Tracy
Holding On and Letting Go
By Tracy Thurman
VOY: [J/C 1/1 G]
Author's note: Inspired by Mary W's story "October" and a line from "You've
Got
Mail".
Summary: After losing Chakotay, Kathryn discovers what's important.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns and created them, I'm just borrowing them for a time and promise not to scuff them up too much before I return them. No profit was or will be made from this.
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Oh, Chakotay, I've made such a horrible mistake. I see that now. Now that it's too late to do anything about it.
I've been in my new place for a week now, a terrible week. The one thing I thought I could do that would make me feel better about things has made things even worse, if that's possible. I've taken to writing you in this journal every day since it's the only way I can communicate with you that won't land me in the loony bin. I just have to talk to you. You're the only one I can turn to about this.
After I lost you I thought I'd die, too. I don't know how I survived those first few days. I suppose it was all the people around me who bolstered me up. That and all the arrangements I had to make. Everyone came, you know. From all over the galaxy, they came. Our family, Chakotay, they all came back when they heard. They helped me so much in those first few days. Tom and B'Elanna, Harry and Seven, Tuvok and T'Pel.
I don't think I was very good company right then. I felt like I was breaking into about a million pieces and losing my mind at the same time. Neelix came and sat with me one day, not saying a word, just holding my hand and letting me take whatever I needed from him. He was the first one I cried in front of. Oh, I felt like crying all the time, but finally broke down in front of him. He just held me and patted my shoulder. Such a dear man.
Anyway, after it was all over and everyone had left it all finally hit me. I wandered around our house and realized that every corner of that place had a reminder of you in it. After all, we'd made love in every room of that house. All the memories were happy memories and that actually made it worse. I knew I'd never have that again, that I'd never see you again. No, that's not true, I know when my time comes, I'll be with you again. I know you're waiting for me, but I'm not getting along very well without you here, you know. When I come home at night, I've taken to putting on your bath robe. It still smells of your after shave and I wrap myself in it, imagining your arms are around me. The scent is beginning to fade, and that saddens me more.
Did you ever read "Wuthering Heights"? No? Probably not. I don't think it's your kind of book. Anyway, there's a scene where Cathy is on her deathbed and Heathcliff comes to see her. Edgar, her husband, bids her to rest in peace, but Heathcliff says no. He damns her soul to never find peace if it means she'll leave him. He'd rather have her ghost with him than nothing left of her at all, you see. I know how he feels now. How can I go to sleep in our bed without you in it? How can I wake up in the morning without your arms around me?
Anyway, I finally decided that the thing to do would be to sell the house. I thought if I got rid of all the painful reminders of you, maybe I could find the strength to go on. Well, the joke was on me. I put everything in storage and put the house up for sale. Everyone tried to talk me out of it. B'Elanna even got angry with me. She thought that I was trying to eradicate every memory of you as if you never existed. I tried to explain to her how painful it was to be reminded of our life together, but couldn't make it through my explanation. She was the second person I broke down in front of. She held me and cried, too. Finally she said she understood and would help me with whatever I decided. Even Tuvok and Neelix tried to talk me out of it, but I thought I knew best.
One week after the house was on the market, I got a call from D'Cala my real estate agent. She said a private investor had purchased the house and lands. It was odd, but instead of feeling happy when she told me the news, I got an awful hollow feeling in my stomach.
I packed everything up to put into storage, except a few necessities and a few mementos. Your bath robe of course, and the blanket you brought from Voyager. The picture of us in the hammock in Jamaica. I smile every time I look at it. How I managed to get you to move to Indiana I'll never know. You did love three of the four seasons there. Spring and Summer, you said, were some of the most beautiful here, and Autumn always seemed to amaze you. However, winter was another story. You'd endure the cold and gloom for so long, and then you'd demand we take a "Cabin Fever" trip to someplace warm and sunny. In the picture, you have on a faded red shirt and cut offs, and I'm wearing my white sundress with the red flower in my hair. You have your arm around my waist and we're laughing at the photographer. I love that picture.
Anyway, after I had everything packed up and stored away, I had to close the house up. Gods, Chakotay, that was horrible. As I closed the front door for the last time, I realized it was so final. It was like you'd died all over again, and like a piece of me was dying along with it. It was then that I knew I'd made a colossal mistake.
I've taken quarters at Star Fleet for the time being. I cried for three solid days after I got here. Then I made a decision. I called D'Cala and asked her if I could meet with the private investor. I'm going to try and convince him to let me buy the house back, Chakotay. I want to go home.
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Chakotay, it's the most wonderful thing! I went to meet the so-called "private investor" and.....well, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning. As I mentioned before, I called D'Cala and asked her to set up a meeting with the new owner of our house. She was very hesitant about it, and when I questioned her she said that it was possible that the man bought the house because we had lived there. I didn't understand at first and then she explained that because you and I had been celebrities of a sort after Voyager returned home, that he might have wanted the house as a tourist site! Gods, I hadn't thought of that, and the whole idea nauseated me! I imagined troops of tourists stomping through our house, crushing my garden, ogling the place, and I was horrified. I couldn't imagine our privacy being invaded by tourists, of all things. This is our home not a museum! Anyway, she agreed to set up the meeting, and with much trepidation I went to meet the "private investor". Apparently he had requested we meet at the house, which was fine with me. I missed the place so much I jumped at any opportunity to see it again.
I walked there from the transporter station. As I came up the lane, I could see someone standing on the porch. As I got closer I realized it was Neelix! They bought the house, Chakotay! Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Neelix and Tuvok! Yes, Tuvok as well! They thought I'd change my mind and planned on holding on to it for a couple of years. Neelix said they wanted it to stay "in the family". I cried all over everyone, I'll have you know.
Anyway, I'm getting everything out of storage and moving back in as soon as possible. I want all those reminders around me now. I know it's what I need. I love you, Chakotay. Wait for me.
Fin