Confession

 

Since you don’t have feelings toward me now and won’t get hurt about what I think of you, I think I better let you know what do I really think of you otherwise I will never forgive myself because I am not good at hiding thing and lie to people just like you did and I want to be honest to myself as well.

 

I do like you the first day I met you cause you kissed me in public and held my hand all the time and that’s the thing my ex didn’t and dare not do because he was afraid of to be spot by his friend and fiancé and fiancé’s friends.   But you are not the type of guy I used to fall in love with.

 

I want to get rid of the past and start all over again, so I told myself, fuck it, just having sex with this guy and I am a new woman.

 

I do try to start a relationship with you cause you were very aggressive at that time though I don’t really like those physical touch at the very beginning, but I did really want to give you a try to see how far it can go.  Cause it happened to me all the time that I rejected people without really knowing them.  And you seemed a nice friendly guy…though we had so much difference….

 

When I found out you were pretending your voice in Donalduck and saying I love you all the time. (Well I thought you were)  I started to put myself in the situation even more that I need to contribute more to be mutual, so I decided to take the relationship more seriously. And that’s the time you retreated and saying that you just want to be friend.  Somehow I took it you are testing me and need the confirmation from me, that ‘s why I think I need to tell you I love you too to be fair (so I send you the letter I wrote about how I think I was in love with you—with imagination I supposed)

 

I was hurt cause I seldom behaved that generously to offer my love and open my heart to accept someone I feel uncertain with, and unbelievably he turned down my offer afterward which kind of making me look like a idiot. 

 

When I found out you did not really want the serious relationship with me but simply using me to fulfil your sex desire.  I felt cheap again and resent both you and me.  But I really hate the format that whenever you came to see me, all you want is to fuck me.  And once you even said it was a bad time to see me just because my period.  So I knew you were simply another man like others in the world.  And you had such a good memory when is my “bad time” and would avoid to come round to see me on those days.

 

But I pretend I know nothing about it, and telling myself “how about just having fun?”

But you keep annoying me from time to time cause your mood are up and down all the time, one minute you were very passionate, the other you were very cold.  I am not thinking about future between you and me at all, I just want to enjoy the “thing” between you and me no matter what it is.

 

I do care about you just as I cared about other people.  But I put more effort to care about you cause you are as sensitive as me. Though it’s not my responsibility to make you recover from the past, but I really want to do so to make you happy.   But I never get anything back from you; I don’t feel like I am mentally supported as a friend.

 

That’s why I felt piss off cause though you said you don’t want to lose me as a friend, cause you never really treat me like a proper one.  All I felt like is I was treated like a whore; I felt happy every time I saw you.  But I felt sad and angry with you and myself afterward after we had sex.  Cause I didn’t feel mentally close to you at all.   

 

One point, I felt lucky I did not have serious relationship with you, cause I know it won’t work cause we don’t have a good communication.  What we shared so far is just sex.  The desire for each other which coming from nowhere. 

 

I did miss you sometimes cause I felt lonely by myself in my tiny room, but I miss the one who I met the first day but not the way you are now.  That person I met the first day will never appear in my life I guessed cause his body was taken by someone whom is always moaning about the past and seeking for sex partner to fill the gap. 

 

I just realized by last Friday night that there is no such a word like “faithful” or as such that apply to our current relationship at all.  And it is obvious you don’t give it a shit if I am seeing other people or not cause probably you are seeking you new love anyway.  That’s why I felt terrible sorry and deeply regret for myself, as I should care more about myself rather than you. 

 

But I definitely learn something from you: sex, selfish and pretend to be nice and strong even when I was hurt by someone like you.

 

If there is something stupid about me, I think that is about it.  I am just way too naïve and care too much about others rather than myself.  And it’s just such a big joke that I had spent such a long time to realize this. And I don’t think I will ever get involved or try to experiment something I don’t feel certain with at the first place.

 

As for letter I wrote to you saying that I love you, I am really sorry about it because I lied.