Tracy
Author's note: This whole thing stems from a comment Robert Beltran made at a con (I'm sure in response to someone asking him about Chakotay's involvement with women other than Kathryn), that Chakotay has moved on with his life now. It also stems from something someone told me about Janeway having a romance with someone other than Chakotay next season. All feedback, as always, is welcome, just don't yell at me. I'm not happy about it either.
As the poets say: "The saddest words of tongue or pen...to know the things that might have been."
Summary: Chakotay's reaction to Kathryn's new relationship.
Disclaimer: "Voyager" and her crew are property of Paramount. They also belong to the wonderful actors who bring them to life. No copyright infringement intended. Just consider it the sincerest form of flattery. No profit was or will be made on this.
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I've moved on with my life now.
There was a time in the not-too-distant past when I still held out hope that Kathryn would be able to reconcile her devotion to Voyager, to the crew, to her unswerving determination to get us all home, with her feelings for me--or rather, my feelings for her. But I had to, eventually, come to the realization that it was not meant to be.
Oh, my vow to her has remained the same. I pledged myself to her in all things, and I will always be whatever she needs me to be for her. That she only needs me in the capacity of friend and first officer is something that took some time for me to accept.
But accept it I did, and began to live my life again. Began seeing other women again. Even had a few, admittedly short-term relationships. I am no longer waiting for something I now know is impossible.
I remember when I made the decision to devote myself to her. I had taken a shuttle outside of Voyager, as I had so many times when I wanted to reach the spirits, and contacted the spirit of my father. I told him what I felt for Kathryn, what a truly extraordinary woman she is, and told him of the vow I intended to make for her.
"A vow, Chakotay?", he said, smiling. "She must truly be a woman of worth for you to make such a pledge to her."
"She is, father, and more. I will be for her whatever she needs of me."
"And what if she doesn't need you in all the ways you wish, my son?'
"Father?"
"What if she only needs you in the capacity of a fellow officer? A friend? What if she does not return the deeper feelings you have for her? Will your vow to her change?"
I thought about that for a moment. "No. I will find a way to accept it. I will find a way to be only that which she requires of me."
"And what if she chooses another? What if she finds love with another man? If you make this vow to her, will you be able to remain true to your promise? Will you find a way to bear it?"
I told him that I would, and I meant it; but it was still early enough in our relationship that I still hoped that Kathryn and I would get past all that stood in our way and finally develop a more intimate relationship with each other.
But Kathryn made it all too clear that she could never reconcile having a relationship with her first officer. She never swayed from this, never let me believe otherwise, and although I would have waited a lifetime for her if she asked it of me, she remained steadfast in her position.
When we were first flung into the Delta quadrant, when she first contacted me and proposed we merge our two crews, I had known her only by professional reputation. I knew Star Fleet must have been pretty serious about stopping us to send Janeway after me, but I knew nothing of her personally. My decision to accept her offer was made only as an act of self-preservation for my crew and myself. There was really no other option available to us.
When she offered to make me her first officer she really surprised me. I fully anticipated that Tuvok would fill that duty. I thought she'd never truly accept any of the Maquis as part of her crew; but almost from the moment we came on board, she regarded us in the same way she regarded any of the rest of her crew.
One of the very first things that impressed me about her.
As time went on, I learned what a truly remarkable person she is. My feelings for her at first were those of respect and admiration. My loyalty to her grew with time.
As for my attraction to her, that took me totally by surprise. As I got to know her, I began to feel that her spirit and mine were in accord, that her being spoke to mine, but my love for her was something unexpected.
One day on the bridge, I had stepped up to the view screen after making some comment to her, and she made a little teasing joke. It was nothing really, but it surprised me. One of the first things that told me that my captain had a rather subversive sense of humor. I turned to see her grinning at me. I was totally captivated.
Seska knew what I was beginning to feel for Kathryn even before I did, I think, and hated her for it. I still feel a burden of guilt for unwittingly bringing Seska on the ship. For all the hell she caused Voyager and her crew, and most of all for what Kathryn went through before it was over.
And Kathryn never, never said one word of reproach to me.
