| 44 FUN THINGS FOR A NON-CHRISTIAN TO DO IN CHURCH |
| 1-PULL ASIDE AN UNRULY CHILD IN A SUNDAY SKOOL CLASS AND SAY "IF U R BAD IN HERE U WILL GO TO HELL" 2-A WEEK BEFORE HAND FIND A MEMBER OF ACT-UP. TELL HIM THE SHEDULED SERMON IS ENTITLED "Y DID GOD SENT AIDS TO PUNISH PPL' 3-PUT STRAY DOGS IN COAT CLOSETS 4-UN-TUNE THE PAINO 5-REPLACE THE ORGANIST SHETT WITH "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN" 6-GO THROUGH ALL THE HYMS AND MARK SONG NO 666 7-FIND AN EMPTY SEAT AND ASK THE PERSON NEXT TO IT;"IS THIS SEAT SAVED" 8-TOSS AROUND A GIANT BEACH BALL DURING SERIVE LIKE AT GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERTS 9-TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE SERVICE GIVE A CHILD $100 ANDTELL HIM TO ASK THE PREACHER IF HE RATHER BE STONED OR CRUCIFIED? 10-HIDE COPIES OF HUSTLER INSIDE THE PULPIT. POINT THEM OUT 11-START A WAVE 12-DO KOOL THINGS WIITH THE LIGHTING 13-WHEN ATTENDANCE IS TAKEN SIGN IN FALSE NAMES LIKE "HUGH G. RECTION" 14-WAER A PENTAGRAM OR A NEW-AGE CRYSTAL 15-WHEN THE CHOIR STARTS TO SING ROLL YOURS EYES ANS START TO GRUMBLE:"OH GOD WHEN R THEY GOIN TO GO TO ANOTHER SONG" 16 MAKE UP TOUR OWN WORDS FOR SONGS 17-TWENTY MINUTES INTO THE SERVICE GET UP AND SHOUT"OH SHIT THIS ISNT THE WEDDING?" AND RUN OUT SIDE 18-EAT CAPTIN CRUNCH DURING THE WHOLE SERVICE 19-IF A BABY IS CRYING GET UP AND SHOUT "SHUT THAT THING UP" 20-DRESS IN ALL BLACK 21-WEAR REAL SKULLS AROUND YOUR NECK 22-IF ITS AND EASTER SERIVE ASK IF THEY R SERVING NE EGGS AFTER THE SERVICE 23-AT THE CHURCH DINNER SCOOP UP A LOT OF MASH POTATOES AND SAY U CAN SEE JESUS IN IT 24-TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS DURIN THE SERVICE 25-HIDE A BLOCK OF SODIUM NEAR THE BAPTISMAL POOL AND WHEN THE PREACHER FIRST MENTIONS FIRE AND BRIMSTONE TOSS IN THE BLOCK OF SODIUM 26-INFLATE BALLONS AND LET THEM OFF 27-MARK UP THE BIBLE 28-TAKE UP THE BIBLE AND PRETEND ITS BURNIN YOUR HAND 29-MAKE THE SUN REFLECT OFF YOUR WATCH INTO THE PREACHER'S EYES 30-MAKE 900 CALLS ON THE CHURCH PHONE 31-PLAY WITH TOYS DURING THE SERVICE 32-DIS CREETLY POSITION A NUMBER IF BOTTLE ROCKETS ON THE FLOOR AND LIGHT THEM 33-OBJECT TO WHAT THE PREACHER IS SAYING 34-DIP WAFERS IN THE COMMUNION WINE AND EAT THEM 35-WHEN THEY PASS AROUND WITH THE OFFERINFG PLATE DROP A PIECE OF PAPER WITH YOUR FRIEND'S CREDIT CARD NUMBER ON IT. 36-FART AND SHOUT "HARK THE ANGELS HAVE SPOKEN!" 37-TURN TO THE PERSON NEX TO THEM AND SAY'DO THIS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME" AND LICK THEM 38-BLOW BUBBLES 39-FAKE A POSSESION 40- DISTRIBUTE CONDOMS 41-SPEAK IN TOUNGES 42- ASK FOR THE NEAREST ASHTRY 43-DROOL IN THE COLLECTION PLATE 44-RUN AROUND THE CHURCH SCREAM FOR HELP |
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