Kids??? That's a disturbing little bit of news, isn't it! This is what kids are increasingly wanting to learn about! What have we done to our children, people? I'd rather see my kid fascinated by Charles Manson, myself. Increasingly, children are eager to learn about investing and researching stock trading decisions. Well, find out what part of their brain is interested in this crap and have it surgically removed. You can replace it later, when they're older. But by all means, first let them be children. Even if you have take their financial fascination and labotimize the damn thing, drastic perversions call for drastic corrective measures. Huh? This isn't natural, people. These kids are reacting to the rather twisted money fascination in our society today. Something that takes hold of us all too soon after we leave childhood, but something that should not be there when we're but wee little lads, learning to catch butterflies and skip rocks. That's not when we should be learning and getting interested in investing, that's sick! It's.... What else is wrong with these kids? Give them a physical, for God's sakes.

Authors Pat Smith and Lynn Ronnie are co-founders of "Stock Market Kids", a nationally affiliated parent-child investment club. They bring a personal, maternal touch to the book. Both have spent hours figuring out ways to engage children in the world of finance. In essence, the book is really common knowledge. It's told in an interactive and family-oriented way. There are crossword puzzles, word games, quizzes galore, about such things as the number of stocks in the dow, and events that may increase the price of a stock, and there are ways to create CEO trading cards, which highlight financial icons such as Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, Warren Buffet, a legendary invester, Ted Turner.... These cards list the money mavens' net worth.

So, you can have those for trading cards. Now, when I was a boy, the trading card I wanted had Harmon Killebrew on it. Yeah. Harmon. Now the kids want, well, they want a Warren Buffet card. Yeah. The man doesn't have a glove, even. He doesn't have a...he doesn't have squat. He doesn't have spikes, he's not holdin' a bat, he's not on the green grass of a playing field.... Why, he's in his business suit at a boardroom table looking like a BLOOD SUCKIN' PARASITE! Well, that's a little harsh. Lookin' like an old guy in a suit at a boardroom table. But does he have STATS? Where are his stats? Do you get gum with his card? When you bring the card to school are you able to trade it? Or do kids just beat you up and leave you on the playground with your briefcase and your pocket protectors scattered about and your portfolio RAVAGED?!? Huh?

Kids? Listen up, kids. Money's not the root of all evil. But a fascination with money taking root in childhood is evil. It's abnormal. It's wrong, and it needs to be eradicated if we are to raise healthy kids. C'mon kiddos, you have no bills. Money should be your parents' concern. You worry about catchin' frogs and jumpin' into leaf piles! Or havin' a sodee pop! Let the folks with the bills worry about the money! And know this: If you get too interested in the almighty dollar too early in childhood, you'll be grounded, and/or sent to a re-education camp for indoctrination in the ways of being a child.

For a kid on Wall Street is worse than a kid on Bourbon Street. That's what I say! And Bourbon Street has hookers. That really means...well, you know where I stand with Wall Street. Didn't you ever hear Ma say "Never play in the street"? SHE MEANT WALL STREET! Let me put it in language you can understand, youngsters: Money sucks. There. The pursuit of it consumes lives. The facts are the facts: no one, on looking back from their death bed, ever thought about investments! Nor stock trading! And no happy childhood ever had anything to do with Wall Street investments! You don't play stick ball on Wall Street, kids! You play stick ball on Elm Street. Main Street. Wall Street's for the jaded and the jaundiced and the dubious and the critical and the suspicious and the road weary and the slick and the hard boiled. This doesn't describe childhood. This nonsense will come along soon enough! Keep it at bay as long as you caaaaaaan!

MISCHKE: ***trouble-making giggle*** Hi, Gary.

GARY: Gary. Hey, how's it goin'?

MISCHKE: I'm Tom. How are ya?

GARY: Uh, pretty good. Your producer didn't like it that I refered to you as "What's-his-face". I thought that was kind of consistant with the tone of the show, but apparantly he didn't like that. But....

MISCHKE: Welllllll, you know, he's an individual. He gets to like what he likes, I get to like what I like, and you, Gary, get to like what you like. Ya lucky stiff.

GARY: Uh, that seems pretty fair. Ummm, you seem to have a real anti-capital kind of bent, though. I mean, uh, I realize that you're saying that kids shouldn't take it too far and go out of perspective with it....on the other hand, I've heard several of your rants, here. I remember one not too long ago where you're talking about your eyes glazing over at the mere mention of tax rates or something to that effect....

MISCHKE: ***agreeing emphatically*** Mmmmm-hmmmm!

GARY: One where you did a bit where you were criticizing people for calling in or requesting information about financial stuff, suggesting that they'd be better to think about a good glass of bourbon or a good glass of scotch....

MISCHKE: Sounds like me!

GARY: And, uh, I dunno, I think you've got this strange kind of anti-capital view point, that, uh, I think it's just as far out as the people you're criticizing.

MISCHKE: Well, I think you've got me pegged!

GARY: Yeah. ***akward pause*** And Warren Buffet does have pretty good stats, actually. He owns a big part of that ABC network that, uh, that you guys carry at the top of the hour. So, I'm pretty impressed with his stats, moreso than Derek Jeeder or somebody like that.

MISCHKE. Mmm-hmm.. Whaddya think ol' Warren's gonna think about on his death bed?

GARY: Uh, the fact that he could buy and sell you about 380,000 times over.

MISCHKE: Now you realize, he's not really gonna think about that, 'cause he, he doesn't even know me.

GARY: Well, uh, maybe he can aspire to knowing you.

MISCHKE: Well, I'm serious when I ask the question "Whaddya think he's gonna think about on his deathbed".

GARY: Um, the fact that he made some people, uh, gave them some opportunities, uh, by some of his actions; the fact that he helped bring some people some prosperity.... You know, nobody ever works for poor people. I don't know of any poor people who go around starting companies or managing companies or giving people an opportunity to better themselves, or to give them something to aspire to....

MISCHKE: Well, there's that Jesus fella.

GARY: Yeah.

MISCHKE: Yeah. But other than that, I can't think of anybody.