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18th February - Fame comes at a price, but what of Idiocy? |
First of all its been a while since I last posted a Foamy Fought on the website. So a few things I've learnt since we last spoke:
Yes the last two bullet points were mostly observational. Now the title of today's fought is a little harsh on our two antagonists but its a good title I feel. So now onto the entirely 100% true tale of how Neo, and Irish Peter lost themselves a celebrity by proxy cat.
The protagonist of our tale:
You might recognize the above person. Her name is Jenny Long she appeared on Grange Hill fro 1994 - 1996 playing a character called Anna Wright who I believe sold drugs for her brother or something. Anyway Jenny is currently illegally renting a house from its tenants. Here is the tenant in question for our story:
This picture may give you a slanted impression of what is a fine young man. Please disregard the fact that the man pictured above is Irish, and pictured in a forest holding a gun. It is purely a co-incidence. Peter is a pacifist, a rather peaceful man only known to blow his top once, at the popular pomp-rock band "Muse".
Jenny asked Peter if he could look after her cat. While Jenny's star has most certainly fallen in recent years, maybe due to her own skills as an actress or simply because she doesn't not wish to act, this cat has a certain celebrity quality to it. At least I thought so. The reason the cat needed to be out of the house is because Peter, Jenny and the other tenants were having a house inspection and so all evidence of Jenny, her cat, the Dog they have, and all the drugs needed to be out of the house.
Peter agreed, why wouldn't he? He gets to look after the cat of someone he, and certainly myself jerked off over during the early 90's. (Or at the very least she was on screen while I was jerking off to Jet from Gladiators.) Peter said he would take it to number 41. This is where myself, Trowsephi Escobar and Neo live, along with Woody, The Ranger of the Dunedain. Now three of us are gentle folk who like nothing more than sitting about enjoying the simple things in life:
Coco pops Pride Photography
Neo, or Lee as we like to call him in the real world, likes other things:
Hating Cats
To be fair to Lee he doesn't like a lot of things, ethnic minorities for one, vegetables, bright lights or walks in the park.
Sadly for Peter, myself, Trow and Woody were all out of the house. So when Peter came a knocking, a freshly woken up Lee greeted him at the door. Lee agreed to house the cat in our house, so Peter and Lee took it to the kitchen. Both men scratched their heads, as if it was giant black oblong that had come from the sky by aliens. Rather than touching it and becoming intelligent humans, the next step in human evolution, they let the cat out of the basket. It's not such a stupid idea, I mean the cat is in a small basket which isn't very pleasant. Sadly the kitchen window was open too.
Either way both men, secure in their own decisions went shopping in town leaving the cat to its own devices. What happened to the cat during this time we may never know. All that is known is that I returned to the house having gone home to take my sisters for their theory driving test. I walk up the stairs and Trowsephi shouts to me "Foamy, why is there an animal basket in the kitchen?" I had no answer and went into my room, probably to masturbate. Then we both opened our doors and said, "Lee's got that monkey!". You see its always been a fear of ours that Lee/Neo would get a pet monkey and do all kinds of censored things to it.
A few minutes later Peter and Lee returned home, I shouted down enquiring why there was an animal basket on our kitchen floor. Apparently we were taking care of TV's Jenny Long's cat. I asked why and they told me about the house inspection. "Weird", I thought. I don't remember seeing any cat.
A frantic search ensued before I was informed that the cat had been lost. I wandered about pretending to look, pretending to care. But to no avail, the cat was lost. Amazingly it took some twenty-five minutes for someone to realise that the kitchen window was open.
A crisis meeting was called, Trowsephi went for shits and giggles, I went for similar reasons. Neo didn't really care at all, sitting in the room eating what was probably cake and or pie. Peter was a little more troubled by it all. He had lost Jenny Long's cat, not just any old Jenny Long working in a slate factory but Grange Hill's Jenny Long! He sat there as if he had just been told he was going to get reamed in the ass by Lenny in Cardiff Prisons adaptation of "Of Mice & Men" After a small think Peter rang her, to tell her the news, she said she would be down in ten minutes. We all left the living room and Woody and his fair maiden Sarah returned home. As Trowsephi and myself hid in my room and Neo continued to eat pie Peter explained the situation.
A few minutes later we came downstairs, she had left, we asked Peter the situation, she was a little upset, Peter had managed to upset a former TV star! We put aside our feelings of Pride and I went back upstairs, probably to watch television, or continue downloading banned racist cartoons.
Meanwhile Lee showered to try and get rid of the cats blood that was now on his hands. While Wood and Sarah settled down to watch what I'm guessing was some kind of motor themed TV show. Suddenly around six hours after the cat was lost it waltzed into the living room from nowhere just as Woody and Sarah were settling down to a nights television.
Peter ran in from our back urban jungle to find the cat in the living room cuddling up to Woody, much to Sarah's dismay. Peter grabbed the cat and held it aloft like Excalibur only this had nipples. Jenny Long was called back to the house, she entered the house, she had obviously been crying. We all sat down in the living room all joking, hoping someone would come out with that one comedy quip that would sum up the days events.
It didn't come.
What did come was a line of rather admirable jokes, but none of us were on fire that day. Every one of Peter's gags was shot down by TV's Jenny Long who had not forgotten the experience. If you think about it she had no real reason to be angry, her cat was never lost. Sadly when Peter would joke she would laugh and then say something that would cut him down in a blaze of sarcasm bullets.
All in all its now been forgotten, another brick in the wall you might say. Peter successfully looked after the cat again two weeks later but the thought of losing the cat again was always there. But to him food now tasted nicer, drink quenched his thirst even more, the air was fresher, toilet paper was gentler and fairy liquid lasted that little bit longer. Peter had survived losing a former star of Grange Hill's cat.
Lee just ate pie/
Have A Foam Filled Day!