Having posted the pitiful Africa thing back on the site I have decided to do the sort of un official sequel, not in the Star Wars - Empire Strikes Back, and not in the Die Hard - Die Hard 2 sense. I prefer to compare these two pieces with A Fish Called Wanda and Fierce Creatures, both using the same cast, but a slightly different tale with the odd nod to the previous film.

I'm assuming that most people who will be reading this know me in person, otherwise you're new to this site and have accidentally clicked it having typed something obscure into google. So go back to looking for horse porn you sick fuck and let me get on with my Friday night.

Right where was I? Ah yes. So you know what I look like? Big fucking deal. Anyway I digress for the third time in 7 lines, a record for me. In an Ironic twist of fate in pointing out the greatness if my digression I have thus digressed yet again. Or is digression that damn good?

Anyway the term "slightly peculiar" doesn't quite do justice to how I'm feeling. As noted by the above paragraph I have now entitled "An ode to digression". Anyway I digress (no don't worry, I'm not going to enter into some huge Marx Brothers style tirade) By the way if you think I'm talking about a Sociologist and not a comedian visit this page.

Yet again I find myself starting another paragraph, and in the style I always adopt I never delete or re-write a damn thing. Look, woman trouble as reared its ugly head again, but this time its actual woman trouble not the post-teen angst of "she doesn't know I exist" or trips to Africa fame.

"Foamy in actual involvement with a women shock!" A headline worthy of Randolph Hearst's newspapers. I'm not going into details because if you speak English there is a good chance I have already told you what happened. I had every intention of coming on here and writing the most bile filled, hateful column you could ever imagine (I began writing this a few weeks ago) but still yet again those of you hoping I will crack will have to put away the video camera's, popcorn and souvenir foam hands for another day.

All I'd like to do now is address what the fuck I'm supposed to do now. Now any normal person would brush it all aside, but I can't do that. Any normal person would just want to hate the girl in question and the boy she is now entangled with. And I'm also supposed to listen to endless bits of advice from people who don't know what the fuck they are saying.

Look, put simply ladies if there is a problem that is annoying you somewhat for god's sake tell us before you end things so that we have a chance to put things right. Also please make it crystal clear what the hell is going on all the time, we get confuselated easily. Oh and another thing (Now this isn't related to my situation but I've seen enough of it in the last few weeks to make a comment) if any women out there have a close male friend, I guarantee, I guartan-damn-tee that they are in love with you, I don't care how stupid it sounds if there is one male friend who you confide in, who likes to spend lots of time talking to you etc, he frickin's loves you, but under no circumstances are you to get romantically involved with them, because no matter how many times trashy American Sitcoms or Romantic Comedies portray it friends should never be more than that.

Anyway back to my problem, I can't hate the girl because however much people want me to deny it, and however much I want to deny it I still care for her. Can I hate the new guy? Well yes and no. Now yes your going to be very angry at me no? Well please realise that I know any kind of dislike I have for the guy is totally irrational and wrong, but its my way of dealing with things.

The thing in situations like this is people only give you advice measured against how close the two of you were together, how much you (I) cared for them, times by how you react now its over. All of the advice I've been given has been wise advice, ranging from the spit in her face variety to plain and simple get over it. All of these things are not unreasonable (unlike hating some random dude). My problem comes with the position the people giving the advice are in.

Most of these so-called "Sage's" are extremely happy, they have girlfriend's, boyfriend's or generally are happy being single, going out and having fun. Now the key word here is happy. Imagine if you will my scrotum is in some hookers mouth and my friend is lying next to me in agony with a knife in his chest, and he says "dude help me" my response in this situation would be "Hey dude it's not as bad as that". So perhaps you can see my position on this; I'm being told by people who are in states if bliss and happiness that what I've been dealt is nothing and should move on, when they are in no position to pass comment, I will only listen to those who actually have some real experience in situations, which is why I rarely go to my good friends for advice.

Anyway I would normally end it here but I have another two things to touch on that I'd like to get out now. Delete if you will the last three paragraphs and you will find the bit about friendship and romance. A year ago I'd tell you straight go for it, but now I realise that that's quite possibly the worst idea ever. Why the chance of heart? Well I have to much time to think, plus I need to sort this stuff out not only for my future reference but also for my film.

If you have been good friends with someone and you suddenly want to get it on with them fight that urge, don't do it. Because at the end of the day friends don't get paranoid about each other, they don't cling to each other etc etc. It is far better to remain friends with a person and to go off and find a completely new person or someone whose name you barely know to get romantically involved with. Because at the end of the day when friends get it on and inevitably split up you lose a friend, when two people who didn't know each other split up you don't lose good friend, your other friends band together and help sort you out, you can't do that if you've just hurt a friend.

In all the to be perfectly honest limited I experience I have of all things romantic, the one thing about being friendly before hand is that in every situation I have been in, you don't regret losing the girl, you regret losing the friend and not being able to talk to them comfortably anymore. And yes after time you make talk again, but don't fall into the trap of repeating history. Luckily my most recent experience of this was that we hardly knew each other first and now afterwards, despite having to swallow hard, very hard we are now very good friends. 

And I'm glad things ended because at the end of the day there was only ever going to be a limited shelf life of a few months because In five months both our lives are going to change forever. And no matter how good those five months could've been the pain of having to end things later on would've been far worse, and I'm glad that we hardly knew each other before whatever exactly actually happened happened because having to try and be friends after in that situation would have been impossible. A friend of mine was looking for advice on a similar situation and I honestly think it would be in his and the girls best interest if they remained friends for the next few months rather than throw away a friendship because of sense that things could be better. They won't believe me, I can't really speak from experience on this but I have seen enough of it to know what's what. 

Had he not been there before and this had come a year ago I might have suggested otherwise but I honestly think that its best to just accept what's past is past no matter how good he may think things are now. It's time that both he and I (more me than him) cast off the past and have fun for the next few months and look forward to moving out and moving on. Any sudden urge he has, has come too late, and I would rather see two friends stay friends than have to witness more pain. I feel as though that needed to be said directly to this person AGAIN because I don't feel like I got it across that good last time, and I apologise for being nosey etc, and yes it may seem like I'm just trying to be difficult but aside from my jilted stance I honestly think that the above is the only way that he can avoid being hurt again.

That advice is not only a repeat for my friend but also for the rest of you, there is a reason things seem better in hindsight. The past is the past and to re-live it now only causes more pain and tarnishes what once was. So to those of you thinking about running back to ex-girlfriends (and I more than a few) don't, to those of you looking for more than just a shoulder to cry on out of a friend forget it, because chances are you'll need your friends again in times of need, you won't need an ex.

I realise the above is a complete 720 degree turn around from what I originally thought about good friends making good partners. And the advice to my friend is totally counter productive to what I wanted from my last experience but from that experience I learned all this and I'm glad I did, because it saved me pain.

And I leave you all now with a sense that once again I failed to adequately get across what I mean and the following quote.

"I have two front teeth missing, I'm going bald, despite this I gave gross amounts of body hair, I rarely wear shirts on a night out, I don't shop at NEXT, or BURTON's, if you find me in a tie shoot me, I don't drink often, I make silly jokes, I like to watch wrestling, I'm shy, I like rock music, Transformers and I occasionally read the odd comic, I also surf the internet a lot, I don't like drugs, I hate dance music, and I fall hopelessly in love with every woman I lay me eyes on...but I wouldn't change a damn thing!" - Paul Hunt

Have a Foam Filled Day!

© Paul Hunt 2003