"Here I am, rock you like a hurricane!"
If there ever was a band that truly epitomized the words "hair
metal" then it was the Scorpions, but worse yet, they mostly represented
only the WORST elements of hair metal. Starting with pompous generic power ballads
in the vein of Aerosmith and KISS-like crowd pleasing arena rock tunes, all
the way to sloppy attempts at rocking out by Def Leppard or Motley Crue. The
Scorpions emerged as one of the biggest successes of the eighties and the first
German metal band that was big in the U.S., and in fact all over the world.
Now, this album here was released in the beginning of the nineties when old
pop-metal bands already passed their heyday and grunge was ready to take over.
Obviously refusing to drop dead like everyone expected they would the Scorpions
wisely used the global effect created when communism crumbled down and unleashed
their monstrous hit, the cheesy power ballad "Wind Of Change", and thusly
topped the charts worldwide. Inspired with the appropriate lyrical balderdash
it served as a perfect background music for current events and the band used
it well. Tragically enough, it seems that no-one really noticed just how hard
this album blows. Luxuriously produced, this album actually contains loads of
awfully offensive junk and I'm especially shocked to see just how hard these
guys stink when they're supposed to, you know, sound aggressive. The point of
this album, besides to be able to go out on a tour, was that the band wanted
to toughen up the sound a bit and show the world they're not a sissy eighties
band. Fair enough, I say, but how exactly did they go about it? Not good, if
you ask me. First, this Klaus Meine singer often really stinks worse than my
socks after a month or so. You see, the man simply has no unique voice, his
performance is bland and generic, totally uninspired and unmemorable. Worse
yet, his use of vocal melodies is truly shameful, even if he has some decent
ones laid out for him. Secondly, the band simply doesn't know how to mix pop
hooks with rocking stuff! I admit, some tracks are gracefully balanced but others
are just hideous. Anyway, the songs are mostly catchy and melodic, but Meine
rarely allows them to sound completely efficient.
It's rather confusing when an album opens with the very worst number right away,
and that's exactly what the Scorpions did here introducing the sloppy pseudo-rocker
"Tease Me, Please Me". However, it does start like a normal rocker would,
with a few nice solo lines and a bunch of nifty little riffs but when Klaus
starts with his dumb singing the potentially acceptable melodies are reduced
to a low grade pop-metal mess. Heck, it would even be a nice arena rock number
(with obligatory empty spaces throughout where the audience can clap or sing
along) but this lyricism is so moronic that it would be shameful if anybody
really singed along with Klaus, in fact, I'm shocked that he can sing this hogwash
with a straight face anyway, but you know, he probably DIDN'T sing it with a
straight face. "Don't Believe Her", on the other hand represents an
formulaic up-tempo rocker, a rare anomaly in the Scorpions world that should
be treasured. It's good, albeit forgettable, but it's less stupid and more hook-filled,
and even the riffs are okay as well. Right after the band gives us yet another
example of a horrendous dragging rocker in the romantic-titled "To Be With
You In Heaven". Yeah, you've heard it before and about from every other
corny eighties band that wore spandex and fucked slutty weathered groupies.
It's the classic case of a uniformed "I'd like to get in her panties"
mid-tempo radio-happy fodder that was always just right up the alley for these
guys.
However, the next song was a real breakthrough and it was certainly something
you've NEVER heard before. Ready? The Scorpions made.... are you sure you're
ready for this? Okay, here goes...they made a BALLAD. But not any ballad, a
POWER BALLAD. What's the big deal? Well, now... this epic ballad was really
quite different from ANYTHING you've heard before because the band employed,
watch this, a whistling solo. No, I'm not talking about flutes... someone in
their camp actually whistled the melody in the beginning. I'm not certain who
exactly did it but the most logic conclusion would be our good buddy "I'm
just a poorly talented guy" Klaus Meine. Totally unpredictable, this ballad
is, with the obligatory acoustic intro followed by some moderate pounding on
the skins and lotsa heartfelt wailing by Klaus when it comes the time to deliver
the overly anthemic chorus (he even stoops so low to sing his own backing vocals,
how pathetic is that?) and of course, who could forget the climatic solo part?
Well, that's the high-point, naturally. And those blistering political lyrics?
Whoopee! Look carefully kiddies, that's how grownups make a smash hit! "Restless
Nights" is a slow rocker with, would you believe it, annoying backing vocals!
Like it mostly is with the Scorpions at least the riffage is decent, albeit
generic. But screw that song entirely, the tune that made me smile was certainly
"Lust Or Love", a brilliant pop-metal tune with a really beautiful,
tastefully restrained, but still powerful vocal work from Klaus and lots of
nice solo lines and small effective riffs. Yeah, the drummer bashes his little
thing like he's Cozy Powell (in a generic way, that is), but man, do I dig that
anthemic chorus! The central climatic solo is only so-so, but who needs it when
the vocal melody is so catchy and memorable? The whole song is kinda like the
ultimate hair metal ditty, simply splendid I tell you!
