24/02/02

You sit in the pub/bar/cafe and a middle aged bald man is staring at you, he may well be a pervert, he may be homosexual but the chances are that he is staring at your hairline! Take another look, he isn't middle aged but the absence of hair makes it appear so.

There are three types of hereditary baldness that an affect a man so don't think just because you got no bald spot on your crown your going to get away with it.

1. Your have a bald spot on your crown:- the spot will grow and grow until the spot is your head.

2. Your forehead goes up into a "v" or a "u" shape you will then develop a circle of hair a the front while the rest of your hair thins leaving you with a silly patch of hair at the front.

3. Everything seems normal until you turn 15 when you notice that your hairline is slowly receding. You won't get a bal spot because your hair is going all from the front backwards. This can sometimes be a good thing because growing your hair really long can hide for for many many many years.

Now if you now me personally I spend most of my time rattling on about my own disappearing hairline, and it probably pisses people off. But lets face facts you people with safe hairlines don't know what its like to be loosing your rug.

Sure you'll all go bald someday through old age, but not in your mid-twenties. What did God think when he though up that one? "Hmm yes, men, without hair, I like it!"

If God thought baldness was so good how come his son had a full head of hair? And the shape, any other shape, hearts, mohican but not a f**king horse shoe! If your going to go bald do it right don't toy with mortal men by giving them hair on the side but nothing on top.

And nothing pisses off bald/balding men than other men who flaunt their hair. You shave your heads right down the to bone even though many men would kill for that head of hair.

God it seems also has a sense of humour. In his workshop sitting at his desk he saw the designs for bald homo-sapien and thought "hmm how about I make the rest of his body hairy than an un-shaved nuns leg, who shag pile carpet is 6ft deep" I guarantee you that for every hair that isn't on a bald mans head there are 30,000 of them on his arse, legs, back and stomach.

So what are the signs of hereditary hair loss?

Top Five signs you are going bald:

5. You walk into your grandparents house aged nine, and see an alien sitting on the sofa. He then puts a wig on, you are astonished to find that it is your grandfather. If he is bald then the chances are you are going to be as well.

4. When you discover that you've had the same bottle of shampoo for a year.

3. When your father tells you he would've preferred a daughter, if only to save you from embarrassment.

2. When it takes gradually less time to cut your hair each time.

1. When Head & Shoulders is no longer needed to cure dandruff, a simple tub of hand cream will do the job.

The only solace I take is that hair transplant surgery is coming a long way and hopefully soon my hairline will still be in the southern hemisphere of my head come 32.

So spare a thought for the bald guy who looks adoringly at your hairline. And remember 40% of all men will be bald they their 39th birthday, and that number is rising. Soon there will be a planet controlled by bald men, where your hairy headed bastards will be the freaks.

Have a Regaine Filled Day!

© Paul Hunt 2002