"If you're not into metal you are not my friend!"
Everybody's favorite metallers came roaring... er... slumping
with vengeance with this, their first album in four years. While I was very
disappointed to see that Manowar still haven't disbanded, although they were
ignored by the record buying audience for almost a decade (which should have
served as an obvious enough cue for these dumb asses), I was, in some ways glad
that I'll have the chance to laugh my ass off to the newest set of tunes from
this band once again. And really, if I've ever seen an album that simply craves
to be spit upon this is most definitely it, considering it's almost 70 minutes
long and the opening track named "Achilles, Agony And Ecstasy In Eight Parts"
is actually a deadly pretentious 28 minute behemoth which slumps along in a
excruciatingly dull manner incorporating the obligatory guitar AND drum AND
bass solos on its way. Ehm... well, Yes are obviously beginners when compared
to Manowar, wouldn't you agree? So the story goes on... the track has eight
parts, all of which have incredibly dumb names with "The Desecration Of Hector's
Body" being the most sneer-inducing of the lot, and with each part being more
monotonous and pedestrian than the next. Anyway, three of those eight parts
are feeble instrumentals played with as much precision as could be expected
from a bunch of hairy cavemans (and Manowar are just that so no surprises here).
Also, speaking of these cavemans, the band had some lineup changes so they got
a new guitar player named David Shankle and also a new crappy drummer whose
name I've so justly forgotten. Perhaps they're partially responsible for this
huge misfire of a track but since the song isn't really credited to them, I
doubt it. Rudimentary playing is displayed all around this track (as well as
the whole album) as Manowar's band members obviously didn't master their instruments
enough to be able to market themselves as a merely decent, or even passable
band, which of course results in all sorts of out-of-tune sonic explorations
that are all but pleasurable listening experiences. It must be said that the
very worst offenders of this opening cut are the simplistic (not to mention
tuneless) drum and bass solos where Manowar totally abandons any illusion of
melody they had so far and expose themselves for the true wankers they are.
I guess the bass solo is even somewhat excusable, but the lengthy, rambling
drum solo is virtually unbearable and embarrasses not even the performers but
their fans as well.
And you know, the lyrical themes are as zany as ever handling with either: a)
Satanism, death & destruction; b) awkward pseudo-mythology; c) their usual "death
to posers and false metal!" or "long live true heavy metal!" credos. Taking
the lyrics in consideration I guess they want to sound a bit darker on this
album, but I quite honestly think that this doesn't help matter much and it
actually only makes them worse. It's not like I give a shit anyway but this
oddball cartoonish outfit called Manowar couldn't sound tasteful even if Bob
Dylan decided to lend them a hand in the songwriting department. But hey, what
can you expect from this band when almost ALL of the songs are written by only
one person, the man in question being that bass playin' wanker Joey DiMaio.
The only slightly redeeming point of this thoroughly hurtful effort is that
their singer, Eric Adams actually has some sort of heavy metal charisma and
even if he mostly sounds pompous and self-important (check out his work on 2002's
"Warriors Of The World" where he much to my disgust sang an Italian opera, in
Italian) sometimes he can give life even to the crappiest numbers in their handy
dandy songbook.
Anyhow, even if you survive the first song you'll still have a whole lot of
survivin' to do since the rest of the album is almost a complete suckfest. Well,
I did say almost, cause amidst all this garbage there is still several salvageable
songs like the standard "death to posers" rocker "Metal Warriors" which rocks
pretty heavy, in a generic mid-tempo way. Admittedly, this kind of stuff wouldn't
be more than substandard filler for a band like Iron Maiden but here it's as
close to a decent song as I could ever hope for. "Burning" is a passable doomy
rocker driven exclusively by Adams' forceful vocal performance, but other than
that it's just not too hot. Hey, what did you expect? It's based on some predictable
mid-tempo riffage, and sadly plagued with ridiculous Satanic overtones. Between
these almost decent numbers you'll get four fast double-bass driven screechers
"Ride The Dragon", "Spirit Horse Of The Cherokee", "The Power Of Thy Sword"
and "The Demon's Whip", all living up to their awful titles' promises. I guess
some could be pleased with brainless wanking such as this, but this thin, thin,
THIN drum sound doesn't do much for me - especially since most of these songs
are almost eight minutes long. To make matters worse all of them seem to be
built around just one riff (and a half-baked one at that) which is then recycled
throughout the song constantly pissing over the rapid but horrendously boring
drum work until it fades away in the speakers. And it goes on and on, and on,
and on... AND ON. Then it thankfully ends and you're left with nothing but a
corny power ballad "Master Of The Wind" which sounds surprisingly fresh, melodic
and inoffensive when taken in the context of all this crap that preceded it.
It's just a regular ballad, though.
I'm pretty much done blurting out my venom so I don't have any fancy final words
for you. I will say, however, that this hideous Conan-inspired cover is well
worth spitting on too, and I can't but stand amazed that it actually folds out
into a full poster, although I don't know a sane person who would want to be
caught dead with something as disgusting as that on their wall. Pure Manowar
cheese, no doubt about it. Anyway, let me just ask you this; how the fuck did
these guys ever got signed to Atlantic Records? Or to ANY label for that matter?
Any comments or reviews to grant us with?