glass of quality whisky) while out-snowboarding an avalanche any day.

Best Story EVER!! - Jim 'The Gun' Malloney (Bill Murray) is the friendly and gentle (but deadly) owner and operator of the local kickboxing dojo.....but he has a horrible past, and just caught up to him!! The former leader of Jim's commando squad has gone insane and with his band of misfits, he causes a zombie virus to break out of a nearby chemicals factory which infects his entire town including the kickboxing class! Now, with the help of a travelling sorcerer (Bill Cosby) and the rebellious teenage daughter of a weaponry expert and kung-fu master (Pamella Anderson), they try to defeat the zombie kickboxers before they open up a portal to hell with their magic artifacts! Its a non-stop thrill ride thats fun for the entire family!