5/5/01

Ok i lied i said i would do a column about letterboxes but my head is confused at the moment with certain things which only i can get confused about (Note from computer: its a girl!) My letterbox subject will be done next week because I'm not in a rant kind of mood. This week i will simply discuss the merits of being a Panda Bear in list form, good then bad.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A PANDA BEAR

• Reproduction is necessary for the survival of your species.
• It's generally considered sexy by lady pandas if you have a hairy arse.
• You can lick yourself in public without being arrested.
• Your dietary needs are sorted in one quick word: Bamboo (you'll drop those pounds a drop of a hat)
• You get to lend your name to a police vehicle.
• Its not the consensus to have to wipe your arse after every visit to the little bears room.
• You don't have to be good at football to be considered sexy,  just be able to out run a hunter when the need arises.
• Sometimes you'll get sent to London Zoo and forced to have sex with every female bear in the joint.
• The main form of currency is dirt.
• You don't have to worry about windows crashing, just the trees around you.
• You'll never have trouble sleeping.... the hunters have plenty of tranquilizers. 

BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A PANDA BEAR

• It's hell trying to receive satellite television in the jungle.
• Have you ever tried to sleep on the branch of a tree?
• Everyone around you looks the same. You could end up shagging your mother.
• In the event of hunters attacking you haven't got much hope camouflaging your white and black ass in green undergrowth.
• You have to eat bamboo everyday.
• When it's cleaning time instead of your mother shouting "its bath time" she shout "let me lick you"
• You'll never find your knob under all that fur.
• The only source of pornography you have is when your sister bends over looking for worms.
• Package holidays consist of life long stays in London Zoo. 
• Trains rarely pass through your neck of the woods.
• When your species is extinct in order for people to look at  you you'll be  sharing a screen with David Attenborough.

I'll be back next week with more about letterboxes!

  © Paul Hunt 2001