There is nothing I like more than going to the local for a game of pool. Ok there are many things I like more than going to the local for a game of pool; sex, meat, lying down etc. When playing pool there are of course two sets of rules, the "New" rules and the "Old" Rules. Call me old fashioned but I hate the New rules the same way I hate the way your stomach goes after you've eaten an apple. 

While you're growing up you encounter certain people who hate losing. Due to their personality traits they are the kind of person who will make up rules as they go along and have people believe them. They don't necessarily like to make up rules to give them the advantage, they do so just to see the perplexed look on a persons face when they tell them this little known rule.

This kind of human being is responsible for there being two different codes of Rugby. Someone wasn't happy with the Union rules so they made up Rugby League for all those people who like to make things difficult. That said it doesn't affect me because I hate rugby.

It does however affect me every time I play pool and am winning. The losing party will then proclaim that had they been playing New Rules they would've creamed me. So rather than being able to win on pure skill they have to win through a series of technicalities which is what the New Rules of Pool are.

Also if you begin to play and you haven't stated the rules the other person will claim that they had been playing New Rules and I guarantee you they will have already moved the white ball into the D so it will be too late to put it back.

What are the main differences of pool? Old rules pools is more laid back, all you have to do is nominate the black when it comes to potting. And when someone has a foul you get two shots, if you pot a ball the two shots carry over until you miss. Simple enough rules huh?

I recently asked someone (Dave) to explain the exact rules of new pool to me for this rant. He explained the Old rules as "There are no rules". When I asked for the New rules he ranted for ages about how they are the proper rules. Basically they break down like this:

"When you break and there are no balls potted you have to nominate a colour." - The twat we'll name Carl who came up with New Rules clearly had no sense of fun when he came up with this. Already annoyed at losing three in a row he makes up this rule first to confuse, to lull people into a false sense of feeling that these rules are good. If they let the other person nominate the colors that are better placed it will make them think they have a chance. It will also make the other stupid rules more of a shock later on making Carl even happier.

"When there is a foul you get two shots. If you pot a ball you get one shot left". - This is a huge annoyance because in old rules you keep the two shots until you miss one. In this one you get two and only two. This is normally the first instance you'll find out that you were secretly playing New Rules. And normally it will be when you have two shots because he fouled. If he had two shots he will "forget" he was playing New Rules until he's taking his 5th shot in a row.

"If someone fouls you can put the ball back in the D" - To me this is like moving the goalposts in football. I mean in football yeah you move the ball to a free kick position but that's never more than a few inches because the free kick takes place where the foul took place. In Pool that's like having a foul in your half then demanding a penalty kick.

"No nominating the Black" - Ok so this rule doesn't suck a lot because it benefits the lucky, and I am certainly lucky. But still in the Old rules you nominate therefore you actually know where you want to put the ball and are not relying on blind luck to win the game.

"If the ball is touching your colour you have to aim away from it" - What custard eating twat came up with that one? The cue ball is actually so close to your ball that you can't hit it. That's bureaucracy gone mad! That's the kind of rule a sore loser mad up. Can't they just be happy for the luck that has been bestowed upon you by the pool god?

"If you pot your ball and pot the other colour ball you're ok as long as yours is potted first." - This rules is full of wrongness. If you pot the other guys ball you fouled! Its just another technicality that gets people extra time. 

One day I fully expect there to be a rule that states if you were touching the table with your right hand when you potted and the white ball is in the lower half of the table and the sun is aligned with Mars then the other player gets two free shots, but of course they won't carry over.

The New Rules of pool are the ones used in tournaments, they are the widely accepted rules. But only because most pool players have been corrupted. Free pool from these rules and technicalities and more people will enjoy it, they won't fear losing because they knew they lost because they were crap not because the rules were made up by a twat.

Have a Foam Filled Day!

 © Paul Hunt