The following rocker "Kicks After Six" is much weaker, although it's
still not offensive one bit, mostly relying upon a couple of okay riffs and
an old corporate-style melody covered by millions of bands before. It's like
a piece of gum that everybody already chewed upon. It's not too dumb, since
it's basically just a slightly ass-kicking unmemorable filler with very annoying
screaming by Klaus, who was never much of a wail-master anyway. All in all,
this rocker is standard tripe for such bands. Still, "Hit Between The Eyes"
is truly a strong heavy number more similar to classic power metal bands than
to hair metallers. You might argue it's a throwaway like other rocking ditties
here were, and you could be right, but I can't dismiss it. For starters, it
doesn't sound overly cheesy or idiotic and it's even very effective overall.
Secondly, the vocals here are quite restrained and the chorus is simple but
entertaining, quickly sticking firmly in my brain. I'd even go as far to state
it's one of the best rockers that the Scorpions produced, EVER. Hold on, I know
this is extremely debatable since this guys were always prime ass-kickers and
it's hardly possible to choose the best rocker, but I can't help but to cast
my vote towards this humble tune. Also, I do hope you've pinpointed my sarcasm
in the previous sentence.
Er... "Money And Fame", well, hmm..... it's not as good. Maybe it's
salvageable, but... ah well, let's see what we can do. On the positive side
it's heavy and riff-driven (with acceptable riffs as well) but it is too slow.
No way to go around that. The vocals are back to suck as well, with Klaus yelping
some ordinary rock lyrics around in a expectedly forgettable manner. Further
more, I really couldn't remember a darn thing about it when I turned it off.
Come on, guys! I know hooks are hard to find, but dammit! Go to the store and
by a couple fishing hooks if nothing else! It would probably be much more suitable
than the poorly-written mess you're peddling around. At first I considered the
title track to be yet another massive misfire here, but it really did grow on
me. Basically, it's just yet another heavier rocker with neat riffage at a mid-tempo
pace combining it with some fast passages. The only truly good ballad on Crazy
World comes quite unexpectedly in the form of "Send Me An Angel"
and serves as a closing number too. I do realize I should loathe the hell out
of it, especially since it has that acoustic dribbling (mind you, I suppose
it's the acoustic guitar even though it sounds untypical), but the most irritating
part are surely the heavenly keyboards and the whispering backing vocals. Klaus
manages well, and there's some generic drumming throughout, probably done by
a drum machine or a highly stoned individual. Oddly enough, despite all of those
shortcomings, this is actually a solid if generic ballad. Not at all offensive
or a helluva original, but much superior to that overblown crucial hogwash of
"Wind Of Change".
Well, I guess you could do much worse when pop-metal albums are in question,
but this still stinks with conviction and no-one, and I mean, NO-ONE should
be forced to listen to this shim even at gun point. There's a few redeeming
tunes sprinkled around but that's not nearly reason enough to go out of your
way and actually buy this shitpile. Obviously, there's a number of better things
you can pick up instead, like, ya know, a shitload of mildly alcoholic beverages
commonly known under the "beer" moniker or something. Just pick up anything
instead of this... even a hooker wouldn't be a bad choice but you'd probably
get syphilis from her so, like, nevermind.
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So yeah, let's face the shit. I'm sure you're wondering if
I finally went off the rails on a crazy train but this ain't no comedy act that
I'm cooking up right now. Nope. This is a honest evaluation of this here crap.
For starters, I simply must ask this – is it really that much to ask of a band,
of ANY band, to come up with something at least mildly respectable in the course
of THREE year's time? Imagine that, the Scorpions had three years to pen these
eleven ditties here, that means they had roughly THREE months to write one single
tune and what in God's name did they produce? A shitload of derivative "yeah,
you remember correctly, I'm awfully reminiscent of any given tune on Crazy
World" ballads and several disappointing hard rocking attempts more
fit for a background music in a circus than for the blistering stadiums of our
days. That said, this ain't exactly a gigantic step down from Crazy World
seeing how that one already sucked ass. Should I talk about the production,
songwriting and such matters now? I probably should, but I see little point
in doing that since this follow-up here is more or less the same. Why a weaker
rating then? Well, because of one song to be quite frank. I truly believe that
"Nightmare Avenue" is the ugliest thing I've heard in a while, but don't
let that worry you cause I'll speak about it later on.