I remember when that whole nightmare was going on, when I believed the baby Seska was carrying was mine. One night, after lying in bed for hours unable to sleep, I finally dozed off for a few minutes and had a dream. In the dream I was on the bridge and there was a woman standing in front of the view screen, half turned from me so that I couldn't see her face. The figure was familiar to me, though. The long, reddish hair, the gray outfit and boots, and most of all, her protruding stomach, heavy with child. In my dream I made the connection with no pleasure. Seska.
But as I drew closer, the woman turned, and it was not Seska at all. It was Kathryn. Kathryn Janeway, pregnant with my child. She was smiling and holding a hand out to me, beckoning me to join her, and the joy I felt at the sight of her was nearly more than I could bear.
I awoke soon after and the grim reality returned, but I held that image in my mind for a very long time. She'd laugh if she knew.
When we contracted the disease that sent us to stay on New Earth I decided to reveal my pledge to her. Strange to say how grateful I was for that illness. I'd never have allowed them to send her there alone, and I don't believe I would have let anyone else go with her while I remained on the ship. She didn't understand why I was content to make a home on the planet while she was struggling to find a way for us to leave. I was nesting while she was making ready to fly. I wanted to tell her that I was quite content there, quite happy to make a home for us, for I believed I had everything I wanted or desired right there with me.
So, under the guise of the Angry Warrior legend, I told her of the vow I made. Of course, she saw right through the "legend". She was touched, but wanted to put up "parameters". I knew that my pronouncement had both overwhelmed and surprised her, so I gave her time to accept it.
But when we returned to Voyager those parameters were firmly in place. The closeness we were beginning to forge on New Earth was a thing of the past. It was not completely gone, but it was now relegated to the "friendship" quadrant of our relationship.
When we miraculously made contact with home, got the letters from friends and family, she told me of her "Dear John" letter from her fiance. She tried to mask her feelings, but I could tell she had been terribly hurt. When she told me of the finality of his letter, she looked into my eyes for quite a long moment, and there was something there, in her eyes, something I hadn't dared hope for in a very long time. I was almost afraid to move, to breathe, for fear I'd end the moment, break the spell. Even when she was hailed from the bridge she maintained the contact between us for a few seconds. Then she looked away and turned to leave.
Later, I went to her again to see how she was faring. She said she was "fine". Fine. I meant it when I said that she'd say that if she'd had her legs torn off. I wanted to try to get her to talk about it with me. Instead, she revealed to me she'd been using her relationship with Mark as a "safety net". She no longer had that safety net, the one she used to avoid having a relationship with someone else. If our "parameters" hadn't already been so firmly set, I really don't know how I would have reacted at that moment.
Well, she's not avoiding those relationships any longer. I'm surprised at my surprise, actually. Oh, not at all surprised that someone else sees what I see in her. How could anyone not fall in love with my beautiful, brilliant, indomitable Kathryn?
No. Not mine.
I will forever be hers, bound by my pledge, but now only by that pledge. A vow I wouldn't retract if I could. But she belongs to him now. Jerron. An ambassador from a planet we have been orbiting for about a month now. She had gone to the surface to negotiate for some minerals we needed, and for the foodstuffs they had to offer, leaving me in charge on the bridge.
If I've learned anything about her, I've learned that she unfailingly faces things head-on, and she came to me immediately when she returned to the ship. Looked me right in the eye, put her hand on mine and told me that she'd met someone, fallen in love with someone. She wanted me to hear it from her, before it got around the ship. No secret was safe on Voyager, our group is too tightly knit, but she had no intention of letting it remain a secret. She is not the kind of person to sneak around, hide things.
I told her I was happy for her, and I am. After all, part of my vow to her is that her happiness is my happiness, isn't it?
Isn't it?
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Last night Neelix threw a Christmas party for the crew members from Earth, but everyone was invited, of course. It was really just another excuse for him to throw one of his parties. He'd chosen a venue that held some nostalgia for the crew. Sandrine's. I had missed Sandrine's. One of the first places we'd all been able to come and relax on the ship. I had the bridge that shift so I didn't get to the holodeck until well after the party was under way. I'd had to go back to my quarters and change clothes first. Neelix insisted we not wear uniforms for the occasion. The place was decorated in Neelix's version of Christmas decorations, which were a bit odd and a bit gaudy, but festive. I noticed a fire roared in the hearth, and he'd created a gentle snowstorm outside the windows.
