The Glory Of Spite

Spite is the most delightful of the human emotions. Some would have it that love is, but let me ask you this: who loves with as much vigour, emotion and passion as they commit acts of pure spite? Answer: no one. Some, of a baser nature, would have it that sex gives rise to pleasurable emotions. I am not one to deny this, but I ask you: does booking an appointment with a local wench fill one with as much excitement as the prospect of returning a hated relative's birthday present? Nay, the sheer joy of the cadence, the rise and fall of the consecutive sentences "It's absolutely lovely" and "You have kept the receipt, haven't you?" matches the charms offered by any slattern, hussy, floozy, harlot or Arab houseboy. And that leaves us with hate. Now, I'm the first to admit that hate is highly enjoyable as a first-person experience, and extremely amusing when relayed and inflicted upon others. But it demands a reason, however implausible, to justify it. Especially in court, and especially when one is the subject of an inquiry by the CRE. The joy of spite is that no such reason is necessary. Indeed, it demands the forsaking of all reason, and utter indulgence in pure emotion. As it goes, Shylock has something of a case in "The Merchant of Venice", and that makes it all the more delightful to have the words "greedy fucking semite" pass across one's cerebrum as one watches or reads the play. And I'll admit there's no substantive proof linking the loss of my keys to the blacks, Japanese or gypsies, yet a link I make, and very enjoyable it is railing against those thieving bastards. And yes, feminists are perhaps not ostensibly responsible for my central heating breaking, (modern architecture yes, but that's another story), but hold them responsible I will, I swear to god until my dying day.

Now, some people are simply not inclined to spite. Faggots. (See, now that's spite. There's no reason homosexuals should be any less spiteful than real people, and no reason to refer to them in such a derogatory and abusive way. Fun though, wasn't it.? And see that "real people" remark? Spite again! It's a treasure trove of amusement. Anyway, back to the point) So, as I was saying, some people do not feel spite, or at least deny it. For those of you who fall into this category, I present the following guide to the concepts behind, and certain word-class practitioners of spite. I call it "My Guide to Spite". Note: this guide was produced without any help from any race or minority. If anything, their mere existence hindered it/ Incidentally, picking on minorities of any flavour is fun. Actually, picking on anybody smaller, weaker or somehow less able than oneself is also fun. It also provokes spite in them; it's the gift that just keeps on giving!

George W. Bush:

My hero and yours. Why does he go into Iraq? Weapons of Mass Destruction? Oil? Money? No, no, no.  People ought not throw such scandalous accusations against such a patently awesome hombre. The single and only reason, and by god may history celebrate him for it, was spite. One can almost see him in the Oval Office now, feet on desk, smirking away while addressing Colon Powell  (See, calling Colin Powell "Colon" isn't particularly funny, but remember: it's spite!)

"Powell, m'boy, forget this Afghanistan thing, we're getting nowhere. I've got a hankerin' to bomb the shit out of some other Arabs. Yee-haw!". Now, this is evidence enough, is it not friends, that in addition to being the greatest leader of the free world ever, Ol' Dubya's on our side! Rejoice!

Marie Antoinette:

Paris, 1780s. The starving, filthy hordes swelter in the streets, their pussy, bilious skin stretched tight against their ribcages. One must pity them, no? Fuck no! The sheer warmth of indulgent joy one feels in the stomach contemplating the wonderful phrase regarding the distribution of "cake" is far more fulfilling than any mouldy bread might have been to the French peasantry. As some television hosts, probably American, probably black, and probably feminist might say, in their retarded drawl, "you go , girl". One can only hope she spat a particularly mucus-laced piece of spittle at the ravenous husks from a gilded horse-drawn carriage.

The Jews:

Persecuted, harassed, socially impeded for centuries. And isn't it fun!

Jokes:

Best joke ever:

"What's yellow and mows my lawn? My nigger - I can paint him any colour I want".

Now this is perhaps the pinnacle of spite. Obviously the speaker of this probably doesn't even own a black man, much less paint him yellow, refer to him as "nigger" nor have him mow the lawn. So why is this joke funny? Once again, people - Spite!

Craig Bellamy:

A joy and a credit to the nation.

"Craig, what do you think of the shortlist for the Welsh manager's job? " 

"Well, none of 'em are great are they?"

Unnecessary and disrespectful. Risks his international future and for what? Spite! Up there with GWB and the next hombre.

Vincent Gallo.

I need not go into details here. Three quotes will suffice:

"I stopped painting in 1990 at the peak of my success just to deny people my beautiful paintings."

 "Just because my last name is Gallo and my parents are from Sicily, don't think I relate to those monkeys either. Real Italians are from Buffalo".

 "When asked by someone what he was doing in Cannes if he wasn't doing press, he replied: "Anal sex".

Americans:

The stupidest, ugliest, most brash, useless and offensive people on the planet. At least out of the whites. Usually weighing in at around the payload of an early jet, they commonly resemble randomly shaved gorillas with appropriate sunburn and mangy stubble, and I've heard the men are even worse. The more alert among you will have noticed that I have professed my admiration for two Americans above, including their leader. So why now denigrate the fleshy porcine horde from which Messrs Gallo and Bush hauled themselves? For no reason other than, and I want everybody joining in on this one: SPITE!

Spite as social control:

To quote Cliff Claven in the "Cliff does stand-up" episode of "Cheers", "I'd like to get serious now, folks". Spite is an effective form of social control. More effective than prison, dictatorship, Columbian-style death squads and mandatory neutralisation of ugly women. More effective than randomly slapping children, the imposition of the burqha or the enlistment the Serbian paramilitary to enact a house-to-house search. To quote the Simpsons, it is the glorious spite of the oil firms that holds back the electric car, the frankly incomprehensible, but ultimately equally admirable spite of the studio executive who made Steve Guttenburg a star, it is spite that keeps Atlantis off the maps, and it is spite which keeps the metric system down.

So next time you perceive injustice, in any form, but particularly whenever Yashin and Kalash throw you out after you've paid several hundred pounds for their sister's company simply because Svetlana wasn't physically or emotionally prepared for a sudden and vicious insertion of a piece of raw ginger, remember people-

 SPITE is the ANSWER!

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Next week, in Part Two the Professor will be discussing "Vaginal Aesthetics in the Renaissance". The Professor also wishes to make it known that he would like, or is at least willing to tolerate suggestions for future topics.

© RVW 2004