At the risk of being called a tasteless moron I'm really considering to proclaim
"Alien Nation" as a dang fine recording. I know it's highly debatable
but I'm positive that this neat ditty deserves it. Supposedly this song was
a minor hit as well, and I don't find it so unlikely as you might think. After
all, considering all the metallic elements used on this here offering one could
have the impression that Scorpions actually could, hypothetically speaking,
record a decent power metal tune if they're in the adequate mood. Well, "Alien
Nation" is the living proof of that, and it's easily the most memorable
tune on the album (eh, I know it doesn't mean much, but there you are). Basically,
what we're talking about here is just a standard power metal rocker with a pile
of so-so lyrics. Elsewhere, I don't need to say much about "No Pain, No
Gain" cause everything I could possibly say wouldn't shock you. Sufficient
to say, it's yet another mid-tempo heavy rocker with a hilariously written chorus
very reminiscent of Scorpions's past successes like, say, "Tease Me, Please
Me". On the other hand "Someone To Touch" isn't a ballad like I've
thought it would be, and it's just as deep as only a Scorpions number can be
– a few inches at most. It's a quirky speedy rocker with a typical sing-along
chorus and the obligatory backing vocals by the band. The text will make you
hurl ("one for the money, two for the show/ you can't resist it on a night
like this/ I'm the answer baby and you know") but you probably wont die
of bad digestion on the spot.
"Under The Same Sun" is a ballad that I actually don't despise since
it obviously has a crapload of sticky vocal hooks. If you wanna talk about song
structures this one is stitched according to that shabby old formula of expected
acoustic playing, some ear-bleedingly emotional wailing by Klaus and a tepid
guitar solo. Is it worth hearing then? Yeah, I guess so, but only if you're
extra careful and keep a few aspirins nearby. Now it's time for some mean rawkin'
so the boyz decided to deliver big time. "Unholy Alliance" is a total
eighties power-pop rocker in the Duran Duran vein (only a bit harder, of course)
and it bugged the hell out of me for some time cause I'm not a big fan of that,
eh... unusual bouncy sound. Apart from that it's rather ordinary sounding and
when I got used to this odd rhythm I've even elevated it to a status of "mildly
pleasant, but annoying". Meanwhile, "Woman" is naturally an epic
ballad of sorts, but somehow a very dreary one. I'd even say it's kinda menacing.
Once again all the classic ballad elements are in place opening with a gloomy
guitar solo and picking up steam with weird synths, melodramatic strings and
a screeching vocal performance. The unusual thing about this number is that
it sounds like something off a horror flick soundtrack. It's nothing particularly
unbearable, but a top track it ain't.
Of course, if one needs some rocking stuff then by all means please FORGET all
about "Hate To Be Nice". It is a rather conventional dull rocker, but
quite a sloppy one, especially since the lyricism is of somewhat braindead nature
"tell me when your eyes say yes/ how can your lips say no/ a girl like you
shouldn't be surprised/ it's just I hate to be nice". Would someone please
hand me a few earplugs already? And you would think that "Taxman Woman"
is even worse but.. eh, hell, I wont lie to you, it is even worse. Heck, any
shim with lyrics like "taxman woman I keep running/ can't you see it's only
money/ taxman woman I keep running/ can't you see it's so hard honey/ to keep
up with you" should be cleared up immediately. Otherwise, the riffage is
pretty interesting in a generic way, the instrumental passages are odd and the
vocal melody lacks, eh, melody. Anyhow, since I'm thinking about guilty pleasures
right now, here's one you'll probably appreciate. The up-tempo rocker "Ship
of Fools" has a moderately catchy chorus and a hideous electronic noises/operatic
wails section. It's mildly memorable overall, with the slick pop-metal production.
And here it is, the only place on this record where the cheese starts to stink
so hard that I'm actually swallowing buckets of anti-nausea pills. I'm completely
positive that "Nightmare Avenue" is the absolutely lowest point of the
complete pop-metal genre in the last twenty or so years. It opens normally like
any rock number would with speedy bland guitar lines and drumming, but then
they employ such a WEIRD rhythm that I've started vomiting mountains and mountains
of neat purplish slime until I dropped from exhaustion and damn near suffocated
in the whole shit. Ordinary rocker this is not (although they do have the annoying
sing-along sections), but what really separates this track from all of the other
tunes here are the lyrics. I truly believe I've never heard anything this senseless,
and you're hearing this from a person who has no trouble with digesting most
Uriah Heep and Dio stuff, so let me quote: "last night I went to kill/ some
time at the famous grill/ where the tall eats the small/ there were girls all
over me". I really do hope that no rabid Scorpions fan will e-mail me saying
I've missed the point, since this is hands down the worst cock-suckingly lame
attempt at lyricism made by anyone, EVER. And the last tune? It's blowin' in
the wind like everything else here. That said, "Lonely Nights" has more
of that corny acoustic playing and a buttload of really overused lyrics so you
might as well hit the eject button right away.
So you still want me to summarize? Okay, the bottom line is this – if you wanna
kill your brain cells, then I'll sure recommend buying this, but if you actually
have some sort of a music taste, then do yourself a favor and get some classic
Nazareth records or something.
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