Metrosexuality

by Nick Heid

Reading my daily dosage of �ESPN.com Page 2�, I came across an article, which I read merely because of the flashy �sex laden� headline, which contained the obliviously alien word Metrosexual.  I began reading, hoping to find what new category of sexual orientation that the ludicrous and farcical pop-culture had formulated.  This one was probably the one, which was prophesized by flamers in San Francisco.  This was the savior, the one, the Keanu Reeves, of the sexually oriented world� this prophecy promised a land where all sexual orientation would be unified in one great sexual class� aha!... the sexual orientation to end all sexual orientations.  Finally, all of mankind was to be united, not under UN treatises or US diplomacy� but under sexual preference!  But� I was gravely mistaken� the prophecy is yet to be fulfilled and the reason that I laughed was because the media swine at ESPN had simply come up with another term for fags still in the closet� and this word was Metrosexual.  You can imagine my disappointment.  Ironically, the web page also included a quiz, which would allow you to see if you were a straight, sensitive flamer.  I eagerly clicked on to take the quiz� The quiz headline read: Are you a guy? Do you own a full set of silverware? Do you need more than a toothbrush and Speed Stick to get ready in the morning? Take the quiz below to explore your metro-sexuality.  The questions racked by brain� What do I think of shopping?  How much do I spend on a haircut?  How many times I look in the mirror?  What the heck?  I faithfully took the quiz following the great western creed WWJWD, What Would John Wayne Do?� and only got one right� the question was �What is the latest book you picked up?�  On impulse, I clicked �An old classic,� which unfortunately was also the Metrosexually correct answer.  Maybe reading classics isn�t the best idea after all