15/12/02

In the last week or so several things have come to my attention. No, not that Christmas is around the corner or even the fact that I may be once again attractive to members of the opposite sex, no in the last week the following fact has come to my attention: People are Idiots.

Now I know what you'll say "I'm not". Well yes you are, and so am I for that matter. But it's not the largely idiotic things that have bothered me such as the futility of war, the idiocy of hating another's religion because it is in someway wrong. No the idiocy I'm talking about is unique to human beings, we all do it, and yet we can never learn from these simple mistakes, this idiocy comes from a little know gene the idiocy gene or as others like to call it the idiot gene. And so now I present to you the four things that make mankind collective idiots:

Doors:

Ok so now you have that vacant look on your face I will of course elaborate. You know the problem, you come to a door, and you push, yet all that happens is that in a defiant stand against its overlords the door refuses to open, then it hits you just like it did with the exact same door yesterday and a million times before. You were supposed to pull. So you continue with your journey, you meet another door, this time taking in advice from earlier you pull only to be greeted by a smirk from the twat on the other side of the door. Yet again this simple tasks completion is stopped because in fact you were supposed to push.

In the late seventies scientists attempted to counter this push pull mix-up by introducing a handle on the pull side and a flat metal panel on the push side, sadly this did not help matters, not even did the addition of "Push" and "Pull" stickers to the doors. I guarantee you, no matter where you are (excluding your own homes) you will never get that damn door to open correctly the first time around.

Driving: 

Before you inquire, no the fact that so far both entries begin with the letter "D" is mere co-incidence. Now this little display of stupidity strikes people by doors, but this is also a common occurrence while driving. 

When at a junction or door if you will it is considered polite to "give way" and flash the other car forward to allow them to turn into the junction/pass the coming twat who double parked his van/allow the person through the door. Now due to politeness the person who first flashes will then receive a flash from the other driver, or when waiting at a door the show of the hand, signaling that no, you can go first. What follows is seven and a half minutes of total lunacy whereby both drivers sit there idly waiting for the other to pass. Then if that wasn't stupidity at its best, both drivers idiot gene kicks in and both decide to drive through the junction/obstruction at the same time, then both cars pullback to once again allow the other car passage, eventually the slightly more intelligent human will in a fit of anger speed through leaving the second idiot fuming at his own politeness.

I do this a lot and it just points out that politeness and idiocy go hand in hand. 

Vegetarianism:

Now this is idiocy at its best. A bunch of people who love to say they hate Television because in their circles it is referred to as "the idiot box" without any sense of irony or critical analysis. These are the same people who like to do "art" degrees, or Drama courses. These people like nothing better than to it in on a Friday night and philosophize the evil's of capitalism before spending their Saturday mornings standing outside KFC watching  healthy people eat food while standing outside chanting "meat is murder". Well to quote a t-shirt I once saw "Meat Is Murder, and Murder tastes Damn Good". 

These are the same fucks who thinks it's clever to spell Ok "okay" granted that is the accepted spelling but it's just shows that they would rather pick fights on unsuspecting subjects which only they would have knowledge about, because their diet does not account for physical confrontation, they have no energy to work let alone pick a physical fight.

Anyway the ranting aside we now come to their stake at being idiots. Now I'll admire them sticking to their guns, they fight for what they believe in as would I. But spending a morning standing outside McDonalds protesting at their meat policy only to go home and eat a meal that is designed to look like said burger only in Quorn form, or perhaps a sausage that is in fact just wheat grain defeats the point of shaping your food like meaty products. Surely less money would be wasted by just eating it in its normal form. Also these people get extra points for spending a lot of time complaining about animal rights while burning down a millennia old forests to produce thousands of leaflets that end up becoming hobo toilet paper.

Walking into People:

Ok, I went off the point big time with people whom don't eat meat as I wanted this to be a general human idiocy thing but it's too late now.

Ok you're walking down the street, you see lets say an attractive woman walking down the street, you look down at the pavement, you then look back up at her again, you can plainly see that your current trajectory will result in you colliding with each other. Knowing this the human brain simply ignores the coming threat and continues to walk. You then come to the point where you have to avoid each other in order to avoid embarrassment. 

Both people, having never won the lottery or ever before having any kind of extra sensory perception can read each others minds, and this is where the idiocy gene once again kicks in. The idiot gene takes this psychic ability and you then decide to step to your left as she decides to step to her right, noting the error you both correct yourselves, however the human brain is unable to use this magic ability a second time and rather than one staying put and the other stepping around you both step the same way again and for five minutes your left standing there as if looking into a mirror, or having a mime artist stand in front of you and copy your every move. Only then, just like with the driving does the more intelligent being speed up and walk past before things get really bad.

Ok that's enough for today I got some work to do, some push doors to pull, some junctions to stand at for an hour, some meat to eat and some woman to walk into.

Have a Foam Filled Day!

© Paul Hunt 2002