The crew were either chatting at the various tables, or shuffling around the dance floor. I made my way over to the drinks table, avoiding Neelix's version of egg nog--too much egg of some kind, not enough nog. Instead I took a glass of the punch. Sniffing it, I could tell someone had spiked it, and not with synthahol. Tom, probably.
I had only planned on making an appearance and leaving again, so I went over to stand by the far wall, near the exit. That's when I saw them.
Kathryn was wearing a velvet dress that I thought was black at first. It turned out to be a dark, midnight blue when she moved into a stronger light. It had a neckline that modestly came to the base of her throat in the front, but when she turned she revealed the deep "V" in the back. She had a silver chain of some kind around her neck, and a matching silver ornamental clip holding her hair back on one side.
She took my breath away.
She was in Jerron's arms and they were slowly dancing to the music, barely moving around the dance floor. She was looking up at him, speaking softly with a small, private smile on her face.
Jerron, a tall, angular humanoid with nearly white hair and clear blue eyes was smiling back down at her. She rested her head on his shoulder, and they continued dancing in silence.
Suddenly, without warning, she raised her head a bit and looked right at me. I hadn't even known she was aware of my presence. Our eyes locked in--what? It only lasted a second or two, but felt to me as if it lasted forever. It was she, of course, who broke the contact first.
I don't know how long I stood there after that, but I became aware that someone was saying my name and was pulling insistently on my wrist. It was B'Elanna. "Chakotay, Chakotay, come sit with us", she said softly, as if speaking to a child. I let her pull me over to the table where she sat with Tom, Harry, Seven, and a few others. There were two chairs available, one facing the dance floor, one facing away. I let her steer me, unresisting, into the one facing away.
Harry was trying to explain the meaning of Christmas and the significance of the decorations to Seven, who looked unconvinced. Susan Nicoletti and her boyfriend had eyes for no one else. Tom was filling everyone's glasses with a bottle of something.
B'Elanna leaned over to me and said quietly, "Go ask her to dance."
"What?" I looked to see if anyone else had heard, but Tom and Harry were debating historical Earth Christmas traditions, Seven had wandered off to examine the Christmas tree more closely, and the others only had eyes, and thankfully ears, for each other.
"Just cut in. He won't mind. Go dance with her."
I suddenly had a vision of taking Kathryn in my arms, the feel of the velvet warmed by her body heat under my hands.
Without acknowledging that I'd heard B'Elanna at all, I stood. "Good-night everyone."
They tried to get me to stay, but I told them that I was contributing nothing to the conversation and hadn't intended on staying anyway. Having made my excuses, I said farewell once again. They all bade me good-night, but B'Elanna was looking at me in a strange, sympathetic way.
I hope B'Elanna won't pursue this, won't want to talk about it. If she does I will just explain to her that I've moved on with my life now. Seeing Kathryn with Jerron was just something new, something a bit unexpected.
I think my reaction to Kathryn's relationship may come from the fact that I am not seeing anyone right now. I wonder how she felt when I was involved with someone. She never seemed to react much at all. Hell, she'd even told me to go to Kellin. Kellin, who is not much more than a log entry to me now, a vague, shifting memory.
There was the time when I had taken Riley to talk with Kathryn. We were leaving her Ready Room, and I looked back to see Kathryn looking at me with a sort of wistful expression on her face. When she became aware of my scrutiny she schooled her features into her "captain" face--but not before I saw that look.
"Will you find a way to bear it?" I will, and I know it helps that I don't have the expectations of her that I used to have.
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It's odd. I keep telling myself to move. I seem to be rooted to the spot and I'm due on the bridge in a few minutes.
Just now I left my quarters and nearly ran into him leaving hers, and I know, I know, he spent the night there. I mean, I knew that she.... I knew that they... I feel vaguely like the wind has been knocked out of me.
He smiled and wished me good morning and went on his way. I don't even know if I answered him or not. Kathryn is supposed to be accompanying him to the planet's surface this morning. When he was gone, I was left standing here like a statue.
I will find a way to bear it. I keep telling myself that I will.
Because I know...that this would be killing me...
If I hadn't found a way to move on with my life.
Finis .