Leave it to Cher to do it right. Do what right, you ask? To
fuck things up, that's about the only possible answer. So what did she do wrong?
That's easy. She took her fresh Believe formula which was in the same time highly
successful and reasonably artistically plausible and replaced it with, well,
soulless electronic music. Sure, Believe wasn't a soul album or anything, but
damn, at least she sang there and here she just sounds like robot. Literally
like a robot. Hey, what else can I say when her vocals on the whole record are
somehow electronically enhanced so any effect that her unique powerful voice
might have is lost forever? Further more, the music just reeks of her desire
to grab more cash and vanish into smoke. Well that ain't gonna happen my dear
Cherie when you're presenting us with such a crock of dated techno-based shit.
Okay, well, this probably isn't the very worst that this particular miserable
genre has to offer but anyone should agree with me when I say this is pretty
darn lame even for Cher's own standards. She was always an opportunist, though,
so let's just say I'm not surprised. After my little rant I think it's pretty
obvious I think of this as a huge letdown from the exciting though formulaic
Believe. Where that album forced me to move my ass, this album tries to get
me to die of boredom after inflicting thousands of monotonous carbon-copied
bass beats upon me, coupled with barely noticeable vocal hooks. If vocals are
a good description for that robotic thing which sings instead of Cher. Anyway,
on the musical plan you'll see that this isn't much more cliched then Believe
was but it does leave out all of that album's infectious energy and replaces
it with "thoughtful" aural assaults of the Cher-robot's wailing. Not a pretty
sight.
Whatever the rest of the album might sound like the opening track “The Music’s
No Good Without You” seems to be a dead-on rip-off of almost any songs that
Madonna had on Music, even though it’s obviously not nearly as good. Expected
heartbreak/ loneliness lyrics behind this generic song are as conventional Cher
as she gets but this dull musical plodder isn’t fit to be presented on some
low-budget album; and it especially shouldn’t be available on an album by any
major artist with four decades of highly successful career already wrapped up.
One would think that Cher knows better than that and she probably does if we
can trust her enough to look ahead to the hook-filled majesty of "Alive Again”.
Although it's based on the same stale, predictable and already overhauled pattern
which made Believe such a huge hit the infectious "Alive Again" works remarkably
well if you're ready to ignore how painfully derivative it is. However when
Cher decides to expand the formula used on the opener by adding a real vocal
hook miracles can and will happen like presented on both "(This Is) A Song For
The Lonely" and "A Different Kind Of Love Song". Like I've mentioned both of
these songs profit from that more adrenaline-driven approach (take that "adrenaline"
phrase with a hearty grain of salt) but as a result they're pretty much interchangeable
if reasonably solid. And the following pseudo-emotional ditty "Rain, Rain" comes
across like a pedestrian manifesto of loneliness fully equipped with banal lyrics
and a glossy eighties feel so this tune already seems to be heavily dated. What
a pity.... or it would have been a pity if it didn't suck donkey ass in the
first place. Oh well, it only gets worse from here with "Love So High" being
a typical tuneless disco mess which relies upon a forgettable vocal performance
and another recycled beat you've had the misfortune of hearing for over a decade
on any pitiful dance album in existence. While not much better, "Body To Body,
Heart To Heart" at least rips-off the Latin beat of "Dov'e L'Amore" even if
it does so in an awkwardly dumb way. By the way, am I the only one who's kind
of irritated by these rudimentary lapses of taste from such an old and presumably
wise fox like Cher? She should realize that if she wanted to make eighties dance
music she should have done that in the eighties and not now.
“Love Is A Lonely Place Without You” is another primitive ode to solitude completed
with an astonishingly boring vocal performance which is instantly topped by
an equally tired moody beat condemning this otherwise almost listenable track
to vast (and overcrowded) realms of schlocky mainstream pop-crap. And if you
thought that things will get slightly less predictable eventually “Real Love”
should show you otherwise with the Cher-robot waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiling away through
her electronically enhanced pipes and putting me on the very verge of getting
a sledgehammer and “gently patting” this abysmal disc on the back. For better
or for worse at least the disc is almost over and this is where Cher tries to
lure you in with a derivative but very much eatable disco hopper called “Love
One Another”. Heavenly slice of disco it ain’t, but it is far more acceptable
than a solid half of this record. And actually you’d do wisely if you’d decide
to listen to the track cause even if her odd and all too frequent “eee-e-eee-e-eee”
wails could turn you away, it’s still well-worth plowing through since some
perfectly decent vocal hooks are presented. However no matter how you've liked
(or hated) the stuff that preceded it the disco ballad “You Take It All” certainly
is a true hidden gem with its slow gloomy atmosphere and Cher’s enhanced yet
forceful vocals. I’m not about to say it’s not standard radio fodder but I really
enjoy this All Saints-styled number with the echoey production, humming backing
vocals and that relaxing electronic effect which sounds like drops of rain falling
(can’t think of a better description at the moment). In other words the song
somehow conveys that unique feeling of chilling at the seaside and listening
to the sea, which doesn’t exactly make up for a unique listening experience
but it's a pleasant one nonetheless. By the way, “When The Money’s Gone” is
the standard disposable closing track similar in sound to Believe with respectable
“what happens when I’m not a big star anymore” lyrics. Not bad but it pretty
much reinvents the word “derivative”, although, to be fair, it’s created in
a much more straightforward Cher mold.
Ending this review by saying how extremely disappointed I am would be an understatement,
but it does stand that this release was a considerable commercial flop after
the mighty blockbuster of Believe. Perhaps Cher just waited too long to bring
her latest collection of disco songs to the hungered market and got there when
the tide was already gone (which could have been avoided if she released Living
Proof in the year 2000 instead of that Internet-only album Not.Com.mercial).
Anyway, Cher managed to miss the target big time and a new chance might not
be in the stars seeing that the whole techno/dance revival is on shaky legs
nowadays with hip-hop still going strong and rock ‘n’ roll admittedly coming
back to the charts in style (sadly, were talking about crappy pop-punk and nu-metal,
but still). That said I wouldn’t be shocked to see Cher doing hip-hop collaborations
in the near future. As for this, I bet this is one of those albums she’d rather
forget as soon as possible right next in line to such Geffen classic like
Love Hurts.
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